By: Alex Pearson
Dear Fellow Cabinet Members,
We have a bit of a situation. It looks like this year ‘s NBA champs are not going to be visiting the White House. I know how disappointed we all are. (I may be no fan of the Golden State, but I do like the cut of that Chris Mullin ‘s jib.) But even worse, POTUS is not going to be happy about this at all, and he ‘s already been pretty cranky lately. He could really use this event.
So here ‘s the plan: We keep the ceremony on the agenda as scheduled. When it ‘s time to meet the team, I need all of you to file in the room wearing Golden State Warriors jerseys. Before the big guy can ask any questions, we hand him a short speech about how he ‘s the greatest president in the history of basketball.
After five minutes of sustained applause, we go around the room, and each of you tell him to his face that he ‘s the greatest thing that has ever happened to you, the country, and humanity. Please use basketball puns generously to keep in the spirit of the originally planned event. However, I would prefer we not reference slam dunks in describing POTUS ‘s achievements, as I find them too flashy.
For the photo opportunity, we will have Melania bring out a giant glowing basketball for him to lay his hands upon. He seems to do well in this type of situation. Next, we will award him his own NBA championship trophy and hold another five-minute standing ovation.
Then, if I know the president, he will probably want to name Ben Carson the new Secretary of Basketball. Once he ‘s finished with that, we return him to the couch so he can watch Fox & Friends tell him how successful the event was.
Let ‘s go team!