By: Ryan Haney
Shocking New Features of Tesla’s First Mass-Market Car
This week, Elon Musk announced that production on Tesla ‘s first mass-market electric car, the Tesla 3, would begin on Friday. Experts say that this vehicle will ‘make or break ‘ the ambitious automaker, so let ‘s take a peek at all the features they ‘re packing into that little battery box!
- Accelerates from zero to sixty eventually
- Can travel 215 miles before you need to throw it away and buy a new one
- Nearly silent rear wheel electric motor
- One-touch power windows that are loud as fuck
- Battery recharges in under 10 minutes once you get a good pace going on the human-sized hamster wheel
- Self-driving hardware automatically runs over roadside drifters
- Premium audio system equipped with AM/FM/HD radio and a recording of Elon Musk singing Styx ‘s ‘Mr. Roboto ‘
- A 5 Star Safety Rating that ‘s practically begging you to try and crash this fucker
- 10 different airbags, all of which can be partially deployed for napping
- Touchscreen display provides turn-by-turn directions to any Hometown Buffet in the continental US
- Comfortably seats five man-spreading adults
- Twelve-way power adjustable heated driver seat with available power adjustable catheter
- High definition backup camera with built-in Snapchat filters
- Available for $35,000 before tax incentives and bartering of exotic spices
