By: Tom Rainey

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5 Other Animals That Unsuccessfully Waged a War For The Planet Before Apes


If there ‘s one thing you should know about rabbits, it ‘s that they ‘re a bunch of god-hating, cuddly killers. Upon learning that their image was being used to put forth the Catholic Church ‘s Easter message, these satanic rodents hopped to the streets in the masses. These adorable little assassins did their best to purge the human race, but ultimately failed when humans realized they were easily distracted by carrots and gentle rubs behind the ear . Silly rabbits, purges are for humans.


At the height of the ‘we use horse bones for glue ‘ epidemic, Black Beauty and her gang of Horrible Horses (their term, not ours) launched an unsuccessful attempt at taking back the planet. At the Battle of Bunker Horse, Secretariat led the Special Horses against the humans – Mama ‘s Little Lad and JunkInTheTrunk were also in the running for the position, but ultimately placed second and third. When defeat was imminent, Mr. Ed gave his famed, ‘Treat us like your Neigh-bor ‘ speech during negotiations.


Let ‘s get right to it – being a salmon fucking sucks! Life revolves around swimming upstream to your mating den, all while avoiding fishermen and bears along the way. If you ‘re able to survive the gauntlet of salmon sadist, your main task in the mating den is to ejaculate into gravel and die – YUP, that ‘s it! Given this, it ‘s no one wonder these flamingo fish started a small revolution back in 2007. Salmon claimed the lives of 12 men before getting cocky and starting a two front war with the grizzly bears. The revolt quickly ended and salmon went back to cumming on rocks.


If the pioneers learned anything while traveling the Oregon Trail, it was how to kill Buffalo. While little Annabelle was busy dying of dysentery, our 2nd amendment amigos were busy trading away all of their food for firearms. As the Buffalo Blitzkrieg reached a boiling point, the surviving animals joined forces to create the Out-Paws. These Buffalo Bandits massacred hundreds of settlers before some flamboyant, Confederate general gunned them down in his giant, metallic spider.


The battle between man and dinosaur started way before the newly hot guy from Parks and Recreation starting racing velociraptors on motorcycles. The history books will tell you that dinosaurs were wiped out by some dumb meteor; I ‘m here to tell you that advanced dinosaurs created nuclear weapons 65 millions years ago to kill cavemen. During a routine test, a T-Rex accidentally launched every nuclear weapon on the planet because his tiny arms couldn ‘t hit the abort button.

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