By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets contain no less than one million-dollar idea.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who's only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren't listening.
‘ Paul (@bingowings14) May 20, 2016
If I ever rob a bank I won't resort to guns or violence. I'll bring in sizzling fajitas, the one distraction no human being can resist.
‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 5, 2017
When life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. It is time. There is no turning back now. You are the Lemon Keeper.
‘ Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) April 2, 2017
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) May 7, 2017
Friend: you've never even had a girl in your room
Me: yes I have!
[Cut to girl from The Ring crawling out my TV & killing my dad]
‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 9, 2017
ME: I don't know if I'm ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
‘ The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) May 8, 2017
3 years ago i DMed a girl on here. 3 years later we have each other blocked and this is a random pic i found on google pic.twitter.com/4da8cykFuL
‘ kakashi 6ix1ne (@halalszn) May 7, 2017
I buy my whole wardrobe via sponsored Facebook posts. Shirt I'm wearing now says keep calm & never underestimate a Nick born in August
‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) May 4, 2017
My girlfriend thinks I'm forgetful. I was like “where are my keys” and what's-her-face was like “wow you're forgetful”
‘ Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) May 8, 2017
Beauty & the Beast review
1. I'd fuck Gaston
2. I'd fuck the Beast
3. I have not had sex in a very long time
4. I will fuck the kettle
‘ Deirdre (@figgled) May 6, 2017
I'd rather let someone see me naked than parallel park
‘ Kevin T. Porter (@KevinTPorter) April 30, 2017
Her: He won't stop talking in egg phrases!
Him: I don't want this marriage to be over easy. I'm scrambling to fix this.
‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 9, 2017
Starting a new ride service that picks you up, drives you out to a field, lets you scream for 15 minutes, then drives you right back home.
‘ Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) May 11, 2017
This Comey shit is the most horrifying thing I've heard all day & earlier this morning, I found out that chimps use frogs as fleshlights.
‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) May 9, 2017
a raccoon is just ten squirrels at once
‘ Taryn Englehart (@changawei) May 8, 2017
ME: [doing something to deserve this] I've done nothing to deserve this.
‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) February 9, 2017
The intern just said “isn't it a bit early to eat cheetos” to me in front of the whole office so now we are in a war that only I know about
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 8, 2017
[aflac duck walks in on me playing duck hunt]
ME: I'm so sorry this isn't what it looks like
DUCK: [disapprovingly] aflac
‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) May 6, 2017
if you 'accidentally' spill an entire 7-11 big gulp on a sears mannequin they will throw it out and you can go have sex with it in the trasg
‘ wint (@dril) May 9, 2017
Quick while we don't have a FBI Director, copy all the VHS tapes you have! No one can stop you! pic.twitter.com/zxUvnPWMtW
‘ Sarah Fox (@SarahFoxes) May 10, 2017
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what's your 12th favourite juice?
‘ brent (@murrman5) May 6, 2017
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017
(guy I'm not attracted to breaks into my apartment and wakes me up from a nap)
“Hey so I think ur great but I actually have a girlfriend”
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) May 9, 2017
I wish I could screenshot some conversations I have in person.
‘ Jared Freid (@jtrain56) May 9, 2017
Wasps: bees, but not helping
‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) April 29, 2017
Fub fact: Steely Dan is named after what my grandma thought was the name of the movie Terminator
‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) May 10, 2017
I call my testicles The Godfather because by the time you see the third one you're ready to go home.
‘ Hot Coughy (@uncle_fescue) March 14, 2017