By: Jason Flowers
The older you get the faster this week ‘s tweets will fly by.
What a year this week has been.
‘ southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) May 12, 2017
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit fidget spinners
‘ Steven Perlberg (@perlberg) May 15, 2017
my anxiety does NOT define me. it is only a part of who i am. it just happens to be the part that motivates all of my decisions
‘ May Wilkerson (@shutupmay) May 13, 2017
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I'll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) May 12, 2017
People say diet soda is bad for you. Ok, so, I should drink gasoline now? Is that what you want? For me to drink pure, unleaded gasoline?!
‘ big skinny (@BronzeHammer) May 15, 2017
young man the only machine YOU'LL be “raging against” is the lawnmower
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) May 12, 2017
I am who I am and I'm not pretending to be anything else, and my husband, a large lamp I've set on top of a chair, is very proud of me
‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 9, 2017
BRIAN WILSON: everybody's gone surfin'
THERAPIST: sometimes it can FEEL like that.
‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) May 14, 2017
Now might be a good time to make sure the wording of The Constitution specifically prohibits a dog from becoming president.
‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 15, 2017
70% of the pleasure of being at an art museums is feeling like you're the kind of person who appreciates art.
‘ Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) May 15, 2017
[extreme helium voice] i love funeral balloons
‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) May 15, 2017
Always a pallbearer, never a bride
‘ Laura McLean (@lauraelizmclean) May 8, 2017
Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You're enraging us all.
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) May 14, 2017
zac afron worked out so hard that now he's 43 years old
‘ Josh Fadem (@joshfadem) May 16, 2017
Without question he thinks he's speaking French right now. pic.twitter.com/fw4jKLOO07
‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 13, 2017
*gets every answer wrong* pic.twitter.com/y9eZDWfTMD
‘ Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) May 11, 2017
My friend's toddler babbled “don't forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”
‘ Tom Gara (@tomgara) May 6, 2017
*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It's bald, right?
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 15, 2017
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
‘ Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) May 12, 2017
I cant wait til this baby is born bc pregnancy is truly hard & Im ready for the ease of being a mom!
‘ Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) May 14, 2017
You never hear about front spasms. Why do backs have all the spasms? That shit is racist.
‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 15, 2017
Man: I'd like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I'd like to buy 200 gerbils please
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) May 14, 2017
My resume is just a cheeseburger wrapper with “Hire me so I can pay for more cheeseburgers” written on it.
‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) May 12, 2017
My robot boyfriend isn’t very sensitive but I love that he has a port where I can charge my phone
‘ It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) May 15, 2017
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 6, 2017
Don't you hate when you're an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you're like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2017
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
‘ Tom Harrington (@TomHerringbone) May 14, 2017