27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #96

The reality is, a vanilla soy latte is a type of three-bean soup.

‘ Lockwood DeWitt (@lockwooddewitt) August 8, 2017

Every taco is a street taco if you drop it.

‘ Beatriz Paxwest2018 (@wittwitbarista) August 1, 2017

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That's not true

‘ Elliot (@ElliotHetherton) August 6, 2017

Which Netflix food documentary is going to make YOU unbearable to be around for a month?

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 8, 2017

When my doctor told me I couldn't understand simple, straightforward statements, I had a few questions

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) August 10, 2017

[Styx concert]

Beaver: Well, this sure was misleading.

‘ alien skier (@ClichedOut) August 10, 2017

I don't want to read a horoscope unless it says “today you'll have your own dragon.”

‘ Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) August 5, 2017

The 'mystery machine' was a van. Not really even much of a mystery there.

‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) August 5, 2017

I don't want to scare anyone, but if you look back at your grade school yearbooks, Moby is hiding in all of the class pictures.

‘ Gret ‘hen (@wokkax3) August 3, 2017

If you pull on a white guy's ponytail a three-second bassline comes out of his mouth

‘ Geornge Lucas (@The_Garbage_Boi) August 5, 2017

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents

‘ brent (@murrman5) August 7, 2017

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!”, like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol

‘ Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 4, 2017

turns out that my “i refuse to learn a new skill unless im immediately good at it” tactic is sabotaging my entire life

‘ rose (@lleuadau) August 2, 2017

“Drove my Ford to the fjord but the fjord was dry” – “Scandinavian Pie”

‘ Brian Boone (@brianbooone) August 8, 2017

Restaurant idea : a rotating sushi bar place but the conveyor belt goes 60mph and its call If U Can Eat Sushi bar

‘ forest meat (@realsleepyfinn) August 7, 2017

“Why don't we settle this in the dojo,” I say, karate chopping a plate of cookies. Nana backs down. As usual.

‘ Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 3, 2017

Assuming Trout gets his 1,000th hit today, on his 26th birthday, he'll be on pace to get 2,000 hits by age 52. Truly incredible.

‘ Greg (@grogg) August 7, 2017

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

‘ Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 2, 2017

Being alone is great. You know what I did today? No, you don't, and you never will

‘ Ella Gale (@hellakale) August 6, 2017

Son: The kids at school keep calling me ugly

Dad: You know what you should do? [Puts hand on shoulder] Let me finish your face tattoo

‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) August 7, 2017

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it's cute but when I do it I'm “in need of an intervention”?

‘ John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) June 8, 2017

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn't share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

‘ hannah lane (@hxnlxne) August 7, 2017

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Apparently this pair of fucking geniuses believe rivers are found on top of hills.

‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) July 27, 2017

Are you calling to apologize for eating all the nachos covered with the most cheese? No? Then I have no idea who set your house on fire

‘ Brad Williams (@funnybrad) August 10, 2017

I just wonder if death thinks about me as much as I think about death.

‘ Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) July 30, 2017