By: Wes Schlagenhauf

| | | |

13 Things You Should Know If You’ve Been In A Coma For The Past Year

Hello post-coma friends. In order to catch you up to speed, here is a list of the 13 most notable things you should know since you ‘ve been under. Congrats on making your way back to us. Or not. You decide.

1. Donald Trump Is Our President

No you are not in some coma induced limbo-fugue state. It happened.

2. Pok ‘mon Is Cool Again

In July of 2016 the Pok ‘mon Go app took the world by storm. Granting everyone ‘s childhood dream of being as nerdy as Ash Ketchum by way of AR.

3. Rock N ‘ Roll Is Officially Dead

Prince: DeadBowie: Dead3 Doors Down: Now our best living rock band.

4. Pok ‘mon Is Uncool Again


5. People Are Really Mad

See number 1.

6. 2016 Was The Hottest Year On Record

‘But that ‘s what they were saying before I got in this dang coma!! ‘ Yeah, and guess what? 2017 is going to be even hotter.

7. Masterclass Turned Our Last Auteurs Into Sell Outs

For only 90 bucks you can watch David Lynch smeagol into the camera and never say the words ‘master shot ‘ once.

8. Google And Levis Are Creating ‘Smart Denim ‘

That coma is sounding pretty great right about now, isn ‘t it?

9. Influencers Have Doubled Down On Rapey Content

If there isn ‘t a high-speed ass-slap or a skit about a handsy, male, women ‘s dating coach with an 8-pack, then three emoji thumbs down.

10. We Are In A Golden Age Of Ice Cream

‘One day we will live in a world where the best ice cream can be bought at Target. ‘ – Allan Lichtman

11. Racism Has Gone Viral

See number 1 again. Also because Neo-Nazis ‘

12. Fidget Spinners

By day, a toy to help children focus. By night, a conspiracy made by the government to control the minds of a bunch of sad adults.

13. Donald Trump May Or May Not Be Having Submissive Sexual Relations With Vladimir Putin And It May Or May Not Lead To Him Getting Impeached

Omitted by the U.S. Government

13. President Trump Is DEFINITELY NOT Having Submissive Sexual Relations With Vlady Putin. President Trump Is A Feral Beast In A Stable Full Of Cucks. You All Are The Submissive Ones!

Admitted by the U.S. Government

Similar Posts