Your best friend confides in you a really messed-up secret. How do you respond?
Here’s a secret: hell came to earth, everything here is messed up. I can’t hear him over the sound of people shooting at me! That’s normal buddy. I, too, have had a wet dream about your sister. An exclusive!
After years of separation the love of your life returns to town, pissed off. What do you do?
Blow her away. That temper is worse than any demon. Give her that classic chillout pack: a dime bag of Girl Scout Cookies and a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Try to not jizz my pants that a girl is talking to me. Sleep with her one last time. Tomorrow I’ll have my doorman ban her from the building
Someone tells you God doesn’t exist. You say:
No shit Sherlock. I’ve seen him; he’s the guy that created sour diesel. Then who have I been praying to to lose my virginity? Yes I do.
You have found yourself in the possession of an awesome new power that makes anyone do what you want. What is the first thing you do?
SLEEP. Call my dealer. Head to the liquor store. I’d say “get girls to sleep with me” but that sounds rapey. I already have this. It’s called a network television show.
What is a typical Saturday night for you?
I’ve lost track of what day it is but at night I usually cower in exhausted fear. *30 second bong rip* Trying to get booze with a fake ID. Failing to get booze with a fake ID. Making love to a model while my show plays in the background.
A very wealthy man decided he wants your house and is at your doorstep to force you to sign it over. What do you do?
Money has been worthless since the devil ate the fed so who cares? Let him have it then call the FBI. There are so many drugs taped in those walls. Make a deal; he can have the house if he buys you beer until you’re 21. Call my buddy Kim Jong-Un, he’ll send some North Korean military types to “handle it.”
Your dad is about to die. What is the last thing you say to him?
You’re going to a better place. Seriously, any place is better than here. IAMREALLYHIGHTHISISFREAKINGMEOUT I wish you could have seen me graduate. Or lose my virginity. Why didn’t you pay enough attention to me daddy?
You’re in a boring relationship and you want to break up. What do you do?
Keep leaving her behind after a demon attack and hope she takes the hint. Talk it out over a blunt. I have no clue what it’s like to be in a relationship, let alone a boring one. Sleep with her one last time. Tomorrow I’ll have my doorman ban her from the building.
You find out that your child’s bus driver is a registered sex offender. How do you react?
Makes sense. Plant drugs on him and call the cops. I know a thing or two about frame jobs. If I have a kid it means I had sex, right? An expose about the sex trafficking industry on America’s school buses. And therapy for the kid, I guess.
You and your two best friends are about to go on an epic road trip. Where is your first stop?
Everywhere is Hell now so I guess another part of hell. My dealer’s house. Drug store for as many condoms as we can afford. Wherever it says on my call sheet.
