By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #71
This week ‘s tweets are due literally any day now.
Can't wait to have this baby so I can start the next chapter of my life -getting sucked into a pyramid scheme on Facebook
‘ jess (@jessokfine) February 12, 2017
If Oklahoma lawmakers want to call pregnant women “hosts” they better call childbirth “vaginal t-shirt cannon” or I'm writing a stern letter
‘ Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) February 14, 2017
Crying girl: he had sex with his coworker
Me: ah, me too. Not with his co worker, just saying I've had sex before. Anyway, continue
‘ derek (@eedrk) February 15, 2017
Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) February 14, 2017
What would the national deficit look like if we, as a country, agreed to stop wasting time and money on making cole slaw?
‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) February 12, 2017
MORGAN FREEMAN: These jokes with me as narrator are tired. Wish they ‘d stop.
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.): But they did not stop
MF: OK, what the
‘ REW (@therealeatwood) February 14, 2017
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
It's my seventeen year anniversary of forgetting I left a Diet Coke in the freezer of the work fridge of a temp job I had for one day.
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 13, 2017
Only $1150 to transfer your migraine to a dog pic.twitter.com/hG1eOcSIjN
‘ Colin Stokes (@ColinJStokes) February 15, 2017
25 yrs ago in 4th grade I found a note on my school desk. Valentine? No, a note from a mom asking if I want to see Wayne's World w/ her son.
‘ Paul Rust (@paulrust) February 14, 2017
MACGYVER'S WIFE: it's too late for that. Just stop
MACGYVER: [sobbing uncontrollably trying to fix their marriage w/ string & a paper clip]
‘ huntigula (@huntigula) February 15, 2017
this is so fake
*he punches me*
it's just make-believe
*we get married*
‘ infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) September 14, 2016
[after the wheel is invented]
Cave Wife: is everything ok?
Caveman who invented the squarebarrow: no, Thelma. The business is going under.
‘ wylde de beest (@flashember) February 16, 2017
Celine Dion is the lovechild of a swan and thunder.
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 13, 2017
I have a friend that insisted on dressing up like a clown for his family pic back when he was like 8 and it's my favorite picture ever pic.twitter.com/LtAjhbs1wh
‘ Myrna Minkoff (@Lejlie) February 13, 2017
Don't cry over spilled milk. Cry just because
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) February 12, 2017
Oscar prediction: he'll continue to live in that garbage can and be generally unpleasant.
‘ Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) January 23, 2017
Do you have a hot neighbor & you want to stalk inconspicuously. Trampoline.
‘ jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) February 14, 2017
Pediatrician: I'd like to discuss your son's limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
‘ JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) January 9, 2017
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) February 4, 2017
You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself use phrases like “circle back” and “touch base” at work
‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 10, 2017
Oh nothing, just waiting for the Xanax to kick in you cock sucker, bastard, fuckface, sunshine, stars, rainbows, oh wait…there it is.
‘ Cheeks (@AverageCorners) June 12, 2016
*my phone buzzes*
ME: not the bees again
WIFE: dummy, your phone is on vibrate *hands it to me*
BEES (on phone): you never call us back
‘ Drunk Duck (@druuuck) February 16, 2017
David Spade Also Freaked Out At A Parking Clerk
ESPN reporter Britt McHenry was not the only one to freak out after car troubles recently. We spotted David Spade having his own freakout at one unlucky parking clerk.
The Age of Reboots
Two Hollywood execs, Scotty Pips and Scotty the Ripper discuss their upcoming projects and ideas.
Interviewing People in Traffic w/ Davey Slater
Long Beach Edition aka Dong Beach Edition aka Bong Beach Edition
Game of Couches
Forget Game of Thrones. The real battle to watch is one to find the rightful heir to the Iron Couch. Catch up with the latest episode of Game of Couches. From Astronaut Theatre Sketch Comedy, 2014.
Bart’s guide to Dating (Poorly) – 03 – Break up with Me
Bart’s not the best at dating, but he’s gonna make a guide for it anyway.
20 Tips for an Amazing Experience at Sochi 2014!
Don’t go to Russia without reading this first!