How to Find Your Mom a Side Piece for Mother ‘s Day

Your mom is the woman that brought you into this world. By having sex with your dad. The least you can do for Mother ‘s Day is to repay her for that and find her a slammin ‘ side piece.

Make her a Tinder profile

Tinder wasn ‘t around when your mom was in her prime and looking for a husband. And she wouldn ‘t have found him on Tinder anyway, but YOU can find someone to hit her and quit her, no problem. Rummage through old family photo albums for swipeable pics of your mom ‘s fanny lookin ‘packed and wait for the matches to pile up. The best part: you won ‘t have to explain to her how to use the app!

Scout the local college campus

It may seem counterintuitive to find someone in basically your same life situation for the woman who gave you life, but college bros are notoriously into MILFs. Just check their browser history. So, pop into the nearest sociology class and pick out a 20-year-old jackhammer (who probably forgot to get his own mother a gift) for her to unwrap on her special day.

Post an ad on Craigslist and in the classified section and in her company newsletter

Everyone knows that the key to getting your mom some extramarital cock is diversification. Don ‘t hate the player, hate the game. A/B test with different interests, kinks, and safewords. There ‘s someone somewhere down to bone your mom and it ‘s your duty, as her flesh and blood, to find that person.

Produce a season of The Bachelorette for her

You know how your mom loves watching The Bachelor and The Bachelerotte and always tries to explain what happened on the last episode but can ‘t really remember anyone ‘s name? Put her on the show! Let her pick her own fuck machine ‘ after you ‘ve thoroughly vetted and cast the absolute best for your dear, sweet mother. Bonus: there ‘s no risk of polygamy, since none of the contestants ever follow through with the marriage part.