By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are full of tons of great time-saving tips.
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
‘ childish sadbino (@datassque) July 30, 2017
YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 30, 2017
This is what happens when you elect Bart instead of Lisa
‘ Glenn Boozan (@boozan) July 31, 2017
HER: I like guys who are self-aware
HIM: [trying to impress her] We're fictitious characters in a tweet
‘ Jeremy G (@JeremyCanadian) July 24, 2017
How did humans make both fargo & the emoji movie this is like if beavers also built cathedrals
‘ Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 31, 2017
my mother was giggling at this and told me to “take a look at that adorable dachshund, he's sleeping”, she was looking at a purse: pic.twitter.com/ZyNKaLMxKI
‘ Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) July 30, 2017
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 26, 2017
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't put a hat on it? It would look good in a hat
‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 2, 2017
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.
‘ your bff alex (@psybermonkey) July 26, 2017
M: [trying not to swear in front of kid] SON OF A BACKSTREET BOY
Kid: what's a backstreet boy?
M: are you fucking kidding me??!!
‘ damage simpson (@hellohappy_time) August 2, 2017
I just want to find a nice alibi to settle down with
‘ Deeks (@Adyaces) July 20, 2017
[the invention of knocking]
i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me
‘ elon benes (@themiltron) April 30, 2017
The first rule of Fight Club should really be some sort of age restriction.
‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) July 27, 2017
My circle of friends is a pizza.
‘ Marta Effing (@MartaEffing) July 28, 2017
ME: Actually, the phrase is “the proof of the pudding is in the eating.” Common misconception.
HIM: I literally didn't say anything.
‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) July 20, 2017
“The fake shark was famously extremely heavy, so it was left in the water during several boat scenes it was not in. It was during one of these times that an actual great white shark met the mechanical one and formed a romantic bond with it.”