27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #89

Why do I feel like shit whenever I eat pizza? Am I not eating enough pizzas

‘ Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) June 10, 2017

Jared Kushner looks like one of the students who didn't stand on their desk at the end of Dead Poet's Society

‘ Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 20, 2017

Magician: Think of card.
Me: Got one.
Magician: It's the 3 of hearts.
Me: No. A father's day card because-
Magician: Please leave the stage.

‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) June 18, 2017

Arugula is my favorite vegetable who's name also sounds like an old timey car horn.

‘ Future Ghost (@subtle_pretext) June 13, 2017

Money needs to be like UNO: $1-9 bills, a wild bill that can be any amount and a dollar that can stop someone from buyin something u want

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) June 14, 2017

Next time I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

‘ bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 16, 2017

My last will and testament just reads, “Damn it kids! I told you not to let me forget to get this done.”

‘ Darlin ‘ Darla (@Darlainky) June 20, 2017

How many movies are actually kung-fu movies, but we don't know it because the characters never have to use it?

‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) June 21, 2017

Spelling Bee
Judge: Your word is 'cliffhanger'
Me: C-L-I-F-F-H-
*I hesitate*
[to be continued]

‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) June 18, 2017

You can tell a lot by a guy's teeth.
For instance, if they're three feet long, that's no man; that's a hippo.

‘ schmox (@IvoryGazelle) May 26, 2017

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime

‘ Jaz (@jazmasta) June 20, 2017

Jazz: When All Of The Instruments Cum On Each Other

‘ Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 15, 2017

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

‘ Abam (@AdamBroud) June 16, 2017

i just wanna get HIGH

H- have respect for women
I- inform peers about social issues
G- get high
H- help save the whales

‘ rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) June 17, 2017

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 19, 2017

REPORTER: how do you know his true identity?
ME: i called peter parker a 'fucking square' and 20 minutes later spider-man kicked my head in

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) June 20, 2017

Fact! This is what they called boobs in the 1920s! pic.twitter.com/6wxlN4Flld

‘ Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) June 19, 2017

I know divorce is hard, Darren. Almost as hard as drawing hands. But I'll tell you what helped me the most. Make everyone holding swords.

‘ vladchoc (@vladchoc) June 17, 2017

Ever see a random shoe in the road? My grandpa invented that. One day he took of his shoe, put it in the road and said “this is a thing now”

‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) April 9, 2017

my nephew is sick and we are raising $5000 so i can backpack across europe, too depressing to stay here next to this sick kid

‘ derek (@eedrk) June 2, 2017

My personality mainly consists of the different ways I like to eat potatoes

‘ Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) June 19, 2017

I gave my dad Axe body spray for Father's day last year and now I have like 6 new moms

‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) June 17, 2017

My sex life is like a 1997 Honda Civic. I had one briefly in 2009. I got it on Craigslist for $250

‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 21, 2017

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

‘ madds (@whatmaddness) June 15, 2017