By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are due literally any day now.
Can't wait to have this baby so I can start the next chapter of my life -getting sucked into a pyramid scheme on Facebook
‘ jess (@jessokfine) February 12, 2017
If Oklahoma lawmakers want to call pregnant women “hosts” they better call childbirth “vaginal t-shirt cannon” or I'm writing a stern letter
‘ Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) February 14, 2017
Crying girl: he had sex with his coworker
Me: ah, me too. Not with his co worker, just saying I've had sex before. Anyway, continue
‘ derek (@eedrk) February 15, 2017
Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) February 14, 2017
What would the national deficit look like if we, as a country, agreed to stop wasting time and money on making cole slaw?
‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) February 12, 2017
MORGAN FREEMAN: These jokes with me as narrator are tired. Wish they ‘d stop.
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.): But they did not stop
MF: OK, what the
‘ REW (@therealeatwood) February 14, 2017
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
It's my seventeen year anniversary of forgetting I left a Diet Coke in the freezer of the work fridge of a temp job I had for one day.
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 13, 2017
Only $1150 to transfer your migraine to a dog pic.twitter.com/hG1eOcSIjN
‘ Colin Stokes (@ColinJStokes) February 15, 2017
25 yrs ago in 4th grade I found a note on my school desk. Valentine? No, a note from a mom asking if I want to see Wayne's World w/ her son.
‘ Paul Rust (@paulrust) February 14, 2017
MACGYVER'S WIFE: it's too late for that. Just stop
MACGYVER: [sobbing uncontrollably trying to fix their marriage w/ string & a paper clip]
‘ huntigula (@huntigula) February 15, 2017
this is so fake
*he punches me*
it's just make-believe
*we get married*
‘ infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) September 14, 2016
[after the wheel is invented]
Cave Wife: is everything ok?
Caveman who invented the squarebarrow: no, Thelma. The business is going under.
‘ wylde de beest (@flashember) February 16, 2017
Celine Dion is the lovechild of a swan and thunder.
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 13, 2017
I have a friend that insisted on dressing up like a clown for his family pic back when he was like 8 and it's my favorite picture ever pic.twitter.com/LtAjhbs1wh
‘ Myrna Minkoff (@Lejlie) February 13, 2017
Don't cry over spilled milk. Cry just because
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) February 12, 2017
Oscar prediction: he'll continue to live in that garbage can and be generally unpleasant.
‘ Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) January 23, 2017
Do you have a hot neighbor & you want to stalk inconspicuously. Trampoline.
‘ jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) February 14, 2017
Pediatrician: I'd like to discuss your son's limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
‘ JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) January 9, 2017
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) February 4, 2017
You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself use phrases like “circle back” and “touch base” at work
‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 10, 2017
Oh nothing, just waiting for the Xanax to kick in you cock sucker, bastard, fuckface, sunshine, stars, rainbows, oh wait…there it is.
‘ Cheeks (@AverageCorners) June 12, 2016
*my phone buzzes*
ME: not the bees again
WIFE: dummy, your phone is on vibrate *hands it to me*
BEES (on phone): you never call us back
‘ Drunk Duck (@druuuck) February 16, 2017
Wife: Wake up I think someone broke in downstairs
Wife: Yeah, want to go check?
Me: No I trust you
‘ yabkat (@ohen39) February 13, 2017