By: Evan Waite
Harsh New Edicts From Your First Grade Line Leader
As your newly elected line leader, I will be the one to shepherd you safely around our school from now on. Things have gotten pretty lax around here, but that stops today. I demand obedience.
I have the full backing of Mrs. Phelps, who elected me to be the strong line leader this class needs to rebuild in the wake of the disastrous Douglas era. His lenient approach to walking the halls is what brought us to where we are today. Rampant butting,brazen chatting: It was anarchy.
Zip it, Douglas. You had your chance.
Effective immediately, there are several new rules you are expected to follow. Failure to do so will be met with severe consequences, including snack confiscation and noogies.
1. Each student must hold hands with the person in front of, and behind them. This ensures there are no more tickling incidents like last time, Tracy. We are a disciplined human chain that moves as one. You are not special. If you step out of line, you will be left behind. Today ‘s pizza day, too. Would be a real shame if you had to miss that.
2. Making funny faces is not permitted. Poopyheads: You ‘re on notice. If you choose to hoot like a monkey to get laughs in the classroom, that ‘s your business. While I don ‘t approve, it ‘s out of my jurisdiction. But the second you step into that hall, I own you. Those are not your feet anymore.
3. No acknowledging friends from other lines. Anyone caught fraternizing with students from outside our line will be tattled on with extreme whininess. I ‘ll take it all the way up to your parents if I have to. We cannot allow another line ‘s lack of discipline to infect our unit.
4. Shoes with Velcro straps only. Laces are trouble when it comes to line safety. One wrong step by any one of you and we ‘re all falling like dominoes. We ‘d be the laughing stock of the whole grade. If you don ‘t have a pair, buy one. Or steal one. Hell, make one if you have to. But DO NOT come into my line tomorrow with laced sneakers. Fighting me on this will only make your life harder. Half the hall monitors in this place are on my payroll. I keep them fat and happy with Lemonheads, so who do you think they ‘re going to back if something goes down?
5. Stephen walks with me. Don ‘t act surprised Stephen. You had to have known this was coming. You ‘re a known wisenheimer who ‘s been on Mrs. Phelps ‘ watch list since November. You can earn your way back once you show me good behavior. But until then, it ‘s just you and me.
I hope we ‘re clear, because I don ‘t want to have to raise my voice again. Now grab your lunch with your left hand and meet me by the door.