By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets follow a clearly defined set of rules.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy's good
‘ Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 6, 2017
“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right
‘ derek (@eedrk) February 6, 2017
It's funny, even though I've been doing it for years I still get nervous breaking into a stranger's garden shed to cry all night.
‘ John Moe (@johnmoe) February 5, 2017
I can't afford aromatherapy so I just randomly sniff stuff and hope.
‘ Tups (@Tups13) January 7, 2017
The Bowling Green Massacre of 2013 was nothing compared to the Bowling for Soup Massacre of 19, 19, 1985.
‘ A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) February 3, 2017
The new, bagless, Dyson soul harvester pic.twitter.com/KoA2XRn9EF
‘ Persian Rose (@PersianRose1) February 5, 2017
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It's doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
‘ Josh Fadem (@joshfadem) December 28, 2016
Cheering for the Patriots in the Super Bowl is like saying your favorite character in My Girl is the bees.
‘ R ‘b Fee (@robfee) February 5, 2017
On the one hand, I love that my girlfriend is so down to earth. But on the other, I hate that she’s imaginary.
‘ Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) January 5, 2017
On your first day of prison go up to the biggest person there and ask them to be a guest on your podcast.
‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 10, 2017
This Casper prequel is pretty funny, but the ending is FUCKED UP!
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) February 3, 2017
I think the thing about technology that pisses me off the most is that we use it to count our steps.
‘ 10,000 pretzels (@MommaUnfiltered) February 3, 2017
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
‘ Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 28, 2016
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
‘ Mat (@MatCro) February 4, 2017
I ‘m La La Land: Enjoyable to be around for 2 hours max but don ‘t talk abt me w/ your friends bc you ‘ll realized how flawed I am
‘ Kevin T. Porter (@KevinTPorter) February 6, 2017
I sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
‘ Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) January 14, 2017
Date: You've really never seen Avatar?
Me: Well I thought I had, but it turns out I had just gotten real drunk and watched Fern Gully.
‘ Beccaface (@beccafacexo) February 9, 2017
Who the fuck call laundry sauce 'detergent'? Ok mr scientist lmao
‘ Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) September 14, 2016
what do you mean a shallot isn't a shark stuffed with a llama stuffed with an ocelot
‘ FROVO (@fro_vo) February 5, 2017
Best pizza is Pittsburgh style. Ketchup for sauce, throw some coleslaw and fries on top, and finally finish with some steel shavings
‘ jonny (@jonny_is_good) February 9, 2017
Seems like I always run into someone I know at the grocery store when I'm just trying to stick googly eyes on the pomegranates
‘ Mave (@MavenofHonor) December 18, 2016
If Beyonc ‘ really loved America, she would name her twins “Red Ivy” and “White Ivy”
‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) February 2, 2017
Remember: Steve Bannon is the name of the president, Donald Trump is Steve Bannon ‘s monster
‘ Matt Kirshen (@mattkirshen) February 7, 2017
Trump's first 3 weeks is on some real Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark shit.
‘ Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) February 10, 2017
Upsetting how often my phone's home screen is my son looking up at a new terrible thing Trump has done pic.twitter.com/X0NqaWCpB2
‘ Tricia McAlpin (@TMcAlps) February 5, 2017
Wow incredible the Simpsons predicted the Betsy DeVos confirmation years before it happened pic.twitter.com/U6hEdI3TMh
‘ Omar (@1Lcampesino) February 7, 2017
Going to bed: The reason I wake up in the morning.
‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) February 10, 2017