By: Abigail Barr
Heather Rose, a self proclaimed ‘wellness junkie, ‘ had tried every fitness plan on the market to live her best life. One morning after her maple water and primal screaming session, she found a new diet on GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow ‘s lifestyle website. It seemed complicated, expensive, and restrictive, which made Heather think it was definitely the best one. After she signed up, something strange happened: she received a court summons from Coldplay frontman and ex-Paltrow hubby, Chris Martin.
Heather was excited for the GOOP diet because she wanted to spend a ton of money to feel like she had a clean, fresh life filled with children with the names of biblical characters and fruits and she could burn incense made from the sweat of endangered African elephants and vape hydroponic weed.
She was not excited for the day she had to see Chris Martin in court. Though she always wanted to sue him because she considered Coldplay ‘s collaboration with Rihanna, ‘Princess of China, ‘ a crime against humanity, she had no idea how to fight a custody battle! Was Martin going to sing all his answers and seduce the jurors by mumbling nonsense yet sensual lyrics like ‘and I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand? ‘
Heather decided to soldier on with her GOOP lifestyle plan, because she loved how she was feeling. She bought a $200,000 power suit made locally by little German children and got Robert Kardashian to be her lawyer. Heather was going to show up to this court case in style. She decided that this custody battle must have been Gwyneth Paltrow ‘s plan all along! Gwyneth has a history of playing strong women in movies, from a character in Iron Man who only exists to espouse Joss Whedon quips and support her man, to Sliding Doors, in which a woman ‘s life could go one of two ways, but both timelines involve her getting cheated on!
She knew Gwyneth would want her to fight her own battles as a GOOP woman. So, Heather fought for her rights to parent Grape and Ezekiel as a thank you to Gwyneth for all the help with her new, #nofilter life.