By: Brian Boone

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All 13 Ways Babies Are Made, Ranked

People make babies in all kinds of ways these days. But are any of them better than any others? Yes. Of course. Here is every known method of human procreation, ranked from worst to first.


If you tell the universe you really want a baby and make a vision board with exactly nine pictures of a baby on it, a baby will show up nine months later in a bassinet in your house.

12. Mixological magic

When you go to that cool new place in the hip neighborhood and a bowtie-wearing bartender takes artisanal small batch Anaheim pepper-infused gin, homemade bitters, sparkling water, a lime wedge, and six pounds of meat that has been blessed, places it in a martini glass, and charges you $13.50.

11. Kal-eling

When a planet is about to explode, and its best baby is sent on a tiny, tiny rocket-ship and it crashes in Iowa.

10. The thing that grown-ups do

When Mommies and Daddies love each other very much, and then something happens and all of a sudden you have to share a bedroom.

9. Welling

Not too many people do it anymore, but there was that weird fad back in the ’80s where people would find an old, abandoned well and just pull a baby named Jessica out of it.

8. Storks

When a stork brings the baby.

7. Fertility Shrubs

When all the nuns in a convent get together and recite The Latin Baby Chant over their convent ‘s ancient Fertility Shrub until a baby starts to fruit.

6. Socking

When a sock with old semen on it falls out of a garbage truck, rolls down a grassy hill, and rests at the foot of an old, mossy tree, and the DNA from the semen sock combines with the DNA of the old, mossy tree.

5. Something with computers

They do everything with the computers these days.

4. Wizards

When you ask a wizard for one of their babies. They always seem to have extra babies.

3. The blood shaman

When a licensed shaman takes the blood of an already-pregnant goat and rubs it on the belly of the woman who wants to be pregnant during a half moon.

2. Swamp sludge

When a married couple eats the right kind of swamp sludge at the same time, it makes a baby happen, guaranteed.

1. Fuckin ‘ with no rubber on

When the penis goes into the vagina. You just can ‘t mess with a classic!

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