By: Jason Flowers
You may not be ready for this week ‘s tweets yet, but you ‘re kids are gonna love ’em.
Are You There God? It's Me, Your Cousin, Marvin God
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 9, 2017
Goofy [as an art critic]: gauche
‘ Mike RIPby (@MikeBigby) March 21, 2017
My Girl (1991): A hive of bees travel from the future to stop a girl from becoming a young, unwed mother.
‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) January 10, 2017
I just made myself laugh thinking of a men's rights dude whining “When will it be 'Murder HE Wrote'”
‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) April 5, 2017
14th CENTURY GUY: What kind of music do you like?
OTHER 14th CENTURY GUY: I like the kind that there is.
‘ J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) April 7, 2017
Gwyneth Paltrow always looks like she’s unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is
‘ Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) April 5, 2017
Future told this boy “just like this plane you can spread your wings and fly”…this kid was Barack Obama who became the 44th president pic.twitter.com/d7D7OpPTur
‘ Splash (@realivansplash) April 4, 2017
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can't*
‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 12, 2017
Don't tell me the balls in my court, I don't want the ball, take it back, how did I even get on the court? I want to go home.
‘ Jar Jar Bindz (@BindzBrain) April 10, 2017
Motherfuckers act like they forgot about 'Rachel Getting Married'
‘ Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) April 6, 2017
I've been sober for every second of Trump's presidency which I guess is sorta like kissing someone w/ ur eyes open & it's ur dad & he's dead
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) April 7, 2017
I picture Neil Gorsuch being like, “Mr. Gorsuch is my father. Call me Evil Tom Bergeron.”
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 7, 2017
If you can ‘t handle me at my sudden failure of the speech center of my brain, you don ‘t clemency smap pineapple
‘ Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) April 10, 2017
quick question pic.twitter.com/2QGcdjRWXI
‘ bobby (@bobby) April 5, 2017
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what's that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is ‘ ‘a blenderplane
‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) April 10, 2017
I wish I knew how to make mulch, how grate wood that be?
‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 10, 2017
Jared Kushner's the kinda guy who yells, “Play Kokomo!” at a Beach Boys concert.
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 10, 2017
ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning
ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.
‘ Kal (@captainkalvis) March 28, 2017
LIFEHACK: Want to live rent-free? Book an escape room, and just act like you can't figure out how to leave, INDEFINITELY.
‘ todd levin (@toddlevin) April 6, 2017
humans: we're gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we'll eat those too
‘ elon benes (@themiltron) April 8, 2017
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) March 15, 2017
Luke Cage does like 12 minutes on the Walgreen's greeting card aisle I was dying pic.twitter.com/yPncIjHkwC
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) April 9, 2017
ME: How bad is my stir fry injury, doc?
DR: I'm afraid you'll never wok again.
ME: This is devastating, my followers will hate this pun.
‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 10, 2017
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
‘ Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 4, 2017
Welcome to Named After a Month Club. June welcome back. April good to see u. May, hows the kids? Danuary…nice try get out.
‘ Steve Nards (@Karate_Horse) April 10, 2017
I'm writing a film abt a person who leaves Facebook w/out posting a monologue on Facebook abt why they're leaving Facebook.
‘ John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) April 9, 2017
Drew Tarver, Kulap Vilaysack and Andy Richter set sail on a cruise for conspiracy theorists and address the sneaking suspicions brewing on deck. Watch full episodes of @midnight now — no login required: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T @midnight with Chris Hardwick airs weeknights at 12a/11c on Comedy Central.