27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #84

What a year this week has been.

‘ southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) May 12, 2017

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Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit fidget spinners

‘ Steven Perlberg (@perlberg) May 15, 2017

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my anxiety does NOT define me. it is only a part of who i am. it just happens to be the part that motivates all of my decisions

‘ May Wilkerson (@shutupmay) May 13, 2017

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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I'll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) May 12, 2017

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People say diet soda is bad for you. Ok, so, I should drink gasoline now? Is that what you want? For me to drink pure, unleaded gasoline?!

‘ big skinny (@BronzeHammer) May 15, 2017

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young man the only machine YOU'LL be “raging against” is the lawnmower

‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) May 12, 2017

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I am who I am and I'm not pretending to be anything else, and my husband, a large lamp I've set on top of a chair, is very proud of me

‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 9, 2017

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BRIAN WILSON: everybody's gone surfin'

THERAPIST: sometimes it can FEEL like that.

‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) May 14, 2017

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Now might be a good time to make sure the wording of The Constitution specifically prohibits a dog from becoming president.

‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 15, 2017

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70% of the pleasure of being at an art museums is feeling like you're the kind of person who appreciates art.

‘ Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) May 15, 2017

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[extreme helium voice] i love funeral balloons

‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) May 15, 2017

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Always a pallbearer, never a bride

‘ Laura McLean (@lauraelizmclean) May 8, 2017

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Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You're enraging us all.

‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) May 14, 2017

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zac afron worked out so hard that now he's 43 years old

‘ Josh Fadem (@joshfadem) May 16, 2017

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Without question he thinks he's speaking French right now. pic.twitter.com/fw4jKLOO07

‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 13, 2017

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*gets every answer wrong* pic.twitter.com/y9eZDWfTMD

‘ Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) May 11, 2017

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My friend's toddler babbled “don't forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”

‘ Tom Gara (@tomgara) May 6, 2017

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*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*

What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It's bald, right?

‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 15, 2017

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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

‘ Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) May 12, 2017

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I cant wait til this baby is born bc pregnancy is truly hard & Im ready for the ease of being a mom!

‘ Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) May 14, 2017

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You never hear about front spasms. Why do backs have all the spasms? That shit is racist.

‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 15, 2017

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Man: I'd like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I'd like to buy 200 gerbils please

‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) May 14, 2017

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My resume is just a cheeseburger wrapper with “Hire me so I can pay for more cheeseburgers” written on it.

‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) May 12, 2017

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My robot boyfriend isn’t very sensitive but I love that he has a port where I can charge my phone

‘ It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) May 15, 2017

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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 6, 2017

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Don't you hate when you're an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you're like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2017

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I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.

‘ Tom Harrington (@TomHerringbone) May 14, 2017