By: Abigail Barr

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7 Excuses For Why You Disappeared So Long When You Were Taking A Shit In His Apartment

Ladies, we ‘ve all been there: you ‘re hanging out with a super cool guy, when suddenly you gotta hit the restroom BAD. It ‘s pretty early on in the relationship so you don ‘t want to scare him with your full personality. You just want to seem like a nice chill girl. And chill girls never poop. You ‘re gonna be in there for at least five minutes, possibly more if Chrissy Teigen put up any new Instagram stories, so here are some excuses you can tell him if he wonders why you disappeared for so long.

1. You were out changing your name to Bethany.

This super sweet guy somehow always accidentally calls you his ex ‘s name, Bethany! Next time he asks you where you went and you don ‘t want to tell him about your deuce dropping, just tell him you legally changed your name, to avoid any future confusion.

2. You were trying to get him a Nintendo Switch.

The only thing this dude loves more than pounding a few cold ones is avoiding any adult responsibilities by fighting in a fake MMO war with a bunch of foreign seven year olds on headset. (But he totally opposes the draft, bruh.) So he ‘s super psyched to get the Nintendo Switch which is conveniently only available in person. Tell him about how long the line was and how all the Task Rabbits hired by rich people ‘s children bought all the consoles. Maybe you ‘ll get brownie points for trying.

3. You were making him a delicious egg sandwich.

What ‘s that smell coming from the other room? Definitely not you in the bathroom! Attribute that eggy scent to your attempts to make him a sandwich, but you ‘re such a silly woman that you burned the whole thing! Guess you ‘ll have to order takeout.

4. You were having a fight with your best friend.

Tell him you were on the phone with your best friend having an argument. He ‘ll get so bored during your first sentence he ‘ll forget you disappeared entirely.

5. You were checking to see if you had your period.

If there ‘s one thing Chad hates to think about women doing besides pooping, it ‘s got to be having their period. How do women bleed for days and not die? It ‘s too confusing for him. Tell him you were trying to figure out if you were on your period and he ‘ll be so relieved that you ‘re not he won ‘t even think about your disappearance.

6. You were planning your wedding.

ALL women want to get married, right? If you say any wedding keywords like marriage, white dress, or flower girl, his brain will immediately go into overdrive thinking about how little he wants to commit. He ‘ll be terrified and the last thing on his mind will be your shit.

7. You were reading a Trump tweet and got really upset.

You ‘re worried about an impending nuclear war with all of Asia, and more worried about the fact that Trump finally learned how to properly thread tweets. Tell Chad all about it and sink into those manly arms.

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