By: Mike Glazer
The 11 Holy Hell Moments From ‘American Gods’ S01E05 “Lemon Scented You”
SPOILERS, BUT FIRST CHARITY!
It has been an incredible week for American Gods author Neil Gaiman, and his friend and fellow author Sara Benincasa. If they raise $500,000 for refugees Neil will read the entire Cheesecake Factory menu LIVE. Have you seen their menu? It ‘s massive. That ‘s over 2,904 hours of Neil ‘s luscious British accent reading words like, ‘panini ‘, ‘tiramisu ‘, and ‘$17.99 ‘!
NOTHING is better than this. NOTHING. If everyone in the (Mr.) World donates $5 a legendary charity event will happen and Earth will be a better place. LINK
\#1 God Is Dead And It ‘s All Your Fault
The God Nunnyunnini is dead (pronounced: nun-gnu-ninny) because you ‘ve never heard of it. Without worshippers it ‘s more forgotten then Kevin McCallister on Christmas. This is exactly what Mr. Wednesday is fighting against – his own demise – because if he was the days of the week: We like Wednesday , but we worship Friday.
\#2 Pillows! The Ultimate In Reality Detection
Shadow Moon has been through the ringer. He ‘s beaten up Gods, been lynched by others, and even conjured snow . It ‘s enough to make any man throw a pillow at his dead wife ‘s face to double check his sanity. Honestly, I ‘m surprised it was just a pillow. If it was me I would ‘ve also yelled at such a loud high pitch dog whistles would get jealous.
\#3 Mr. Wednesday Talks Raven
In episode 1 Mr. Wednesday said he has only two talents, ‘I can sleep anywhere anytime, and I usually end up getting what I want. ‘ You should consider tacking on a third talent Mr W., talking to goddamn ravens. That seems like something most people would consider unique, more so than falling asleep. That ‘s not a talent, that ‘s narcolepsy.
Also, this hotel staff would be SO confused when they read other guest ‘s YELP reviews.
\#4 Lips So Electric They ‘re Defibrillator Paddles
Low key, this is the best necrophilia scene I ‘ve ever watched. It grabs top spot from the movie Brazil because Shadow and Laura prove that love conquers all, even death. ALSO, if their kiss has enough electricity to restart her heart if they have sex she ‘s gonna come back to life looking like Bride of Frankenstein.
\#5 OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG (catches breath) OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
This is an alien enthusiast ‘s full circle wet dream. I loved Gillian ‘s X-Files character Dana Scully, she searched for aliens while seeking the truth. NOW Gillian ‘s playing David Bowie, an alien who simply is the truth. Sometimes life is perfect.
If you were to tell me I ‘d spend Memorial Day weekend geeking out over David Bowie arguing with Technical Boy AKA the embodiment of Favs I ‘d have said ‘
\#6 A Cross Dissolve Reveals Shadow ‘s Role In Wednesday ‘s Plan
Shout out to Stephen Philipson for editing a great episode.
As David Bowie (The God named Media) fades away like stardust he warns Technical Boy that all Mr. Wednesday needs to gain power is one believer.
CUE STEPHEN ‘S CROSS DISSOLVE!
BOOM! That ‘s why Wednesday wanted Shadow to have a drink at the hotel. He was scared Laura would steal Shadow (his one believer) away from him, and if Shadow goes ‘so does Wednesday ‘s plan. Damn, Stephen you smooth.
\#7 Wednesday, Why Are You Robbing Banks Instead Of Doing A Las Vegas Show?
Detective Buffer (#GoodLastNameJokeAboutTechnology) should fire whoever frisked Wednesday before putting him in that room. He has a locksmith up his sleeve!
Wednesday, I now count four talents, not two. Enough with the ‘sleeping anywhere is a talent ‘ bullshit. Asking spiders to unlock handcuffs is WAY more impressive than being able to catch some zzzzz ‘s on a roller coaster.
Stop being humble about your Dr. Dolittle abilities, and start charging people to see these feats. You wouldn ‘t have to rob banks if you set up shop as ‘Mr. Wednesday ‘s Animal Emporium ‘, and put on a dynamite show. My pitch for your grand finale is choosing someone from the audience for an homage to Milhouse ‘s mouth filling up with rats.
\#8 Flawless Victory vs America ‘s Funniest Home Videos
I ‘m worried about Mad Sweeney. He has such awful luck it ‘s only a matter of time before it kills him. Laura Moon is invincible like Super Mario after touching a Super Star, so when Mad Sweeney tries to alpha her into giving back his lucky coin she treats him like a Goomba, and squashes him flat.
Finally, in a stroke of good luck he escapes from the back of police car, but not before crunching his nuts in what can only be described as a guaranteed $10,000 winner on America ‘s Funniest Home Videos.
\#9 Mr. World Is Humanities Ultimate Apple Cloud
Mr. World has limitless wisdom, is fueled by paranoia, and knows your deepest secrets ‘he ‘s the Apple Cloud personified. It ‘s no accident that his introduction is preceded by Marilyn Monroe (AKA Media, David Bowie, Lucy Ricardo, Gillian Anderson, Dana Scully) spouting conspiracy theories about her death.
He ‘s Big Brother. Big Mother. He probably killed Biggie.
He ‘s also leader of the new Gods which makes him Wednesday ‘s most formidable enemy. When these two eventually battle it ‘ll be like watching Hulk Hogan vs Ultimate Warrior.
BUT BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT ‘ Mr. World fails to make a merger with Wednesday because his offer feels falser than stock footage of adults making a business deal.
\#9 Fluff & Fold
Mr. World, Media, and Technical Boy try to swindle Wednesday into forgoing his upcoming war in return for a missile baring his name, world wide recognition, and a fresh start as part of their team.
BUT Wednesday sees right through their fluff, and refuses to fold. So, they leave, but not before Mr. World says ‘
‘and folding up a cop like a pretzel chandelier.
\#10 Trees Hate Shadow Moon
This tree is the God Yggdrasil, and like all trees it wants to kill Shadow. He ‘s been hung from a tree branch, now a tree branch is trying to squeeze him. I will shit my pants (not the ones I ‘m wearing ‘I ‘ll hunch over some laying on my bedroom floor) if this isn ‘t the same tree from his recurring dream of The Bone Orchard.
#11 Death Is No Vacation For Laura
Laura busts out of the morgue to go find Shadow. Before leaving she breathes on a mirror trying to fog it up, but it won ‘t. She wants to feel something, but feels nothing. She ‘s literally the lifeless corpse she felt like when she was alive ‘and she ‘s starting to be over it.
The only question that remains is: Will her and Shadow ‘s love bring her back to life, or will Anubis send her to the darkness?
That ‘s It For This Episode But Seriously
Throw a few dollars to refugees and enjoy Neil ‘s satin voice saying ‘Toasted Marshmallows S'mores Galore. ‘#NeilCake