By: ZZ Grunnings
Dear Drs. Sangh, Krofting, Morra, and Klingmoon,
I recently read our Alumni newsletter and stumbled across a picture of the four of you at the March For Science in Washington D.C. I felt a twinge of regret, as I was immediately reminded of the time you didn ‘t invite me to that alcohol party in college. But even then, I knew we were going to lose touch someday, because of your beliefs about science.
Look, I didn ‘t write this letter to denounce the politicization of science; the honest and painstaking pursuit of reproducible, objective truth is a noble profession, and marching for that cause is justified. No, no. I write to remind you that your science is pathetic.
While you were studying how to modify T-cell lymphocytes with the hopes of curing children ‘s cancer, I was studying how to make billions of radioactive microscopic-nano clones of my own brain, so that I may launch them into outer space and populate unknown planets with psychic swarms of nuclear brain particles. I dreamed that someday, they might travel all the way back Earth and conquer it! I highly doubt that the little children you saved would be capable of conquering an entire planet with psychic energy! Muha. They ‘ll probably just grow up and live full, boring, human lives.
And of course, vaccines don ‘t cause autism. We all know that, from basic epidemiology studies. But you laughed at me during journal club when I had the courage to suggest that maybe vaccines should cause autism. Mu. Muha!
I think it ‘s cute that you study how carbon dioxide levels by analyzing rock composition. And sure, maybe you ‘ve helped to demonstrate the severity of climate change. But did a single one of you think that maybe,just maybe, drastic, accelerating, and unstoppable climate change is a good thing? If we can accelerate it fast enough, it might just be possible to induce a chaotic ULTRA-EVOLUTION in all living species by heating up quarks to collide at infinitely fast rates, ultimately changing the very structure of DNA itself. Can you imagine the strange and terrifying creatures that would emerge? Muhahaha!
You FOOLS. Science is supposed to look to the future; and yet, you look backwards, trying to help the pathetic, mortal flesh-sacks we call our fellow humans. They disgust me. I can taste their filth in the air whenever I emerge from my hidden underground lab.
And so, regretfully, please delete the E-vite from me about the unveiling of my secret mutant clone undead army. Isaac Newton famously said that he stood on the shoulders of giants. Me, I will stand on the shoulders of undead half-bird, half-gorilla men with knives for faces. KNIVES FOR FUCKING FACES.
Yours until the Sun explodes by my doing,