27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #79

Are You There God? It's Me, Your Cousin, Marvin God

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 9, 2017

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Goofy [as an art critic]: gauche

‘ Mike RIPby (@MikeBigby) March 21, 2017

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My Girl (1991): A hive of bees travel from the future to stop a girl from becoming a young, unwed mother.

‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) January 10, 2017

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I just made myself laugh thinking of a men's rights dude whining “When will it be 'Murder HE Wrote'”

‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) April 5, 2017

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14th CENTURY GUY: What kind of music do you like?

OTHER 14th CENTURY GUY: I like the kind that there is.

‘ J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) April 7, 2017

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Gwyneth Paltrow always looks like she’s unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is

‘ Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) April 5, 2017

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Future told this boy “just like this plane you can spread your wings and fly”…this kid was Barack Obama who became the 44th president pic.twitter.com/d7D7OpPTur

‘ Splash (@realivansplash) April 4, 2017

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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can't*

‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 12, 2017

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Don't tell me the balls in my court, I don't want the ball, take it back, how did I even get on the court? I want to go home.

‘ Jar Jar Bindz (@BindzBrain) April 10, 2017

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Motherfuckers act like they forgot about 'Rachel Getting Married'

‘ Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) April 6, 2017

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I've been sober for every second of Trump's presidency which I guess is sorta like kissing someone w/ ur eyes open & it's ur dad & he's dead

‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) April 7, 2017

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I picture Neil Gorsuch being like, “Mr. Gorsuch is my father. Call me Evil Tom Bergeron.”

‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 7, 2017

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If you can ‘t handle me at my sudden failure of the speech center of my brain, you don ‘t clemency smap pineapple

‘ Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) April 10, 2017

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quick question pic.twitter.com/2QGcdjRWXI

‘ bobby (@bobby) April 5, 2017

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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what's that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is ‘ ‘a blenderplane

‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) April 10, 2017

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I wish I knew how to make mulch, how grate wood that be?

‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 10, 2017

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Jared Kushner's the kinda guy who yells, “Play Kokomo!” at a Beach Boys concert.

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 10, 2017

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ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.

‘ Kal (@captainkalvis) March 28, 2017

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LIFEHACK: Want to live rent-free? Book an escape room, and just act like you can't figure out how to leave, INDEFINITELY.

‘ todd levin (@toddlevin) April 6, 2017

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humans: we're gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we'll eat those too

‘ elon benes (@themiltron) April 8, 2017

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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) March 15, 2017

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Luke Cage does like 12 minutes on the Walgreen's greeting card aisle I was dying pic.twitter.com/yPncIjHkwC

‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) April 9, 2017

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ME: How bad is my stir fry injury, doc?

DR: I'm afraid you'll never wok again.

ME: This is devastating, my followers will hate this pun.

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 10, 2017

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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

‘ Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 4, 2017

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Welcome to Named After a Month Club. June welcome back. April good to see u. May, hows the kids? Danuary…nice try get out.

‘ Steve Nards (@Karate_Horse) April 10, 2017

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I'm writing a film abt a person who leaves Facebook w/out posting a monologue on Facebook abt why they're leaving Facebook.

‘ John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) April 9, 2017