By: Jon Plester
To Whom It May Concern,
On behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union, I wanted to thank you for your recent donation. The vital work of defending reproductive freedom, the right to protest, fighting anti-LGBTQ discrimination, and advocating for expanded privacy protections depends on the support of people like you.Unfortunately, I ‘m writing to inform you that, however generous your donation may be, we cannot accept it, as it is in the form of a giant novelty check. I ‘ve been informed by our lawyers that comically large novelty checks can not legally be cashed by our bank, or any bank for that matter.
Our country is counting on us to stand up to Donald Trump and anyone else who tries to advance unconstitutional assaults on our rights. We require your support more than ever. But unfortunately, we also require that our donors be the sole signer on the payment and it appears that your check was originally made out to ‘Lil ‘ Timmy Donaldson ‘ with the memo line stating the check is for ‘being so brave while stuck on that weather balloon ‘. A single, sharpie line through the recipient ‘s name as well as the memo line is not a valid redaction, in fact it renders the check void. Regardless of whether or not the check is sponsored by Powerade, Doritos, and Class A South Atlantic League baseball team the Lakewood Blueclaws. We believe you somehow stole this check from ‘Lil ‘ Timmy ‘, and that concerns us.
Furthermore, we can only accept checks that are addressed to the ACLU or the American Civil Liberties Union. We appreciate your faith in us to fight for the rights of individuals guaranteed by the Constitution and laws of the United States, but we will be unable to accept your check as it is made out to the ‘Good Guys ‘ in order to ‘Fuck Shit Up ‘. Also, when writing your signature, please sign your legal name. Writing ‘Love, Frank ‘ is very kind, but we would much rather have your legal signature on the check.
As well, we would prefer that you send a check that has not been manipulated in any way. The one you sent was covered in powdered sugar, candle wax, glitter, and what appeared to be dried blood, smelled of gasoline, and was on fire when we received it. We have surmised that there was no intention for it to be on fire, but the fire occurred due to the number of patriotic sparklers taped to the check.
Concerning the delivery of the check, you may send any further donations to us by mail. We would prefer that you send donations to us using these facilities, rather than launching them through our office window while on fire. This is not the most convenient way for us to receive your donation.
Regardless, we appreciate your generous contribution. Support from people like you will be an enormous asset in fighting unconstitutional assaults on our rights, as well as repairing our office from the damage it has incurred due to recent enthusiastic donations.
The American Civil Liberties Union