27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #72

This week ‘s tweets are being forced to reevaluate everything they ever new about anything.

The new third base is planning how you’ll survive the apocalypse together.

‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 19, 2017

70 percent of being in a relationship is being like “aye check out this video” and then angling your phone toward your partner

‘ Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) February 17, 2017

I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

‘ vince (@mortimermaiden) October 6, 2016

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I'm going to them.

‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 20, 2017

Old publicity photos of nsync always make them look like Guy Fieri's five sons pic.twitter.com/RaUq1V4cBc

‘ chris wade (@saywhatagain) February 20, 2017

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

‘ matt tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016

*is born*
Well, this is awkward
*dies eventually*
That was weird

‘ donni saphire (@donni) February 17, 2017

Everyone focusing on pineapple on pizza not realizing it's a distraction from real issues…like corn on pizza.

‘ Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) February 22, 2017

Stop making fun of the guy who salutes the cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. I’ve been fucking a Harry Truman Fathead for 20 years.

‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) February 19, 2017

can’t stop loling thinking about a mark wahlberg type guy Flight 93ing the Sully crash landing out of confusion, killing every one

‘ Duncan Donut (@eminemobama) February 21, 2017

Holy shit there's a state called Delaware

‘ Drew Janda (@drewjanda) February 17, 2017

imagine if you got a job and you wouldn't stop tweeting about whoever didn't get the job and every day the news was “local man sucks at job”

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 15, 2017

how much does a mortician urn in a year

‘ Mayor P (friendly neighborhood mayor) (@punmagnate) February 17, 2017

SIMON: what kind of pizza-
GARFUNKEL: *harmonizing* pizza should we get
S: you don't have to-
G: *gentle humming*
S: God dammit

‘ dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 17, 2017

Scientist: Mr Carbone you have to stop using our time machine to show movies to presidents
Me: William Henry Harrison hated Tower Heist

‘ Jamie “Dan Marino ‘ Carbone (@Carbonics) February 20, 2017

[after farting] oh excuse me my dog just farted
[after pissing myself] oh excuse me my dog just pissed myself

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) February 21, 2017

If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, “hey, that wasn't nice.” Buy some time.

‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) January 25, 2017

I used to suffer from terrible stage-fright until I realized the stages were more afraid of me.

‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) February 8, 2017

MAKE AMERICA STOP USING APOSTROPHES FOR PLURAL NOUNS AGAIN

‘ Faith Choyce (@faithchoyce) February 16, 2017

white boys: wear basketball shorts in 20 ‘ weather
black boys: wear basketball shorts under jeans in 90 ‘ weather
race war: postponed

‘ jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) February 21, 2017

my crush wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook and i never did and my life is a fucking disaster now

‘ jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) February 21, 2017

Flamingos look like three random bird pieces that were quickly thrown together.

‘ Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) February 19, 2017

Cat owner: I love cats!
Dog owner: who rescued who lol
Snake owner: I have served with pride as moderator on 7 forums in the past 13 years,

‘ drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) February 20, 2017

ME: Who's that punkass motherfucker

CELLO PLAYER: Sir that's our conductor please sit down & enjoy the show

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 19, 2017

Years ago I wrote condolence cards for Hallmark. they fired me for my first card: “Heard You Died”

‘ jonathan katz (@jonathan_katz) February 21, 2017

We moved into the bad universe when Letterman didn't get The Tonight Show.

‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 16, 2017

Have friends? Are they too good to you? Are they nice and easy to get along with?

Try: Sex With Them ‘

‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) February 21, 2017