27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #75

roommate: are you ok? youre listening to Tori Amos…

me: you can listen to Tori Amos & still be ok!!!

roommate: so ru ok

me: not at all

‘ Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 13, 2017

Wife: where did you get that?
Me [with my brand new opinion]: online

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 14, 2017

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don't actually eat marbles.
Me: I'm coming out.

‘ HughGoesThere (@HughGoesThere) March 7, 2017

My lawyer says I can't afford a lawyer.

‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 12, 2017

Wheel of Fortune should have a 'Giant Scorpion' space on the wheel and if someone lands on it they have to fight the giant scorpion

‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) March 14, 2017

WIFE: you're so fat
HUSBAND: [pats stomach] you know what these are?
WIFE: don't say love handles
HUSBAND: stay together for the kid handles

‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) February 9, 2017

Dance like your microwave isn't watching.

‘ Don Nichols (@DairylandDon) March 14, 2017

my hip is fucked up so lately my only cardio is the rush i get from ruining everything around me at an impossibly high pace

‘ doctor peanut (@NINETIREDBUGS) March 10, 2017

“five guys”? “in-n-out”? what's next, “fuck me hard burger”???

‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 10, 2017

why is father john misty nor a priest or a lemon lime beverage

‘ Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) March 6, 2017

hope my lyft driver gives me a good rating after i responded “no. i don't like to dance” then after 5 minutes of silence “i HAVE to dance”

‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 12, 2017

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 11, 2017

ahh documentaries, the books of tv

‘ Sean Casey (@seancaseytweets) March 14, 2017

You try to teach your kids well but then you hear them say “hospital truck” when an ambulance goes by and you wonder what else you forgot.

‘ Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 13, 2017

[last date]

ME: look at us. we made it to our last date. most couples don't make it this far 🙂

HER: this is a shitty way to break up w me

‘ dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) March 12, 2017

Sorry I said “get in the zone, Autozone” right before you ate me out

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 11, 2017

[Kid does something exactly like her mom]
Me: Oh, wow! The apple really doesn't fall far from the [remembers she was adopted] grocery store

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 10, 2017

If someone starts talking to you on a train legally you have to explode into a thousand bats & disappear into the tunnel.

‘ Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 6, 2017

(passes ball to basketball teammate) hey can you put this in the hoop for me this guy is blocking my way

‘ slick (@dlicj) March 6, 2017

Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

‘ 10,000 pretzels (@MommaUnfiltered) March 13, 2017

If you must imagine an otter wearing a lil top hat, AT LEAST add a pretend chin strap so he doesn't lose it in the ocean

‘ Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 9, 2017