By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #72

This week ‘s tweets are being forced to reevaluate everything they ever new about anything.
The new third base is planning how you’ll survive the apocalypse together.
‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 19, 2017
70 percent of being in a relationship is being like “aye check out this video” and then angling your phone toward your partner
‘ Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) February 17, 2017
I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
‘ vince (@mortimermaiden) October 6, 2016
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I'm going to them.
‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 20, 2017
Old publicity photos of nsync always make them look like Guy Fieri's five sons pic.twitter.com/RaUq1V4cBc
‘ chris wade (@saywhatagain) February 20, 2017
“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”‘ matt tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
*is born*
Well, this is awkward
*dies eventually*
That was weird‘ donni saphire (@donni) February 17, 2017
Everyone focusing on pineapple on pizza not realizing it's a distraction from real issues…like corn on pizza.
‘ Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) February 22, 2017
Stop making fun of the guy who salutes the cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. I’ve been fucking a Harry Truman Fathead for 20 years.
‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) February 19, 2017
can’t stop loling thinking about a mark wahlberg type guy Flight 93ing the Sully crash landing out of confusion, killing every one
‘ Duncan Donut (@eminemobama) February 21, 2017
Holy shit there's a state called Delaware
‘ Drew Janda (@drewjanda) February 17, 2017
imagine if you got a job and you wouldn't stop tweeting about whoever didn't get the job and every day the news was “local man sucks at job”
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 15, 2017
how much does a mortician urn in a year
‘ Mayor P (friendly neighborhood mayor) (@punmagnate) February 17, 2017
SIMON: what kind of pizza-
GARFUNKEL: *harmonizing* pizza should we get
S: you don't have to-
G: *gentle humming*
S: God dammit‘ dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 17, 2017
Scientist: Mr Carbone you have to stop using our time machine to show movies to presidents
Me: William Henry Harrison hated Tower Heist‘ Jamie “Dan Marino ‘ Carbone (@Carbonics) February 20, 2017
[after farting] oh excuse me my dog just farted
[after pissing myself] oh excuse me my dog just pissed myself‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) February 21, 2017
If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, “hey, that wasn't nice.” Buy some time.
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) January 25, 2017
I used to suffer from terrible stage-fright until I realized the stages were more afraid of me.
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) February 8, 2017
MAKE AMERICA STOP USING APOSTROPHES FOR PLURAL NOUNS AGAIN
‘ Faith Choyce (@faithchoyce) February 16, 2017
white boys: wear basketball shorts in 20 ‘ weather
black boys: wear basketball shorts under jeans in 90 ‘ weather
race war: postponed‘ jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) February 21, 2017
my crush wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook and i never did and my life is a fucking disaster now
‘ jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) February 21, 2017
Flamingos look like three random bird pieces that were quickly thrown together.
‘ Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) February 19, 2017
Similar Posts

Pigeon Man on the Street
Funny or Die ‘s own scumbag superhero, Pigeon Man, takes in the sights, sounds and smells of Comic Con 2016.

Russian Football Kicker’s Amazing Demo Reel
“Bobby” wants American Football scouts to bring him to America to play the great game Football.

How I Bribed Allison With Fruit Salad
Because making amends with people who have wronged you is what the holidays are all about. Right, Santa?

9 Planned Batman & Superman Movies That Never Got Off The Ground
Here are several other Batman and Superman films that, for better or worse, never saw the light of day.

Obscenely Funny Ads
Bill O’reilly takes a look at the lengths internet company’s are going to in order to get people’s attention.

Pacific Rim 2
Due to a disappointing box office gross, Pacific Rim 2 had to undergo some budget cuts, but the heart and epic fights are still there. Fans won’t be disappointed…right? More at http://www.youtube.com/paulhennessyshow