By: Brandon Gulya

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Sean Spicer Has Been Eating the Same Apple For Weeks and It’s Driving Me Insane

I will not reveal my identity. But I am a member of President Trump ‘s staff and there is something I need to get off my chest. Sean Spicer has been eating the same apple for weeks and it ‘s driving me insane.

That ‘s right. Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Same apple. For at least two weeks now.

The first time I noticed it, I thought it was coincidence. I thought it had to have been a different apple. But it ‘s not. It ‘s definitely the same apple. He ‘ll walk around holding it, like it ‘s normal. Gesturing with it. Every now and then he ‘ll take a bite out of it. And then he just puts it down on his desk and leaves it there. He LEAVES IT THERE on his desk while he works. Sometimes this man will go hours without even eating the apple. And then way later, he ‘ll pick up the apple and take another bite.

No one else is talking about it. I ‘ve tried to make eye contact with other people, just to see if anyone else realizes how weird this is. But none of them seem to. I mean, that ‘s weird right?! You ‘re not supposed to just keep eating the SAME apple day, after day, after day. Why doesn ‘t he throw the apple away?! Why doesn ‘t he get a new apple? And he never acknowledges what he ‘s doing.

He takes the apple to meetings. And uses it to gesticulate what he ‘s saying. One time, I swear to God I saw him scratch his head with it. I swear to God that happened. And I gave him this look like ‘What the fuck- ‘, but he didn ‘t notice it. So I kept staring at him and he kept not noticing. Then he said ‘Well, you ‘re obviously distracted about something, so we can get your update later. ‘ And EVERYONE IN THE ROOM laughed at me. THE PRESIDENT LAUGHED AT ME. Like I was the weird one! But, he ‘s being weird right?! I need someone to tell me that he ‘s the one being weird because I ‘m losing my mind about this apple.

The only time anyone else acknowledges the existence of this apple- the ONLY time- is when the interns are preparing him for his press briefings, one of them will hand him his notes, then another will fix his tie, and then another one will take the apple from him to hold while he takes the podium. LIKE THAT ‘S ORDINARY. Like it ‘s just part of the routine.

Yesterday I was talking to another member of the staff. And we were talking about some very important things. I mean, the country is kind of a mess right now. But, in the middle of it, I said ‘Hey ‘so what ‘s the deal with that apple? ‘ And he stared at me blankly. So I said ‘Sean Spicer ‘s apple. ‘ And he STILL looked confused. So I said ‘The one he ‘s been eating for weeks now. ‘ And he shrugged and said ‘I haven ‘t noticed. ‘ And we went back to talking. HOW COULD HE NOT NOTICE. IT ‘S INSANE.

One time- and once again, I promise this is real- he needed to go on television and no one was around to take the apple from him. I saw him look around for a moment. Then he reached up and placed the apple on one of the blades of a ceiling fan. And he LEFT IT THERE. I watched that apple spin and spin around for 45 minutes while Sean Spicer was on TV. Then, when the press conference was over, he walked past it while talking to two staffers, and he reached up and took the apple. Nonchalantly. And neither of those two people were even phased.

The apple is only half finished. Are you listening to me? THE APPLE IS ONLY HALF FINISHED. I am really, really afraid I ‘m going to lose my mind before he finishes this apple. And then what will he do next?! Will he get a new apple and start this process all over again?! Does he always do this, or is this a one time occurrence? I have so many questions and I ‘m not allowed to ask anyone.

So, if you ‘re reading this, I know there are a lot of more important things going on with this administration. You ‘re likely mad about a lot of them and rightfully so. So I don ‘t expect this to suddenly become the focus. But I just needed to put this out there so people know. So SOMEONE knows. That Sean Spicer has been eating the same apple for weeks and it ‘s driving me insane.

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