By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are as real as it gets.
When a man tells me he's looking for a 'real woman' I scurry away because I'm actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN'T FIND OUT.
‘ Aimee (@Mimiification) July 1, 2017
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
‘ Angie B (@Angibangie) July 3, 2017
[invited to a wedding]
“ok 6 months to lose 30lbs”
(2 months later)
“4 months to lose 35lbs”
(4 months later)
“I have 8 hours to lose 40lbs”
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 5, 2017
me: how can peggy even be a nickname for margaret?
gf: you know your friend john who everybody calls jack?
me: oh yeah
gf: i slept with him
‘ duumb (@duumb) June 22, 2017
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
‘ dead phteven (@PhuckinCody) May 8, 2017
Sometimes you meet someone and you can just tell they went to five proms
‘ Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) July 1, 2017
“She might look like Naomi Watts but maybe not. That's all I remember.” -me describing Sienna Miller to a police sketch artist
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 6, 2017
Mouthwash is just boneless toothpaste
‘ jd (@jdthenigga) July 6, 2017
I know it's so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) July 2, 2017
I NEED TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE SAID I COULD SAVE MONEY BRINGIN LUNCH TO WORK ITS 9:43 I ATE THE LUNCH NOW I HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER LUNCH FOR LUNCH pic.twitter.com/hKd6p2AaiA
‘ beth mccoll (@imteddybless) July 3, 2017
somethin kinda neat i found out ‘if you ignore a problem for long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. so 50/50. pretty good odds.
‘ bobby (@bobby) July 6, 2017
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
‘ Flora underscore underscore Flora (@Flora__Flora) June 29, 2017
Like every single person always says, dare to be different.
‘ Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 6, 2017
i dropped a total of 23 pounds and 4 ounces over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward
‘ your new dad (@G_Faylor) June 19, 2017
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it'll roll, idiot
‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) June 28, 2017
“They had ROCKETS?!”
– me, every time I hear The Star-Bangled Banner
‘ Just Bill (@WilliamAder) July 4, 2017
It's very hot are you eating enough potato salad
‘ damage simpson (@hellohappy_time) June 22, 2017
love how 300 years ago my fav song would be, like, a solitary bell i once heard
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) July 3, 2017
100% of the questions on Parent Jeopardy would have this answer:
What is, “I want a snack”?
‘ ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) June 30, 2017
Weird how Adele keeps naming her albums after how many traffic tickets I have
‘ Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) July 5, 2017
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there's a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) June 27, 2017
My bed is from IKEA so I don't make love I fu ‘k
‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) June 29, 2017
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.
‘ Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2017
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd whack 69 in there so people can have a lil chuckle along the way
‘ Deirdre (@figgled) July 6, 2017
*we both reach for the popcorn at the same time*
*our fingers touch*
ME: *slowly turns to her* get the fuck off my popcorn
‘ The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) December 2, 2016
ME: Is there a Mrs. Mr. No More Mister Nice Guy?
ALICE COOPER: please give me my microphone back.
‘ Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) June 25, 2017
[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let's try a silly one
‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) July 5, 2017