27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #95

YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 30, 2017

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This is what happens when you elect Bart instead of Lisa

‘ Glenn Boozan (@boozan) July 31, 2017

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HER: I like guys who are self-aware
HIM: [trying to impress her] We're fictitious characters in a tweet

‘ Jeremy G (@JeremyCanadian) July 24, 2017

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How did humans make both fargo & the emoji movie this is like if beavers also built cathedrals

‘ Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 31, 2017

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my mother was giggling at this and told me to “take a look at that adorable dachshund, he's sleeping”, she was looking at a purse: pic.twitter.com/ZyNKaLMxKI

‘ Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) July 30, 2017

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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 26, 2017

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We can put a man on the moon, but we can't put a hat on it? It would look good in a hat

‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 2, 2017

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[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.

‘ your bff alex (@psybermonkey) July 26, 2017

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M: [trying not to swear in front of kid] SON OF A BACKSTREET BOY

Kid: what's a backstreet boy?

M: are you fucking kidding me??!!

‘ damage simpson (@hellohappy_time) August 2, 2017

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I just want to find a nice alibi to settle down with

‘ Deeks (@Adyaces) July 20, 2017

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[the invention of knocking]

i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me

‘ elon benes (@themiltron) April 30, 2017

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The first rule of Fight Club should really be some sort of age restriction.

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) July 27, 2017

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My circle of friends is a pizza.

‘ Marta Effing (@MartaEffing) July 28, 2017

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ME: Actually, the phrase is “the proof of the pudding is in the eating.” Common misconception.

HIM: I literally didn't say anything.

‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) July 20, 2017

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When someone lists mom in their phone contacts it's probably their mom not yours.

‘ danny (@Mardigroan) July 7, 2017

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I always keep my cool when using self-checkout machines because I want them to vouch for me as an ally during the robot uprising

‘ Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) June 20, 2017

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i miss the old days of the internet when men shoveled 17 tons of coal into a modem everyday so i could see one grainy pic of a boob

‘ marqydoodoo (@markydoodoo) July 21, 2017

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“How lucky can one guy be? I kissed her and she kissed me. ‘ – Dean Martin confusing luck with consent?

‘ Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) August 2, 2017

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On Great British Baking Show “adding Mexican flavors” means an extra quarter teaspoon of black pepper & a printed-out picture of cilantro

‘ DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 29, 2017

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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what's the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

‘ vince (@mortimermaiden) July 27, 2017

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Thanks to movies & TV, I now expect every casual conversation in a car going thru an intersection to end in a horrible side-impact crash

‘ Mike Scully (@scullymike) July 31, 2017

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*coming out of movie theater, adjusting scarf*

Well, it's CLEARLY not as good as The Emoji BOOK, but…

‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) July 30, 2017

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i pronounce 'desiigner' the way u2 sings the word “desire” in their 1988 song “desire”

‘ molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) August 1, 2017

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I love Trader Joe's cuz when you step inside it feels like Obama is still president

‘ Julia Shiplett (@juliashiplett) July 26, 2017

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YOU BREAKDANCE
YOU BUY DANCE!

‘ (@spacecrafff) July 23, 2017

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As you get older you start to realize how little content your parents have produced

‘ friend of G. Tacos (@yerpalmildsauce) July 27, 2017