By: Ryan Haney

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Brave! This Man Will Boycott United Airlines Unless He Like Can’t Avoid It

I, like many of you, was deeply disturbed by the images that circulated a few weeks ago of a man being brutalized and then dragged off a United Airlines flight. I ‘m sorry that I did not speak out sooner, but I simply did not have the words to express my outrage.

Let this incident remind you that that we are not willing participants in some thriving democracy. That voting booth you stepped into in November was little more than a toy, meant to distract you from the fact that we are cogs in the thrashing, ruthless machine of a Corporate Oligarchy. Your ‘rights, ‘ if you are naive enough to believe that you have any, only go as far as the bottom line.

I, for one, refuse to be treated like cattle, to have my sweet, heaving teat milked for profit and then be brought behind the barn and shot when I am no longer of ‘use. ‘ If I will not be given a ballot, then I will vote with my dollar. I am boycotting United Airlines, unless I, like, have to fly them. I ‘ve got a lot of family in Chicago and that ‘s one of their hubs. So if I don ‘t take that flight it ‘s like, ‘who ‘s milking who? ‘ am I right?

Brothers and Sisters, I know that we cannot hope to use the mechanics of capitalism to bring about real justice. When a prisoner wants freedom, does he ask for more chains? But until we topple the institutions that have taken power from so many and given it to so few, the least we can do is refuse to put our hard-earned dollars in the hands of our abusers, unless they have the absolute cheapest fare and you ‘ve double checked on Kayak and Travelocity. I mean, paying a little more for a ticket sounds all well and good until you factor in a rental car. Talk about ‘injustice! ‘ You want me to shell out how much for this dopey Ford Focus that smells like someone pissed blood in an ashtray and then dumped it in the back seat? That Hertz attendant was lucky that I had to make it to the Hilton by noon so I could check in to my vape convention or else I would have gone all ‘Occupy ‘ on his ass.

The truth, Brothers and Sisters, is that the video of that customer ‘s ‘re-accommodation ‘ was not the spark of my dissent, just more fuel for its red-hot flame. I was already protesting United AirLIES for refusing to let a group of young women board one of their planes less than a month ago because they had the terrible audacity to wear leggings. United wants us to forget the fact that they do not consider the female body a ‘carry-on item, ‘ but time alone will not quench our thirst for equality. And I told the gate attendant as much as I boarded my United flight for Cincinnati last weekend. I will seize any opportunity to speak truth to power and to see The Chainsmokers live on tour when my cousin gets last minute tickets through work.

Sadly, I believe my words fell on deaf ears. United will not listen to reason. The only language they speak is dollars and cents. Alone we may be weak, but if enough of us band together and refuse to give United our business, and I continue to earn free flights on my United MileagePlus Explorer Card from Visa, we will slowly bleed our oppressor dry. Also, if I rack up just 17,000 more miles on United this year, I will be eligible for free seat upgrades on all domestic flights. The closer I am to the cockpit, the more I can make my voice heard! I think I also get priority boarding, which is a nicer perk than a lot of people realize. Especially on smaller planes where the overhead bins fill up quick. ‘Cause there is no way I ‘m gate checking my bag. I ‘ve got my vape and, like, four Chainsmoker t-shirts in there, asshole.

Stay strong. Keep up the good fight. And know I am standing with you in solidarity. And if I am for, like, some weird reason I am flying United, I ‘m totally asking for extra pretzels and seltzer. Death sometimes comes from a thousand tiny cuts.

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