Healthy Relationship Advice From A Real Doctor

Q: I can ‘t seem to catch a break or a second date. I need your advice because clearly my dating game is WACK. ‘ ForeverAlone

Dear Forever Alone,
The best way to handle a first date is to simply be yourself as long as yourself entails being a sane and respectable individual who looks attractive at all times. That ‘s all there is to it!

Q: What does having sex feel like? ‘ Miss V

Dear Miss V,
It ‘s sort of like masturbating except everything feels a little off and not as good but you ‘re too polite to mention anything so you lie there uncomfortably until it ‘s over and you can focus more fully on the unavoidable pregnancy anxiety that will plague you until you eventually breakdown, drain your savings, and buy that Plan-B. But, BELIEVE ME, that almost-orgasm is totally worth it!

Q: I ‘m a 30 year old woman who has YET to be in a serious relationship ‘but not for lack of trying. Is something wrong with me? ‘ Undateable or maybe Unlovable ‘?

Dear Unloveable,
Yes, there is likely something wrong with you. Try to pinpoint what it is so you can change that aspect of yourself ASAP and hopefully become more bearable to potential suitors. You can thank me later! 😉

Q: Pretty sure I ‘m addicted to porn – unless 6+ hours is an okay amount to watch per day? ‘ MyDickHurts

Dear MyDickHurts,
Sounds A-Okay to me! Just as long as the porn of choice is standard stuff and not some weird subcategory involving, like, ISIS and donkeys. And remember, vaseline is your friend!

Q: I ‘m a 16 year old high school girl. How do I get my crush to notice me? ‘ A Perk-less Wallflower

Dear Perk-less Wallflower,
Wear super bright colors and crazy patterns and make sure you ‘re within his line of vision whenever possible! Shouting and whistling loudly in his general direction could also work. If all else fails, offer him your virginity via text message ‘NEXT! (really crushing this shit today I mean damn)

Q: What ‘s your go-to, no-fail flirting move? I need to step my game up! ‘ FlirtlessMess

Dear FlirtlessMess,
I ‘m about to bless you with a flirting maneuver that will instantly make you the Belle of the Ball ‘er ‘Bar. Talk in a cute whiny baby voice! Really get into character, suck your thumb, pout, stomp your feet, sob, and shit that diaper. Trust me, normal adult men will think it ‘s ADORABLE. They ‘ll find themselves INCAPABLE of resisting your sweet baby-like charm! So be sure to have a spare diaper stashed away in your purse ‘ you ‘re gonna need it!

Q: Been loving your advice lately ‘are you single ‘? ‘ YourPotentialBoo

Dear YourPotentialBoo,
Hmm ‘I ‘d be lying if I said I ‘m not blushing as I write this ‘before I give you my private email, there ‘s just one thing you should know about me: I ‘m fucking batshit crazy and will destroy you in every sense of the word. Also, I ‘m vegan. Now that that ‘s settled ‘your place or mine? 😉