By: Becky Abrams
Honestly, how can you expect to top a dragon battle? There ‘s nowhere left to go after a scene like last week ‘s show closer, and now a devil-may-care spirit has pervaded Westeros. Nobody gives a single flying fuck anymore: Tyrion comes all the way back to King ‘s Landing just to say hey, Cersei wants Jaime to come out publicly as her baby daddy, and Gendry has reappeared, if anyone cares. Nothing is normal anymore. I mean for Pete ‘s sake, it ‘s looking pretty likely that Jorah ‘s gonna fuck Daenerys! NOBODY CARES ANYMORE! They Do Not Give A Fuck!!!!!
1. Bronn DGAF
It turns out Bronn is the one who saved Jaime ‘s life last episode, and he ‘s absolutely fucking done with Jaime ‘s suicide-by-dragon routine. If Jaime really wants to keep a war going against the Dothraki and dragons, he can do it without Bronn. The guy still hasn ‘t gotten his castle or buxom wife! The Lannisters may have finally done the impossible and defaulted on a debt. Can Bronn petition the Iron Bank for a lien?
2. Daenerys *Really* DGAF
Marching away from the battleground, Dany offers the Lannister POWs an opportunity to save their own lives by bending the knee (BTK Count in this scene: shockingly only 2). The Tarlys opt out. They ‘re loyal to Cersei because she was born and raised in Westeros, i.e. they ‘re xenophobes and Dany just ain ‘t from here. At first I thought she would feed them to Drogon to be efficient with her resources, but quickly it becomes clear that she ‘s going to have Drogon burn them alive ‘much like her father, the Mad King, did to Rickard and Brandon Stark) before the series began. Tyrion tries to trade their fate for taking the Black, but Dany – you guessed it – no longer has fucks to spare. She gives the command and Drogon fireburps the Tarlys all the way to hell.
3. Cersei Somehow Gives Less of AF Now Than Ever Before
Winter has brought a lot of fur-lined, leather costumes with it, but no one dresses the part better than Cersei. As soon as she blew up the Sept of Baelor last season, she began her official Warrior Queen Makeover, and her wardrobe is now pretty much a collection of floor-length shields. Who cares that her army is gone and there ‘s basically no mercenary army in the world that could defeat the Dothraki or three dragons? Who cares that Olenna Tyrell killed her son and successfully kept it a secret until now? You can ‘t GAF about lost causes. All you can really do is wear 15 pounds of quilted black leather and put away a few gallons of wine before lunch. Oh, and let the world know that you just got impregnated by your twin brother AGAIN. (But everyone already knew that anyway)
4. Jon Snow DGAF About Touching Dragon Noses
Drogon lands in Dragonstone right in front of Jon Snow, and Jon stands there petting its nose like it ‘s a sneezy brachiosaurus. His Targaryan blood must be especially fragrant, and Drogon must smell it all over him. When will Jon ‘s lineage be out in the open? Will it mean he can pilot one of the dragons? Will finding out Jon is her nephew make Dany more or less horny than she already is? If a dragon sneezes, will fire come out?
5. Jorah DGAF About Anyone Else in the Room
So ‘Jorah ‘s back. And guys? He ‘s ready to fuck. I ‘m saying he might have one more fuck to give, if you know what I mean. All the chemistry that should be between Dany and Jon is crackling between Dany and Jorah. He ‘s basically like, “I ‘m back from the brink of death because I couldn ‘t stay away from you ‘if you ‘ll have me, ‘ and Dany ‘s all, “Ok, I ‘ll have you come to my quarters tonight if you know what I mean, ‘ and Jon ‘s like, “guys? guys? I ‘m still here? ‘
Way too soon after coming back, Jorah offers to leave again so he can swing by the Wall and pick up a wight (Tyrion ‘s plan detailed in section 9). But it ‘s too soon! Jorah just got back! And unless I ‘m wrong, Daenerys hasn ‘t gotten any action since leaving Daario Naharis back in Mereen. This can ‘t be happening. Get Jorah laid!
6. Bran *Should* GAF
It would be great if Bran would stop letting the Night King see him when he goes out warging. It ‘s that kind of behavior that got Hodor killed last season. Get serious, Bran!
7. Sam Tarly Never Really Gave AF
None of the Archmaesters of the Citadel, not even Sam ‘s thesis advisor Ebrose, believes that White Walkers are real. They think it ‘s more likely a brilliant ploy by the invading queen to draw southern armies away from their land so she can seize it all for herself. You have to admit, that ‘s sound logic. But then again, the queen they ‘re talking about has dragons, so if the maesters are already willing to allow for magical beings, then maybe they should just listen to Sam when he asks one more time for their help against the White Walkers. But they DON ‘T and he ‘s SICK OF IT so he takes Gilly, the baby, and a few dozen scrolls and they LEAVE!
8. Gendry ‘s Back and He Gives Less Fs than Anyone
Ta-da, Gendry ‘s back. And he wasn ‘t floating along in a rowboat all this time – he was back in Flea Bottom smithing a giant plastic war hammer. It ‘s unclear what makes Davos decide to fetch him for the trek up north, but Gendry must know how anticlimactic a return he ‘s making after all this time – and that ‘s why he ‘s more than willing to bash everyone ‘s brains in with the hammer. Hopefully he can attach some dragonglass to the weapon and make it usable up there.
9. Tyrion is Trying to GAF
Accompanying Davos to King ‘s Landing, Tyrion is finally back in the city where he murdered his father and stood trial for the murder of his nephew. He arranges a secret meeting with Jaime through Bronn (who I assume is fully bouncing after this), banking on Jaime ‘s influence to sway Cersei. His friends are going to steal a wight and bring it to King ‘s Landing to prove that there ‘s a much worse enemy up north than Daenerys Targaryan. This is the Game of Thrones equivalent to a Hail Mary pass: even if the gang can capture a wight without disturbing the rest of the undead army, even if they can safely bring it down to King ‘s Landing, and even if Cersei is willing to take a look at it – she could still easily say “whatever, not my problem. ‘ But what else is there to do?
10. Arya DGAF About Staying Quiet
Meanwhile up in Winterfell, Arya ‘s got something to say. She sees Sansa allowing their bannermen to express annoyance with Jon for leaving, and she ‘s not impressed by her sister ‘s style of leadership. Arya wastes no time coming up with coded language like Littlefinger would; she just flat-out tells Sansa she knows what she ‘s up to. She ‘s trying to undermine Jon to become Queen in the North.
Whether Sansa is actually attempting a takeover or not, Littlefinger sets up a ruse to tear the sisters further apart. He lets Arya think she ‘s spying on a secret raven scroll exchange, and she finds a message that looks very damning for Sansa. Can anyone explain what the scroll actually says in the comments?
11. Ragtag Rangers Who DGA Frozen F
The episode ends in Eastwatch with the ragtaggiest team we ‘ve seen in Game of Thrones so far: Jon Snow, Tormund the wildling, Davos the smuggler, Gendry the Baratheon, Jorah the son of the old Lord Commander, Thoros the priest, Beric the one who won ‘t stay dead, and the Hound himself, Sandor Freaking Clegane. Something tells me it ‘s going to take this many men with this many skill sets to capture a wight and smuggle him down to King ‘s Landing. They set out like the gang from The Stand leaving for Las Vegas. Don ‘t dream it ‘s over, fellas.
We only have two more episodes left in season 7. TWO MORE EPISODES. We ‘re cruising straight into the eye of the storm(born), and someone ‘s going to die. Someone has to die, right? Who will it be? In the wight-napping mission alone we ‘ll probably lose at least two beloved characters. Maybe this is the reason Beric has been brought back so many times! But I digress. After an hour of watching characters pop off without fear of consequence, I imagine some consequences will arrive in the weeks to come. Our fucks can recharge until then.