By: Jason Flowers
Unfortunately, this week ‘s tweets have been given a terminal diagnosis.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) April 18, 2017
Congratulations to Bill O'Reilly on taking this important first step toward the presidency of the United States.
‘ Bess Kalb (@bessbell) April 19, 2017
Probably the most humiliating thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is “Teenage Wasteland.”
‘ Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 19, 2017
“Alright, one more, everyone else get in there!” pic.twitter.com/VTucz8xlhi
‘ Scizz Girdner (@scottgairdner) April 20, 2017
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 18, 2017
So does bisexual mean once every two genders, or does it mean twice every gender
‘ Sarah Gailey (@gaileyfrey) April 14, 2017
JUDGE: Your phrase is “Conflict Avoidance”
KID: Can you use it in a sentence?
J: Your dad asked me to tell you your dog died.
‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 17, 2017
You know who has nice tits? A GOOD PERSONALITY.
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) April 16, 2017
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) April 10, 2017
Waitress: u didn't finish your salad. Would you like me to wrap it up?
Me: yes. I'll take it home for my lawn mower he's probably starving
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) April 15, 2017
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2017
i don’t smoke. i don’t go out on weekends. i don’t wear slutty clothes. i don’t twerk in front of guys. because i am a paperclip
‘ holyscum (@holyscum) April 20, 2017
the most unbelievable part of Friends was how the other five weren't constantly hitting ross up for cool dinosaur facts
‘ Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) April 19, 2017
Fast Movies (best to worst)
‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) April 12, 2017
Man: have you read Infinite Jest
Me: no, have you read The Babysitters Club #4: Logan Likes Mary Anne
Me: well look whos stupid now
‘ Ej Dickson (@ejdickson) April 17, 2017
Congratulations on finishing this video game after playing it for 8 hours of your life. Here’s a list of people with a better job than you.
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 15, 2017
DOCTOR: you're ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) January 14, 2017
Come on everyone, those tearful goodbyes with your BFFs as you say farewell to campus life and hello to your hometown are useless. Going home for Thanksgiving is actually the greatest thing ever.
What if those horrible Pharmaceutical Ads actually told the truth? Meet Frank. Frank can’t poop because he pops pills all day, but thanks to Movantik now he can pop pills and still poop. Thanks Movantik!