By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #94
This week ‘s tweets have finally seen the light.
Do you guys think heaven always had iPads, or that they got em when we did?
‘ “Ian” Abramson (@ianabramson) July 19, 2017
Any place can become the scene of the murder if you ask me if I'm sure I'm ok one more fucking time.
‘ Bry (@brittwastaken) July 10, 2017
Apparently CAST AWAY was very difficult to shoot. Every time Tom Hanks would yell “Wilson” his wife would walk into frame & see if he was ok
‘ Paul Rust (@paulrust) July 18, 2017
GOOD COP: where were you last night
GOOD COP: come on talk up
DOG COP: gimme a few minutes alone with him
‘ Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) July 25, 2017
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
‘ Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 18, 2017
it's difficult being goth while jumping on a trampoline
‘ Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) July 2, 2017
You can fill a waterballoon with anything, it doesn't have to be water. It can be chocolate milk! 2% milk! Soy milk, even strawberry milk
‘ Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 25, 2017
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
‘ Mark Magark (@markedly) July 24, 2017
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke pic.twitter.com/o180oOeqye
‘ joey (@joeyz95) July 23, 2017
why do people get parrots ur just inviting nature's snitch into ur home
‘ crissy (@crissymilazzo) July 22, 2017
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
‘ damage simpson (@hellohappy_time) July 23, 2017
ME: Do you mind if I go ahead of you? My flight is in 15 minutes
MAN: This is a movie theater
ME: I know I know I'm taking a risk for sure
‘ Asher Perlman (@asherperlman) June 12, 2017
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I'm trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
‘ young bun (@eminmien) May 27, 2017
ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Interesting, and yet when I have a problem you are off in space nowhere to be found. Hmm.
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) July 24, 2017
How is Trump still president, am I not faving the right tweets!?
‘ Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) July 23, 2017
You think you know somebody and then your friend backs into a parking space
‘ Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) July 24, 2017
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can't kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it's the law diane
‘ FROVO (@fro_vo) July 24, 2017
Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn't recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.
‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) July 20, 2017
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
‘ Bread Savage (@papasuncle) July 23, 2017
moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with
‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 18, 2017
[Wolverine patiently waits for his gel nails while intently taking a quiz on “what superhero are you” on Buzzfeed]
‘ Janie Partially in a Basket (@AtticusFinch79) July 8, 2017
to make friends as an adult just walk up to a cool looking person and say “I must have you for my collection”
‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 7, 2017
my father was a christian missionary and i am an agnostic reverse cowgirl
‘ jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) July 23, 2017
INTERVIEWER: Wow, it says here that you're psychic?
ME: *grabs r ‘sum ‘* Ah, typo. That should be psycho. Just fuckin nuts.
‘ Floyd (@dafloydsta) July 25, 2017
Broken People – Nice Night
It’s important to be on the same page. Broken People web series now on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheseBrokenPeople
Bruce Willis Loves Being Interviewed
Being Bruce Willis isn’t always easy, so hiring a body double to take on his interviews only makes sense. Check Bruce out in his new film, Death Wish, in theaters March 2… At least we think it’s him.
No Activity – Season 2 Red Band Trailer
Even more cheese for us good little mouses. No Activity is back for Season 2!
Gay of Thrones S3 EP 5?? ?Recap: Fire is Giving Me Life, Hunty
Jonathan loves three things – leaving it on the floor, expert balayage and Game of Thrones. Watch every week as he lives for new episodes. Warning: The following video contains vague references and confusing plot analysis, which are not really spoilers.
The Alpha Team got a new recruit…