27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #95

YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 30, 2017

---

This is what happens when you elect Bart instead of Lisa

‘ Glenn Boozan (@boozan) July 31, 2017

---

HER: I like guys who are self-aware
HIM: [trying to impress her] We're fictitious characters in a tweet

‘ Jeremy G (@JeremyCanadian) July 24, 2017

---

How did humans make both fargo & the emoji movie this is like if beavers also built cathedrals

‘ Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 31, 2017

---

my mother was giggling at this and told me to “take a look at that adorable dachshund, he's sleeping”, she was looking at a purse: pic.twitter.com/ZyNKaLMxKI

‘ Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) July 30, 2017

---

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 26, 2017

---

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't put a hat on it? It would look good in a hat

‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 2, 2017

---

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.

‘ your bff alex (@psybermonkey) July 26, 2017

---

M: [trying not to swear in front of kid] SON OF A BACKSTREET BOY

Kid: what's a backstreet boy?

M: are you fucking kidding me??!!

‘ damage simpson (@hellohappy_time) August 2, 2017

---

I just want to find a nice alibi to settle down with

‘ Deeks (@Adyaces) July 20, 2017

---

[the invention of knocking]

i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me

‘ elon benes (@themiltron) April 30, 2017

---

The first rule of Fight Club should really be some sort of age restriction.

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) July 27, 2017

---

My circle of friends is a pizza.

‘ Marta Effing (@MartaEffing) July 28, 2017

---

ME: Actually, the phrase is “the proof of the pudding is in the eating.” Common misconception.

HIM: I literally didn't say anything.

‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) July 20, 2017