27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #71

Can't wait to have this baby so I can start the next chapter of my life -getting sucked into a pyramid scheme on Facebook

‘ jess (@jessokfine) February 12, 2017

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If Oklahoma lawmakers want to call pregnant women “hosts” they better call childbirth “vaginal t-shirt cannon” or I'm writing a stern letter

‘ Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) February 14, 2017

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Crying girl: he had sex with his coworker
Me: ah, me too. Not with his co worker, just saying I've had sex before. Anyway, continue

‘ derek (@eedrk) February 15, 2017

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Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day

‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) February 14, 2017

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What would the national deficit look like if we, as a country, agreed to stop wasting time and money on making cole slaw?

‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) February 12, 2017

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MORGAN FREEMAN: These jokes with me as narrator are tired. Wish they ‘d stop.

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.): But they did not stop

MF: OK, what the

‘ REW (@therealeatwood) February 14, 2017

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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017

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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016

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Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017

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It's my seventeen year anniversary of forgetting I left a Diet Coke in the freezer of the work fridge of a temp job I had for one day.

‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 13, 2017

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Only $1150 to transfer your migraine to a dog pic.twitter.com/hG1eOcSIjN

‘ Colin Stokes (@ColinJStokes) February 15, 2017

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25 yrs ago in 4th grade I found a note on my school desk. Valentine? No, a note from a mom asking if I want to see Wayne's World w/ her son.

‘ Paul Rust (@paulrust) February 14, 2017

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MACGYVER'S WIFE: it's too late for that. Just stop
MACGYVER: [sobbing uncontrollably trying to fix their marriage w/ string & a paper clip]

‘ huntigula (@huntigula) February 15, 2017

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*wrestling buddy*
this is so fake
*he punches me*
haha yeah
*we kiss*
it's just make-believe
*we date*
a sham
*we get married*
totally fake

‘ infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) September 14, 2016

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[after the wheel is invented]

Cave Wife: is everything ok?

Caveman who invented the squarebarrow: no, Thelma. The business is going under.

‘ wylde de beest (@flashember) February 16, 2017

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Celine Dion is the lovechild of a swan and thunder.

‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 13, 2017

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I have a friend that insisted on dressing up like a clown for his family pic back when he was like 8 and it's my favorite picture ever pic.twitter.com/LtAjhbs1wh

‘ Myrna Minkoff (@Lejlie) February 13, 2017

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Don't cry over spilled milk. Cry just because

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) February 12, 2017

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Oscar prediction: he'll continue to live in that garbage can and be generally unpleasant.

‘ Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) January 23, 2017

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Do you have a hot neighbor & you want to stalk inconspicuously. Trampoline.

‘ jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) February 14, 2017

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Pediatrician: I'd like to discuss your son's limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

‘ JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) January 9, 2017

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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) February 4, 2017

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You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself use phrases like “circle back” and “touch base” at work

‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 10, 2017

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Oh nothing, just waiting for the Xanax to kick in you cock sucker, bastard, fuckface, sunshine, stars, rainbows, oh wait…there it is.

‘ Cheeks (@AverageCorners) June 12, 2016

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*my phone buzzes*

ME: not the bees again

WIFE: dummy, your phone is on vibrate *hands it to me*

BEES (on phone): you never call us back

‘ Drunk Duck (@druuuck) February 16, 2017

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Wife: Wake up I think someone broke in downstairs

Me: Really?

Wife: Yeah, want to go check?

Me: No I trust you

‘ yabkat (@ohen39) February 13, 2017

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I just yelled “YANKING ON THE DICK!” so loud all the birds in the neighborhood flew away pic.twitter.com/tDvNpAvxoR

‘ Kevin (@Ginjerk) February 14, 2017