By: Jason Flowers
Unfortunately, this week ‘s tweets have been given a terminal diagnosis.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) April 18, 2017
Congratulations to Bill O'Reilly on taking this important first step toward the presidency of the United States.
‘ Bess Kalb (@bessbell) April 19, 2017
Probably the most humiliating thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is “Teenage Wasteland.”
‘ Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 19, 2017
“Alright, one more, everyone else get in there!” pic.twitter.com/VTucz8xlhi
‘ Scizz Girdner (@scottgairdner) April 20, 2017
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 18, 2017
So does bisexual mean once every two genders, or does it mean twice every gender
‘ Sarah Gailey (@gaileyfrey) April 14, 2017
JUDGE: Your phrase is “Conflict Avoidance”
KID: Can you use it in a sentence?
J: Your dad asked me to tell you your dog died.
‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 17, 2017
You know who has nice tits? A GOOD PERSONALITY.
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) April 16, 2017
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) April 10, 2017
Waitress: u didn't finish your salad. Would you like me to wrap it up?
Me: yes. I'll take it home for my lawn mower he's probably starving
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) April 15, 2017
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2017
i don’t smoke. i don’t go out on weekends. i don’t wear slutty clothes. i don’t twerk in front of guys. because i am a paperclip
‘ holyscum (@holyscum) April 20, 2017
the most unbelievable part of Friends was how the other five weren't constantly hitting ross up for cool dinosaur facts
‘ Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) April 19, 2017
Fast Movies (best to worst)
‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) April 12, 2017
Man: have you read Infinite Jest
Me: no, have you read The Babysitters Club #4: Logan Likes Mary Anne
Me: well look whos stupid now
‘ Ej Dickson (@ejdickson) April 17, 2017
Congratulations on finishing this video game after playing it for 8 hours of your life. Here’s a list of people with a better job than you.
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 15, 2017
DOCTOR: you're ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) January 14, 2017
STEVE HARVEY: 100 people surveyed.
ME: (buzz's in) Prove it, Steve.
‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 18, 2017
I wish I had the confidence of this white man with zero money. pic.twitter.com/1oYD4C9ktd
‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 18, 2017
Is there a funnier moment in television history than this snapshot of Teen Jeopardy? pic.twitter.com/3Urr66fssX
‘ Jeff May (@heytherejeffro) April 17, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
this is my impression of a man at my funeral
me: *is dead*
man: oK but name 5 led zeppelin songs that AREnt stairway to heaven
‘ rihanna's nipples (@neshathewicked) April 18, 2017
[april showers bring may flowers]
may: I have a boyfriend
‘ Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) April 19, 2017
never look straight into an eclipse don't give him the attention that's what he wants
‘ julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) April 19, 2017
Either viral marketing for deadpool 2 has already started or some guy with two swords came to my son ‘s funeral and called him a ‘cum nugget ‘
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) April 17, 2017
Getting every reaction on a post is like the EGOT of Facebook
‘ Cathy Humes @ Liberty City Anime Con (@CrappyFumes) April 19, 2017
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
‘ Shantira Jackson (@tira_son) April 19, 2017
Have you ever had an awkward time in bed? Credits: Guy: Cris Welti Lady: Ashlee Toll Boom mic operator: Robert Beamer Camera: Anthony Berenato Jr. Writers: Robert Beamer and Brett Udis Director: Robert Beamer Editors: Robert Beamer and Brett Udis Music: Brett Udis and Robert Beamer Producer: Robert Beamer
Episode 2 of Never Ever Land, the Web Series. We catch up with Zoey and Claire over a year after their big move to Hollywood. Has Zoey booked a role? Not exactly. Has Claire become the town’s most revered talent manager? Ehhhh. But things are looking up when the duo gets a call from Zoey’s Agent, Ricky Disner. It’s gonna be a good year in Never Ever Land.
There is one movie out to get every award next year. How? Cover every angle out there. Except the Holocaust. Not that we didn’t try
Republican Presidential Candidate Marco Rubio released a campaign commercial answering questions based on the top Google searches involving his name. We had a feeling that he was leaving some of the actual top Google searches out though. Sure enough, we did a test and here are the actual top Google searches involving Marco Rubio’s name.