By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #78
This week ‘s tweets have a lot of very strong opinions on opinions.
Opinions are like assholes: It can feel humiliating, but get them examined, and if an expert says something's wrong with yours, believe them
‘ Brennan Lee Mulligan (@BrennanLM) April 3, 2017
The internet is 69% sex jokes.
‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 3, 2017
Pot roast is just beef you cook at 420 ‘
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) March 27, 2017
I’m no art critic, but cats would totally be way better at poker.
‘ ß¡|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) February 13, 2017
Just thought about if bdsm in the Sonic universe would cause rings to fly out everywhere, and now you’re thinking it too, and I’m sorry.
‘ Smooth Denny (@Dennywhere) March 26, 2017
the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.
‘ McC (@MattMcC1) March 20, 2017
I've been letting a casserole dish soak since 2011.
‘ Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 29, 2017
GUIDE: This bird of prey is our oldest, at 20
M: So born in the 90s?
G: Yes
M: OMG..it's the millennial falcon
WIFE:
G: *tazes me to death‘ F?? ??N???F (@sofarrsogud) March 15, 2017
Mike Pence is right. If I'm emailing a woman colleague, I CC my wife and God. If my barista is a woman, I turn gay until I finish my coffee.
‘ Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) March 30, 2017
Hi, my name is (honk), my name is (slide whistle), my name is (chicka chicka) Wayne Gacy
‘ Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) April 2, 2017
to the haters that said I would never be able to set up my wireless color scanner: pic.twitter.com/0ZzdCvPZyq
‘ Stavros Halkias (@stavvybaby) April 3, 2017
boy: u up
me: of course i'm up i've been thinking about what it would be like to run around on a beach with nicole kidman for hours now‘ Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) April 3, 2017
Girl, if I could rearrange the keyboard, I'd put “U” and “I” togeth–oh, huh. Look at that.
‘ Elle Oh Well (@ElleOhHell) March 31, 2017
Scrambled eggs should be spelled dcrbmlaes gegs.
‘ Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 2, 2017
Donald Trump is just throwing his son-in-law at every problem like the world is a dorm room and Jared is Febreeze.
‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 3, 2017
Satanism is pretty cool if you like being evil and totally bad ass but also feel like you need some rules to follow.
‘ Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) March 28, 2017
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my fianc ‘, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
‘ Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) March 27, 2017
UNDERAGE FROG: One alcohol, please.
CASHIER: Uh huh. I'll need to see your butt.
UF: *tail nervously wagging under trenchcoat* haha whaaat?‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) April 1, 2017
i never eat alone with my dinner so i'm not tempted to fuck the spaghetti
‘ Taryn Englehart (@changawei) April 3, 2017
Ms. Pac-Man should only cost 70% of a quarter per play
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 3, 2017
Whenever I see a bottle of Glue wearing glasses I wonder if it’s really Super Glue in disguise.
‘ D Duh (@d_duhwit) March 28, 2017
My family crest is a guy writing out a birthday card on his steering wheel.
‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) March 26, 2017
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 15, 2017
A talking grapefruit would be a miracle, but what if it only did slam poetry?
‘ Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 28, 2017
Sorry just saw your text from two years ago do you still love me
‘ Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 29, 2017
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