By: Keaton Patti
Look, man. I know it ‘s my job to remove tattoos, but there ‘s no way I ‘m lasering yours away. It ‘s just too damn cool. Just look at it! Taz from Looney Tunes wearing a wizard ‘s hat riding on a Razor scooter while blowing out a huge vape cloud in the shape of a skull. It belongs in a museum. A museum where all the other artwork has been thrown out and burned in a heap since they don ‘t come close to this tattoo!
Obviously I can ‘t force you to slice off your bicep and put it in a museum. No, all I can do is tell you that I refuse to remove it from your body and try to convince you not to be such an idiot and keep it for the world to see.
You know what my assistant said to me before she brought you back to see me? She said, ‘Steve, the guy I ‘m about to send back to you has the coolest fucking tattoo I ‘ve ever fucking seen and I see tattoos every damn day of my fucking life! ‘ She actually said that, and she ‘s a part-time nun that has never said a swear word in her life until just then. Are you starting to grasp how fucking cool this tattoo is?
I ‘ll give you some more proof. Here, let me take a picture of your bicep and upload it to my Instagram. One sec. Okay. Now we wait. Shouldn ‘t take long. Give it a few more seconds. Okay, let ‘s check how the pic did. Yep! See? 32,000 likes in 10 seconds. Dude, I only have like 50 followers too.
So do you really still want Taz to leave your body just because you ‘got it on a whim and don ‘t think it goes with my vibe ‘? What ‘s your vibe anyway? Guy who isn ‘t cool? Guy who if he had a piece of paper with the cure for cancer, he ‘d just erase it? That ‘s what you ‘re doing if you remove Taz and his vape-skull, you know that, right? It ‘s the exact same thing.
Jeez, I didn ‘t want to have to offer this, but fine, I will.
Let ‘s switch arms. We ‘ll cut your arm off and sew it onto my body and cut my arm off and sew it onto your body. That way you have a clean arm, and the coolest tattoo of all time gets to live on. Normally a hospital probably wouldn ‘t do that surgery, but once they see the tattoo, I ‘m sure they ‘ll agree to do it. Probably for free too.
You think that ‘s insane? No, what ‘s insane is that Instagram pic has 125,000 likes now, buddy!
Now I have another appointment in 5 minutes, so tell me, what are you going to do? Keep the only shining beacon of light in this terrible universe on your bicep or selfishly have it removed?
You ‘ll keep it? Yes! Great! Awesome!
You did the right thing, man. Trust me, the world will thank you for this. I ‘ll tell you what, I ‘ll even name my first son after you. Yep, I ‘ll call him ‘Cool Tattoo. ‘