By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are being forced to reevaluate everything they ever new about anything.
The new third base is planning how you’ll survive the apocalypse together.
‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 19, 2017
70 percent of being in a relationship is being like “aye check out this video” and then angling your phone toward your partner
‘ Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) February 17, 2017
I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
‘ vince (@mortimermaiden) October 6, 2016
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I'm going to them.
‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 20, 2017
Old publicity photos of nsync always make them look like Guy Fieri's five sons pic.twitter.com/RaUq1V4cBc
‘ chris wade (@saywhatagain) February 20, 2017
“Anybody here named Jeff?”
‘ matt tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
Well, this is awkward
That was weird
‘ donni saphire (@donni) February 17, 2017
Everyone focusing on pineapple on pizza not realizing it's a distraction from real issues…like corn on pizza.
‘ Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) February 22, 2017
Stop making fun of the guy who salutes the cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. I’ve been fucking a Harry Truman Fathead for 20 years.
‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) February 19, 2017
can’t stop loling thinking about a mark wahlberg type guy Flight 93ing the Sully crash landing out of confusion, killing every one
‘ Duncan Donut (@eminemobama) February 21, 2017
Holy shit there's a state called Delaware
‘ Drew Janda (@drewjanda) February 17, 2017
imagine if you got a job and you wouldn't stop tweeting about whoever didn't get the job and every day the news was “local man sucks at job”
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 15, 2017
how much does a mortician urn in a year
‘ Mayor P (friendly neighborhood mayor) (@punmagnate) February 17, 2017
SIMON: what kind of pizza-
GARFUNKEL: *harmonizing* pizza should we get
S: you don't have to-
G: *gentle humming*
S: God dammit
‘ dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 17, 2017
Scientist: Mr Carbone you have to stop using our time machine to show movies to presidents
Me: William Henry Harrison hated Tower Heist
‘ Jamie “Dan Marino ‘ Carbone (@Carbonics) February 20, 2017
[after farting] oh excuse me my dog just farted
[after pissing myself] oh excuse me my dog just pissed myself
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) February 21, 2017
If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, “hey, that wasn't nice.” Buy some time.
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) January 25, 2017
I used to suffer from terrible stage-fright until I realized the stages were more afraid of me.
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) February 8, 2017
MAKE AMERICA STOP USING APOSTROPHES FOR PLURAL NOUNS AGAIN
‘ Faith Choyce (@faithchoyce) February 16, 2017
white boys: wear basketball shorts in 20 ‘ weather
black boys: wear basketball shorts under jeans in 90 ‘ weather
race war: postponed
‘ jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) February 21, 2017
my crush wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook and i never did and my life is a fucking disaster now
‘ jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) February 21, 2017
Flamingos look like three random bird pieces that were quickly thrown together.
‘ Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) February 19, 2017
Cat owner: I love cats!
Dog owner: who rescued who lol
Snake owner: I have served with pride as moderator on 7 forums in the past 13 years,
‘ drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) February 20, 2017
ME: Who's that punkass motherfucker
CELLO PLAYER: Sir that's our conductor please sit down & enjoy the show
‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 19, 2017
Years ago I wrote condolence cards for Hallmark. they fired me for my first card: “Heard You Died”
‘ jonathan katz (@jonathan_katz) February 21, 2017
We moved into the bad universe when Letterman didn't get The Tonight Show.
‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 16, 2017
Have friends? Are they too good to you? Are they nice and easy to get along with?
Try: Sex With Them ‘
‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) February 21, 2017
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re seconds away from freaking out and lighting yourself on fire? These warning signs will help you avoid just that.