By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #96

This week ‘s tweets are best if heated for a long period over a low temperature.
The reality is, a vanilla soy latte is a type of three-bean soup.
‘ Lockwood DeWitt (@lockwooddewitt) August 8, 2017
Every taco is a street taco if you drop it.
‘ Beatriz Paxwest2018 (@wittwitbarista) August 1, 2017
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That's not true‘ Elliot (@ElliotHetherton) August 6, 2017
Which Netflix food documentary is going to make YOU unbearable to be around for a month?
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 8, 2017
When my doctor told me I couldn't understand simple, straightforward statements, I had a few questions
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) August 10, 2017
[Styx concert]
Beaver: Well, this sure was misleading.
‘ alien skier (@ClichedOut) August 10, 2017
music store clerk, after an hour or so: Can I help you?
me, still can’t remember the word ‘castanets’: I’d like your finest applause clams.
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 2, 2017
I don't want to read a horoscope unless it says “today you'll have your own dragon.”
‘ Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) August 5, 2017
The 'mystery machine' was a van. Not really even much of a mystery there.
‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) August 5, 2017
I don't want to scare anyone, but if you look back at your grade school yearbooks, Moby is hiding in all of the class pictures.
‘ Gret ‘hen (@wokkax3) August 3, 2017
If you pull on a white guy's ponytail a three-second bassline comes out of his mouth
‘ Geornge Lucas (@The_Garbage_Boi) August 5, 2017
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents
‘ brent (@murrman5) August 7, 2017
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!”, like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
‘ Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 4, 2017
turns out that my “i refuse to learn a new skill unless im immediately good at it” tactic is sabotaging my entire life
‘ rose (@lleuadau) August 2, 2017
“Drove my Ford to the fjord but the fjord was dry” – “Scandinavian Pie”
‘ Brian Boone (@brianbooone) August 8, 2017
Restaurant idea : a rotating sushi bar place but the conveyor belt goes 60mph and its call If U Can Eat Sushi bar
‘ forest meat (@realsleepyfinn) August 7, 2017
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
‘ CrazyMyra (@NotOnTheMoors) August 2, 2017
“Why don't we settle this in the dojo,” I say, karate chopping a plate of cookies. Nana backs down. As usual.
‘ Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 3, 2017
Assuming Trout gets his 1,000th hit today, on his 26th birthday, he'll be on pace to get 2,000 hits by age 52. Truly incredible.
‘ Greg (@grogg) August 7, 2017
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
‘ Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 2, 2017
Being alone is great. You know what I did today? No, you don't, and you never will
‘ Ella Gale (@hellakale) August 6, 2017
Son: The kids at school keep calling me ugly
Dad: You know what you should do? [Puts hand on shoulder] Let me finish your face tattoo
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) August 7, 2017
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it's cute but when I do it I'm “in need of an intervention”?
‘ John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) June 8, 2017
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn't share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
‘ hannah lane (@hxnlxne) August 7, 2017
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Apparently this pair of fucking geniuses believe rivers are found on top of hills.
‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) July 27, 2017
Are you calling to apologize for eating all the nachos covered with the most cheese? No? Then I have no idea who set your house on fire
‘ Brad Williams (@funnybrad) August 10, 2017
I just wonder if death thinks about me as much as I think about death.
‘ Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) July 30, 2017