27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #80

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) April 18, 2017

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Congratulations to Bill O'Reilly on taking this important first step toward the presidency of the United States.

‘ Bess Kalb (@bessbell) April 19, 2017

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Probably the most humiliating thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is “Teenage Wasteland.”

‘ Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 19, 2017

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“Alright, one more, everyone else get in there!” pic.twitter.com/VTucz8xlhi

‘ Scizz Girdner (@scottgairdner) April 20, 2017

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friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 18, 2017

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So does bisexual mean once every two genders, or does it mean twice every gender

‘ Sarah Gailey (@gaileyfrey) April 14, 2017

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{Spelling Bee}
JUDGE: Your phrase is “Conflict Avoidance”
KID: Can you use it in a sentence?
J: Your dad asked me to tell you your dog died.

‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 17, 2017

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You know who has nice tits? A GOOD PERSONALITY.

‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) April 16, 2017

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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) April 10, 2017

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Waitress: u didn't finish your salad. Would you like me to wrap it up?
Me: yes. I'll take it home for my lawn mower he's probably starving

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) April 15, 2017

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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'

‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2017

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i don’t smoke. i don’t go out on weekends. i don’t wear slutty clothes. i don’t twerk in front of guys. because i am a paperclip

‘ holyscum (@holyscum) April 20, 2017

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the most unbelievable part of Friends was how the other five weren't constantly hitting ross up for cool dinosaur facts

‘ Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) April 19, 2017

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Fast Movies (best to worst)

1. Fast
2. Furious
3. Fast
4. The
5. Fast
6. And
7. Furious
8. Fast

‘ Nick Mundy (@dickfundy) April 12, 2017

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Man: have you read Infinite Jest
Me: no, have you read The Babysitters Club #4: Logan Likes Mary Anne
Man: no
Me: well look whos stupid now

‘ Ej Dickson (@ejdickson) April 17, 2017

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Congratulations on finishing this video game after playing it for 8 hours of your life. Here’s a list of people with a better job than you.

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 15, 2017

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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you're ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) January 14, 2017

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[family feud]
STEVE HARVEY: 100 people surveyed.
ME: (buzz's in) Prove it, Steve.

‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 18, 2017

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I wish I had the confidence of this white man with zero money. pic.twitter.com/1oYD4C9ktd

‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 18, 2017

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Is there a funnier moment in television history than this snapshot of Teen Jeopardy? pic.twitter.com/3Urr66fssX

‘ Jeff May (@heytherejeffro) April 17, 2017

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[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017

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this is my impression of a man at my funeral

me: *is dead*

man: oK but name 5 led zeppelin songs that AREnt stairway to heaven

‘ rihanna's nipples (@neshathewicked) April 18, 2017

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[april showers bring may flowers]

may: I have a boyfriend

‘ Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) April 19, 2017

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never look straight into an eclipse don't give him the attention that's what he wants

‘ julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) April 19, 2017

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Either viral marketing for deadpool 2 has already started or some guy with two swords came to my son ‘s funeral and called him a ‘cum nugget ‘

‘ vineyille (@vineyille) April 17, 2017

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Getting every reaction on a post is like the EGOT of Facebook

‘ Cathy Humes @ Liberty City Anime Con (@CrappyFumes) April 19, 2017

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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

‘ Shantira Jackson (@tira_son) April 19, 2017