The Greatest Accomplishments of Trump’s First 100 Days

Got his well-done steak back after a stray dog snatched it off the dinner table.

Has taken a deuce in over half of the toilets in the White House.

Finally worked the hitch out of his back swing.

Got Jeff Sessions to sit on his lap and pretend to be his ventriloquist dummy.

Spelled his own wife ‘s name three different ways.

Made it an entire day before realizing that his fly was down and his dick was out.

Ate over 48 spiders in his sleep.

Only pissed on his own tie twice.

Removed almost 1/3 of the Russian agents from his staff.

Convinced the White House kitchen to make him a grilled cheese sandwich with pancakes for bread.

Carved his initials into Oval Office desk, Oval Office, chair, and Sean Spicer ‘s back.

Near completion on Oval Office trap door.

Put a sick drop-down projection screen in Lincoln Bedroom.

Uploaded 7 slime vids to Instagram.

Finished two drafts of his ‘Two And A Half Men ‘ spec script.

Learned all of the words to ‘We Didn ‘t Start The Fire. ‘

Tweeted out a pretty solid FaceApp.

Was mistaken for a wax dummy of himself in the White House visitors center.

Got good at using chopsticks, but not good enough to take off the rubber band.

Put a little bit of a wedge between Jared and Ivanka on parenting stuff.

Called Tiffany within a two-month range of her birthday.

Had the nuclear football brought to him in the bathroom of Air Force Once, just to see if they would.

Created jobs for Phil and Donnie, the guys who baby powder the spots he can ‘t see or reach.

Grew out his sideburns.

Took up skate boarding and can kinda ollie.

Learned 5 new slurs.

Slept for over 40 minutes.

Became the first president to order a missile strike from inside a tanning bed.

Had two different bats get stuck in his hair.

Realized that North Korea is a lot more complicated than you think.

Realized that health care is a lot more complicated than you think.

Realized that the card game ‘UNO ‘ is a lot more complicated than you think.

Got his first henna tattoo.

Imitated a democrat in such a high voice, it broke a wine glass.

Found out what chives are.

Sat and screamed in a big rig, in a hearse, and on a Sea-Doo.

Caught a shrimp in his mouth at White House hibachi night.

Wiped his ass with every single page of the TPP.

Conducted a meeting with a fully asleep Ben Carson.

Tricked his daughter ‘s husband into visiting a war zone.

Got past the first level on Temple Run.

Survived for 16 hours drinking mop water and eating sponges after accidentally locking himself in a janitorial closet.

Went one day where he ate chicken fingers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Had over a dozen massage therapists run out of the White House in tears.

Made Devin Nunes rack up over $70 in Uber rides in one night.

Finished three books of Mad Libs.

Never once drank a glass of water.

Ordered Air Force one to buzz three empty football stadiums.

Woke himself up with his own fart.

Oversaw complete overhaul of Mar-a-Lago ‘s dessert menu.

Returned a dress shirt without a receipt.

Enjoyed an hour of pool time with no swimmies.

Finally got his Sims to fuck.

Got Mike Pence to tell him what he thinks sex is.

Checked every White House chandelier for ghosts.

Made a mini flamethrower from a can of axe.

Stood up Paul Ryan on four separate occasions.

Learned that AHCA doesn ‘t stand for ‘American Hamburger andCheese Authority. ‘

Learned that NATO doesn ‘t stand for ‘No Ass, Tits Only. ‘

Learned that NAFTA doesn ‘t stand for ‘No Ass, Frickin ‘ TitsAlways. ‘

Caught a lizard, put in in the freezer, and smashed it with a hammer.

Recovered $12.47 in change from shopping mall fountains.

Chipped a golf ball over the MLK memorial.

Watched over 3 hours of fidget spinner demos on YouTube.

Realized the difference between ‘Allah ‘ and ‘ABBA. ‘

Sent a tweet using only the tip of his penis.

Pardoned and commuted the sentence of the Hamburglar.

Changed the White House doorbell to the sound of a cash register.

Managed to shit a diamond, despite severe anal tearing.

Took the entirety of his inauguration crowd out for ice cream in a 15 passenger van.

Made Angela Merkel watch him play pinball for 35 minutes.

Appointed a sick child to sneeze on Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Replaced his wardrobe entirely with suits originally made for circus bears.

Became the first president to ever choke on a Purple Heart.

Filled remaining government positions through a rigorous screening and karaoke competition process.

Popped 14 of Steve Bannon ‘s back zits.

Squeezed more out of a Juicero pack than the machine.

Simplified the tax code down to a Buzzfeed quiz.

Began construction on luxury condos at MOAB drop site.

Molested an upside down mop leaning against a wall.

Found a copy of ‘The Lion King ‘ were the dust spells ‘SEX. ‘

Fought to ensure that all women have access to Ivanka ‘s clothing and jewelry line.

Found ‘guilty of being too slick with the ladies ‘ by SupremeCourt Justice Neil Gorsuch.

Held a White House reception honoring the brave men who dragged that doctor off of that United flight.

Installed a skylight in the situation room.

Consulted a map that wasn ‘t in a Sports Illustrated SwimsuitEdition.

Had a meeting with Theresa May and used Reince Preibus as a coffee table for it ‘s entirety.

Attempted to enter a nuclear conflict with a talking parrot.

Underwent surgery for thumb implants to boost morale at future rallies.

Rallied his base by making out with a lump of coal.

Accidentally sat on Betsy Devos at 10 straight cabinet meetings.

Finally found a fedora that works for him.

Won a samurai sword on eBay.

Had a wet dream about the border wall in a giant bikini.

Declared Flo, the Progressive Insurance spokeswoman, to be ‘fake news. ‘

Issued an executive order demanding the release of a second ‘Entourage ‘ movie.

Showed Shinzo Abe what happens when you pour salt a slug.

Met with US automakers to ask if they could build Mater from ‘Cars ‘ in real life.

Ordered NASA to fly a man to the sun by the end of his first term.

Bought VIP tix to Fyre Festival.