By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #80

Unfortunately, this week ‘s tweets have been given a terminal diagnosis.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) April 18, 2017
Congratulations to Bill O'Reilly on taking this important first step toward the presidency of the United States.
‘ Bess Kalb (@bessbell) April 19, 2017
Probably the most humiliating thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is “Teenage Wasteland.”
‘ Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 19, 2017
“Alright, one more, everyone else get in there!” pic.twitter.com/VTucz8xlhi
‘ Scizz Girdner (@scottgairdner) April 20, 2017
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 18, 2017
So does bisexual mean once every two genders, or does it mean twice every gender
‘ Sarah Gailey (@gaileyfrey) April 14, 2017
{Spelling Bee}
JUDGE: Your phrase is “Conflict Avoidance”
KID: Can you use it in a sentence?
J: Your dad asked me to tell you your dog died.‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 17, 2017
You know who has nice tits? A GOOD PERSONALITY.
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) April 16, 2017
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) April 10, 2017
Waitress: u didn't finish your salad. Would you like me to wrap it up?
Me: yes. I'll take it home for my lawn mower he's probably starving‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) April 15, 2017
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2017
i don’t smoke. i don’t go out on weekends. i don’t wear slutty clothes. i don’t twerk in front of guys. because i am a paperclip
‘ holyscum (@holyscum) April 20, 2017
the most unbelievable part of Friends was how the other five weren't constantly hitting ross up for cool dinosaur facts
‘ Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) April 19, 2017
Fast Movies (best to worst)
1. Fast
2. Furious
3. Fast
4. The
5. Fast
6. And
7. Furious
8. Fast‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) April 12, 2017
Man: have you read Infinite Jest
Me: no, have you read The Babysitters Club #4: Logan Likes Mary Anne
Man: no
Me: well look whos stupid now‘ Ej Dickson (@ejdickson) April 17, 2017
Congratulations on finishing this video game after playing it for 8 hours of your life. Here’s a list of people with a better job than you.
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 15, 2017
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you're ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) January 14, 2017
[family feud]
STEVE HARVEY: 100 people surveyed.
ME: (buzz's in) Prove it, Steve.‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 18, 2017
I wish I had the confidence of this white man with zero money. pic.twitter.com/1oYD4C9ktd
‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 18, 2017
Is there a funnier moment in television history than this snapshot of Teen Jeopardy? pic.twitter.com/3Urr66fssX
‘ Jeff May (@heytherejeffro) April 17, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
this is my impression of a man at my funeral
me: *is dead*
man: oK but name 5 led zeppelin songs that AREnt stairway to heaven
‘ rihanna's nipples (@neshathewicked) April 18, 2017
[april showers bring may flowers]
may: I have a boyfriend
‘ Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) April 19, 2017
never look straight into an eclipse don't give him the attention that's what he wants
‘ julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) April 19, 2017
Either viral marketing for deadpool 2 has already started or some guy with two swords came to my son ‘s funeral and called him a ‘cum nugget ‘
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) April 17, 2017
Getting every reaction on a post is like the EGOT of Facebook
‘ Cathy Humes @ Liberty City Anime Con (@CrappyFumes) April 19, 2017
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.‘ Shantira Jackson (@tira_son) April 19, 2017
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