By: Alex Pearson

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The American Way: 13 White Men Plan The Perfect Mother’s Day

As we know from the current healthcare bill, groups of roughly 13, roughly all-white men know what ‘s best for everybody, especially women. In that spirit, what better policy for moms than having 13 old conservative white dudes plan the perfect day this Sunday:


Breakfast in Recliner– Thirteen men agree: The most comfortable place in the world is that old La-Z-Boy in front of the TV. Mom is going to love having bran flakes and black coffee right there in that creaky recliner, stewing in the nostalgic scent of two decades worth of Saturday afternoon beer farts.

Skimming the Business Section While Saving Private Ryan Plays On Cable in the Background– 26 white male thumbs up.

Sharing Something Critical of Colin Kaepernick on Facebook ‘ A reminder from 13 old white guys: The only news you can trust comes from places still fuming with outrage at this guy.

Staring at Gary Next Door ‘s Lawn– Mom ‘s going to love taking a few minutes out of her special morning to stand at the window wondering aloud how much money Gary must be blowing on his lawn. She ‘ll admit that it does look good though.

Jimmy Buffett Car Sing-A-Long– Mom music.

A Walking Tour of Home Depot ‘ aka ‘Mom Heaven ‘


Lunch Some Place with Animal Heads on the Walls ‘ But if the best you can do is a place with several paintings of fox hunt scenes, 13 old white men will allow it.

Napping Through A Golf Broadcast ‘ 13 male Republican tested, 13 male Republican approved.

Brand New Cigars and a Funny New Grilling Apron ‘ Let 13 white guys take all the guesswork out of shopping for the perfect last-minute gift for mom.

Showing Off the New Cigars and Apron to Gary Next Door ‘ Moms are going to be moms.


Grilling Out ‘ Cooking inside may be a chore every other day, but that ‘s because Mom isn ‘t able to do it while relaxing out in the mosquitoes. More Jimmy Buffett included.

Off-Color Jokes About Obama ‘ A tip from 13 old white men on these: Let the Bud Lights do the heavy lifting.

Missionary Sex ’13 conservative white guys know what you really want, baby.

Chest Pain ‘ What better way to end a perfect Mother ‘s Day than a sharp jolt in the chest to remind you that you ‘re alive and your heart ‘s still beating, barely. You can always get that checked out by a doctor some other day, at least until these guys say you can ‘t.

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