By: Jason Flowers
The older you get the faster this week ‘s tweets will fly by.
What a year this week has been.
‘ southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) May 12, 2017
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit fidget spinners
‘ Steven Perlberg (@perlberg) May 15, 2017
my anxiety does NOT define me. it is only a part of who i am. it just happens to be the part that motivates all of my decisions
‘ May Wilkerson (@shutupmay) May 13, 2017
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I'll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) May 12, 2017
People say diet soda is bad for you. Ok, so, I should drink gasoline now? Is that what you want? For me to drink pure, unleaded gasoline?!
‘ big skinny (@BronzeHammer) May 15, 2017
young man the only machine YOU'LL be “raging against” is the lawnmower
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) May 12, 2017
I am who I am and I'm not pretending to be anything else, and my husband, a large lamp I've set on top of a chair, is very proud of me
‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 9, 2017
BRIAN WILSON: everybody's gone surfin'
THERAPIST: sometimes it can FEEL like that.
‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) May 14, 2017
Now might be a good time to make sure the wording of The Constitution specifically prohibits a dog from becoming president.
‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 15, 2017
70% of the pleasure of being at an art museums is feeling like you're the kind of person who appreciates art.
‘ Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) May 15, 2017
[extreme helium voice] i love funeral balloons
‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) May 15, 2017
Always a pallbearer, never a bride
‘ Laura McLean (@lauraelizmclean) May 8, 2017
Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You're enraging us all.
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) May 14, 2017
zac afron worked out so hard that now he's 43 years old
‘ Josh Fadem (@joshfadem) May 16, 2017
Without question he thinks he's speaking French right now. pic.twitter.com/fw4jKLOO07
‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 13, 2017
*gets every answer wrong* pic.twitter.com/y9eZDWfTMD
‘ Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) May 11, 2017
My friend's toddler babbled “don't forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”
‘ Tom Gara (@tomgara) May 6, 2017
*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It's bald, right?
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 15, 2017
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
‘ Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) May 12, 2017
I cant wait til this baby is born bc pregnancy is truly hard & Im ready for the ease of being a mom!
‘ Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) May 14, 2017
You never hear about front spasms. Why do backs have all the spasms? That shit is racist.
‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 15, 2017
Man: I'd like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I'd like to buy 200 gerbils please
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) May 14, 2017
My resume is just a cheeseburger wrapper with “Hire me so I can pay for more cheeseburgers” written on it.
‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) May 12, 2017
My robot boyfriend isn’t very sensitive but I love that he has a port where I can charge my phone
‘ It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) May 15, 2017
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 6, 2017
Don't you hate when you're an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you're like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2017
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
‘ Tom Harrington (@TomHerringbone) May 14, 2017
In addition to Michelle Obama’s words, Lauren Lapkus, Matt Besser and Dave Holmes guess who else Melania Trump may have cribbed from in her RNC speech. Watch full episodes of @midnight now — no login required: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T @midnight with Chris Hardwick airs weeknights at 12a/11c on Comedy Central.