By: Jason Flowers
Unfortunately, this week ‘s tweets have been given a terminal diagnosis.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) April 18, 2017
Congratulations to Bill O'Reilly on taking this important first step toward the presidency of the United States.
‘ Bess Kalb (@bessbell) April 19, 2017
Probably the most humiliating thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is “Teenage Wasteland.”
‘ Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 19, 2017
“Alright, one more, everyone else get in there!” pic.twitter.com/VTucz8xlhi
‘ Scizz Girdner (@scottgairdner) April 20, 2017
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 18, 2017
So does bisexual mean once every two genders, or does it mean twice every gender
‘ Sarah Gailey (@gaileyfrey) April 14, 2017
JUDGE: Your phrase is “Conflict Avoidance”
KID: Can you use it in a sentence?
J: Your dad asked me to tell you your dog died.
‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 17, 2017
You know who has nice tits? A GOOD PERSONALITY.
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) April 16, 2017
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) April 10, 2017
Waitress: u didn't finish your salad. Would you like me to wrap it up?
Me: yes. I'll take it home for my lawn mower he's probably starving
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) April 15, 2017
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2017
i don’t smoke. i don’t go out on weekends. i don’t wear slutty clothes. i don’t twerk in front of guys. because i am a paperclip
‘ holyscum (@holyscum) April 20, 2017
the most unbelievable part of Friends was how the other five weren't constantly hitting ross up for cool dinosaur facts
‘ Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) April 19, 2017
Fast Movies (best to worst)
‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) April 12, 2017
Man: have you read Infinite Jest
Me: no, have you read The Babysitters Club #4: Logan Likes Mary Anne
Me: well look whos stupid now
‘ Ej Dickson (@ejdickson) April 17, 2017
Congratulations on finishing this video game after playing it for 8 hours of your life. Here’s a list of people with a better job than you.
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 15, 2017
DOCTOR: you're ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) January 14, 2017