By: Ryan Haney
In an attempt to build a little buzz for their newest menu addition, KFC is trying to send a Zinger Chicken Sandwich into space. Putting a hand-breaded cutlet into the stratosphere may seem like a strange way to sell fast-food, but Funny or Die recently obtained an email correspondence between the marketing team at KFC that sheds a little light on how this promo ended up being so out of this world.
OK, gang. The brass wants us to drum up a little buzz for KFC ‘s new spicy Zinger sandwich. Whaddya got?
When I hear ‘spicy, ‘ I think ‘sexy ‘ right? Just spit ballin ‘ here, but what about a 30 second spot like this ‘
A BUSINESS WOMAN (very woke) comes home and opens the door to the bedroom. HER HUSBAND is sitting up in bed, covered in sweat, scrambling to hide his naked body with the sheets.
HUSBAND: Honey! I didn ‘t think you ‘d be home so soon!
BUSINESSWOMAN sees husband ‘s eyes flick to the closet. BUSINESS WOMAN, filled with rage, pulls out a gun and fires three rounds through the closet door. As the dust settles, the door slowly swings open to reveal ‘ a half-finished ZINGER!
HUSBAND: You said you wanted to spice things up in the bedroom ‘
BUSINESS WOMAN and HUSBAND (and ZINGER?) all laugh.
OK ‘ Funny stuff. Might be a little ‘R-Rated ‘ for this campaign, but a really nice start. Let ‘s keep it rolling. What else we got?
Here ‘s something that ‘s a little more family friendly. Just doing a little ideating here, so bare with me ‘
We open on the TITANIC. Some stuffy OLD ENGLISH WOMAN is holding her tiny dog, BIDDLES, and talking to the CAPTAIN in the Crows Nest or Steering Den or whatever the hell it ‘s called.
OLD ENGLISH WOMAN: But Captain! We ‘re moving awfully slow and I promised Biddles that we ‘d be in New York for his birthday.
BIDDLES: Bark bark!
CAPTAIN: Anything for the birthday boy!
CAPTAIN picks up the phone or the radio or the telegraph or whatever the hell it is and calls down to the Boiler Room.
CAPTAIN: Full steam ahead!
We cut to the boiler room. Two CREW GUYS look at each other, an empty coal bin, and back at each other. Then, CREW GUY 1 snaps his fingers, pulls out A ZINGER, and throws it into the furnace. The furnace EXPLODES! We see FLAMES shoot out of the smokestacks! The whole Titanic rears back like a speedboat and then zooms straight into an ICEBERG.
ICEBERG: Hey! At least buy a guy a Zinger first!
EVERYONE ABOARD THE TITANIC laughs as the ship slowly sinks into the freezing arctic waters.
Love the effort here. Don ‘t really consider the sinking of the Titanic or a talking iceberg making a sex joke ‘family friendly. ‘
Let ‘s keep it simple, guys. Spicy. Chicken. Sandwich. Hit me with it.
Hear ya loud and clear, boss. Think I ‘ve got the answer right here ‘
We open on HELL. SATAN stands on a tower of brimstone and addresses his ARMY OF DEMONS.
SATAN: Long ago, Jesus, the only Son of God, was born of the Virgin Mary for the salvation of all mankind. Now, I have sowed the embers of my seed in the shadows of Hell and ripped mine own child from the fiery womb of SUFFERING. I shall send the flaming fruit of my loins to Earth so that he may capture the souls of every man, woman, and in child in a prison of fire and 11 Secret Herbs And Spices. Bow, ye forsaken, before my unholy and aggressively-seasoned offspring ‘ THE ZINGER!
SATAN steps aside to reveal THE ZINGER seated on a throne of Flame.
SATAN: Darkness shall swallow all of God ‘s creation!
DEMONS, SATAN, and ZINGER all laugh.
Hate to pull the brakes on this brain train, but we ‘re not going to declare that the Zinger is the spawn of Satan.
Maybe let ‘s move away from commercials and think maybe viral marketing? Social media stunt?
Love a good social media stunt. So, ‘spicy ‘ makes me think ‘hot head, ‘ right? Tempers flaring. Scores that need to be settled.
What if we stage a old time cowboy duel between the Zinger and a Big Mac? We build up a lot of hype around it, livestream it at ‘high noon ‘ and then all of America watches as the Zinger shoots the Big Mac with a gun.
Guess I should have said this up top, but let ‘s take it easy on the gun play. Shooting our competitor ‘s product with a gun is out of the question.
So we ditch the Big Mac and have the Zinger shoot a gun at a regular man? I don ‘t think I follow.
Or are you saying that you want a regular man to shoot the sandwich with a gun? Doesn ‘t really make my stomach growl ‘
Really getting stuck on the gun stuff here, guys. Don ‘t be afraid to think big. No idea is too wild! Go nuts!
I mean, this is pie in the sky, but what if drilled a hole into the center of the Earth and dropped the Zinger straight down to Hell so it could reunite with its father, the Devil himself?
Thought I made myself clear earlier, but please stop saying that the sandwich is Satan ‘s son.
Just kinda jumping off that last pitch here, but how about we send the Zinger to space?
OK! Yes! I ‘m liking this! Big! Bold! Retro!
And we say that sandwich is going to space so it can be as close to Heaven as possible when we try to shoot God, the immortal enemy of delicious, spicy sandwiches, with the gun with give it!
Were not shooting God. We ‘re just gonna do the space thing.