By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are full of tons of great time-saving tips.
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
‘ childish sadbino (@datassque) July 30, 2017
YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 30, 2017
This is what happens when you elect Bart instead of Lisa
‘ Glenn Boozan (@boozan) July 31, 2017
HER: I like guys who are self-aware
HIM: [trying to impress her] We're fictitious characters in a tweet
‘ Jeremy G (@JeremyCanadian) July 24, 2017
How did humans make both fargo & the emoji movie this is like if beavers also built cathedrals
‘ Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 31, 2017
my mother was giggling at this and told me to “take a look at that adorable dachshund, he's sleeping”, she was looking at a purse: pic.twitter.com/ZyNKaLMxKI
‘ Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) July 30, 2017
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 26, 2017
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't put a hat on it? It would look good in a hat
‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 2, 2017
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.
‘ your bff alex (@psybermonkey) July 26, 2017
M: [trying not to swear in front of kid] SON OF A BACKSTREET BOY
Kid: what's a backstreet boy?
M: are you fucking kidding me??!!
‘ damage simpson (@hellohappy_time) August 2, 2017
I just want to find a nice alibi to settle down with
‘ Deeks (@Adyaces) July 20, 2017
[the invention of knocking]
i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me
‘ elon benes (@themiltron) April 30, 2017
The first rule of Fight Club should really be some sort of age restriction.
‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) July 27, 2017
My circle of friends is a pizza.
‘ Marta Effing (@MartaEffing) July 28, 2017
ME: Actually, the phrase is “the proof of the pudding is in the eating.” Common misconception.
HIM: I literally didn't say anything.
‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) July 20, 2017