By: Jason Flowers
It may already be too late to read these tweets.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 5, 2017
A good prank is to text your mom “it's okay my mother will never find out” followed by “sorry wrong person” and then just wait it out
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) April 12, 2017
The Only Ways I Text Back
‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 3, 2017
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I'm mad at her because I haven't answered, but I'm still typing.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) March 2, 2017
[googles how to get out of a speeding ticket]
cop: why would you voice to text that
‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 11, 2016
Sorry I didn't text you back, I was really busy all day thinking up the lie I'm telling you right now
‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 29, 2016
Hey, the 80s called. Cuz they don't know how to text.
‘ Matt Koff (@mattkoff) July 13, 2016
Every tv show should be called: “Can You Rewind It? I Got A Text And Lost The Plot”
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) September 11, 2016
every text I send after 1am is fake news
‘ Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 15, 2017
Changing the names of all the contacts in my phone so that I can be like
Siri, text The Wailing Heron
Siri, call A Cavernous Longing!
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 5, 2016
Late night text in 2015: U up?
Late night text in 2017: Here is a poem about loss I think you’ll enjoy,
‘ alana hope levinson (@alanalevinson) April 26, 2017
emojis were invented bc we needed a way to end text mesage conversations without being awkward
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 4, 2017
HOT TIP: wait to reply to his text until you no longer care if he lives or dies
‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 5, 2016
when u randomly get a two-step verification text because someone is trying to hack ur email pic.twitter.com/Tz9SHR6Cx5
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 29, 2017
If someone doesn't text you back immediately, don't get upset–they probably just saw a creepy clown and had a heart attack
‘ Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) October 6, 2016
Me: I'm so lonely
Also me: OH JESUS A TEXT MESSAGE GREAT NOW I HAVE TO THROW MY PHONE IN THE GD RIVER LEAVE ME ALONE
‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 13, 2016
before we had all this SOCIAL FUCKING MEDIA to post food pics on, people would just TAKE the pic, and TEXT it, to a RANDOMLY CHOSEN NUMBER
‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 2, 2016
[Text from Mom]
Mom: Please call me right away urgent
Me: What is it?
[eighteen days later]
Mom: do you need any paint? the cat says hi
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) March 11, 2017
Don't include me in your “baby name suggestions” group text if you're gonna ignore my ideas. Pubert is a beautiful name for a boy OR girl.
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 9, 2016
i wish there were self-destructing texts oh wait that's every text i send
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 6, 2016
for all the time you save w/ predictive text you waste even more when you have to send another message that says “I meant ‘jizz’ not ‘kids'”
‘ Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) December 11, 2016
I accidentally put a period at the end of a text to my kids and now they want to legally change their last name.
‘ Mike Scully (@scullymike) August 15, 2016
i have zero tolerance for any “omg i wanna text him but i assfdjsjd” type shit anymore it's the damn apocalypse snap him a titty
‘ jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) February 7, 2017
Incompatible power cords. Nonstop software upgrades. Forgetting your f$*%ing password – again! These are but a few of the high-tech dystopic nightmares humanity is *actually* in store for in this parody of the popular BBC/Netflix series BLACK MIRROR.