27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #78

Opinions are like assholes: It can feel humiliating, but get them examined, and if an expert says something's wrong with yours, believe them

‘ Brennan Lee Mulligan (@BrennanLM) April 3, 2017

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The internet is 69% sex jokes.

‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 3, 2017

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Pot roast is just beef you cook at 420 ‘

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) March 27, 2017

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I’m no art critic, but cats would totally be way better at poker.

‘ ߡ|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) February 13, 2017

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Just thought about if bdsm in the Sonic universe would cause rings to fly out everywhere, and now you’re thinking it too, and I’m sorry.

‘ Smooth Denny (@Dennywhere) March 26, 2017

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the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.

‘ McC (@MattMcC1) March 20, 2017

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I've been letting a casserole dish soak since 2011.

‘ Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 29, 2017

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GUIDE: This bird of prey is our oldest, at 20
M: So born in the 90s?
G: Yes
M: OMG..it's the millennial falcon
WIFE:
G: *tazes me to death

‘ F?? ??N???F (@sofarrsogud) March 15, 2017

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Mike Pence is right. If I'm emailing a woman colleague, I CC my wife and God. If my barista is a woman, I turn gay until I finish my coffee.

‘ Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) March 30, 2017

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Hi, my name is (honk), my name is (slide whistle), my name is (chicka chicka) Wayne Gacy

‘ Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) April 2, 2017

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to the haters that said I would never be able to set up my wireless color scanner: pic.twitter.com/0ZzdCvPZyq

‘ Stavros Halkias (@stavvybaby) April 3, 2017

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boy: u up
me: of course i'm up i've been thinking about what it would be like to run around on a beach with nicole kidman for hours now

‘ Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) April 3, 2017

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Girl, if I could rearrange the keyboard, I'd put “U” and “I” togeth–oh, huh. Look at that.

‘ Elle Oh Well (@ElleOhHell) March 31, 2017

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Scrambled eggs should be spelled dcrbmlaes gegs.

‘ Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 2, 2017

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Donald Trump is just throwing his son-in-law at every problem like the world is a dorm room and Jared is Febreeze.

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 3, 2017

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Satanism is pretty cool if you like being evil and totally bad ass but also feel like you need some rules to follow.

‘ Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) March 28, 2017

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I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my fianc ‘, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

‘ Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) March 27, 2017

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UNDERAGE FROG: One alcohol, please.
CASHIER: Uh huh. I'll need to see your butt.
UF: *tail nervously wagging under trenchcoat* haha whaaat?

‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) April 1, 2017

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i never eat alone with my dinner so i'm not tempted to fuck the spaghetti

‘ Taryn Englehart (@changawei) April 3, 2017

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Ms. Pac-Man should only cost 70% of a quarter per play

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 3, 2017

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Whenever I see a bottle of Glue wearing glasses I wonder if it’s really Super Glue in disguise.

‘ D Duh (@d_duhwit) March 28, 2017

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My family crest is a guy writing out a birthday card on his steering wheel.

‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) March 26, 2017