27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #81

I don't want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 22, 2017

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i come from a long line of people waiting for the bathroom

‘ Luke Mones (@LukeMones) April 24, 2017

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Not a lot of people eat here, but everyone who does opens a noodle restaurant. pic.twitter.com/Go6ZyNkCNk

‘ Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 24, 2017

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uh real scientific having a MARCH for Science in APRIL

‘ Christine Nangle (@nanglish) April 22, 2017

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ME: (unthawing Walt Disney) You need to draw pants for that duck.

‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 24, 2017

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Eve: that's it?
Adam: this is literally the biggest penis on earth.

‘ Minion (@miffedmim) February 18, 2017

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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 24, 2017

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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're “on” for work every day mon-fri

‘ slick (@dlicj) April 14, 2017

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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

‘ Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017

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Younger followers may not understand North Korea so let me explain: it's a strange, isolated country entirely populated by Vice journalists

‘ beloved comedy institution ‘the pixelated boat ‘ (@pixelatedboat) April 19, 2017

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[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 21, 2017

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I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered.

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 21, 2017

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i wish all the silicon valley guys who say they're the next steve jobs were talking about his pancreas

‘ Virgil Texas (@virgiltexas) April 26, 2017

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*ronald mcdonald wiping off his makeup after a long day at work to reveal the exact same makeup but a sad mouth*

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) April 26, 2017

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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can ‘can you not see any of them?

‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 23, 2017

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A cow is not “just a boob horse”

‘ jess (@jessokfine) April 20, 2017

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Every morning I like to wake up and…*tosses Q-tip behind the bathroom garbage can*

‘ Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 23, 2017

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If the internet has taught me anything, it's that there are 69 peanuts in this bag. pic.twitter.com/E4sausciy4

‘ joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) April 24, 2017

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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn't unpacking, it's the looming threat of nuclear war

‘ Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 19, 2017

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My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours that baby's gotta be so fucking clean by now what the fuck are they even doing

‘ Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 22, 2017

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Jeff Goldblum's full name is Jeff Goldbloomin' Onion.

‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) April 24, 2017

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Bruce Banner would only turn into the Hulk when he saw someone from his high school at Target.

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) April 26, 2017

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startup idea: ISIS but just against people who say 'doggo'

‘ lucy valentine (@LucyXIV) April 23, 2017

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knuckle tattoo idea: CROU TONS

‘ maria sherman (@mariasherm) April 24, 2017

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Phone batteries don't last as long as they should. If you ask me, they should make a battery that goes to 200% or even 300%

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 24, 2017

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If I had a time machine I'd use it every night to go back in time and fall asleep when I got tired instead of three hours later.

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 27, 2017

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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 24, 2017