By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are closer than they appear.
I never know what to do with my hands when I'm driving.
‘ Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) June 25, 2017
looking for a new house but everything in my price range is haunted
‘ bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 26, 2017
The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
‘ schmox (@IvoryGazelle) June 23, 2017
[Adopting a dog] Get ready to get pointed at a lot when I listen to music
‘ Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) June 26, 2017
Facebook “happy birthday” translations:
To high school pal: Almost forgot you exist
To ex: Remember me? I'm amazing
To industry pal: Hire me
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 24, 2017
-long walks on the beach
-ok maybe short beach walks
-walking in sand is hard. Street walks I guess
-walking is overrated
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) June 26, 2017
FORTUNE TELLER: please stop doing that
ME: (eating all the death cards)
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) June 15, 2017
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
‘ grimes ‘s boyfriend (@AbrasiveGhost) June 21, 2017
We had the kind of love that spanned across two user interfaces
‘ Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 17, 2017
If you go to any Sears, there is a 30% chance that it will go out of business while you are there.
‘ Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 25, 2017
USPS: if you pay us $8 we'll deliver your package safely
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance ‘ we PROMISE to deliver it safely
‘ the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) June 26, 2017
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I'd like to speak to your manager
‘ taco bell hooks (@ohpegah) January 11, 2017
[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?
‘ Brynnester (@brynnester) June 21, 2017
love that classic italian phrase ‘mamma mia’ which means ‘my mother is missing in action’
‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) June 24, 2017
I've been sitting here alone laughing at the idea of calling a fat goth “Buffet the Vampire Slayer” so maybe i really am a bully
‘ Jake Flores (@feraljokes) June 25, 2017
Since all my male friends got married, we never have any more “guys nights” where we break into the Met to steal ancient Egyptian artifacts.
‘ Seena Vali (@SeenaVali) June 20, 2017
Son, it's time we talked about the birds and the bees. Why are there so many dead ones under your bed? Has your urge to kill grown stronger?
‘ ghost mom (@radtoria) March 20, 2017
just to chime in on the pizza debate, pizza is a versatile base food that you can mix with just about anything if you're not a Flavor Coward
‘ Neil Cicierega (@neilcic) June 24, 2017
Kids, don't talk to strangers. The strangers do not want to hear it.
‘ Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 26, 2017
Meanwhile in sweltering Texas..
Me: *adjusts the ac to a cooler temp*
*phone rings. It's dad*
Me: *adjusts it back*
‘ Beatriz Paxwest2018 (@wittwitbarista) June 21, 2017
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
‘ duumb (@duumb) June 20, 2017
Al Franken: Senator from Minnesota
Alf Rankin': A blog where I rank episodes of Alf, the American sitcom starring everyone's favorite alien
‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) June 20, 2017
I'll say no to the dress I really don't give a shit.
‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) June 23, 2017
My runner's high usually kicks in around the fourth cigarette.
‘ Stab Ballsack Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 23, 2017
As I stare at the setting sun a tear rolls down my face. My son asks what’s wrong & I say to him “I was staring at the sun you dumb asshole”
‘ Sharky (@foodfacenow) June 27, 2017
Oh, so now I'm “bad” just because I've done bad things in the past, continue doing so in the present, and will likely do so in the future?
‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) June 26, 2017