27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #97

the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse

‘ ariana venti (@hiitsmolly) August 24, 2017

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Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite grocery store now.

‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 22, 2017

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I have my father's eyes and my mother's inability to parallel park.

‘ Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 19, 2017

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I know it sounds dumb, but Vanilla Ice originally wanted to call the song, “Frozen Water, Frozen Water, Infant.”

‘ John Wyatt Haskell (@johnwhaskell) August 25, 2017

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Heart: I just want people to like me.

Brain: But you say weird things.

Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny.

‘ Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) June 11, 2017

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Why do I drive on a parkway but cry in my driveway

‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) August 25, 2017

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-Hi there! I'm Bill! Let me Uber you in my Subaru ha ha ha
-Pull over and let me out of this fucking car right fucking now

‘ ߡ|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) August 24, 2017

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I've been on a diet for a month and just found myself thinking of stars as “the croutons of the night”.

‘ Sandra Newman (@sannewman) August 20, 2017

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They say it's not good having skeletons in your closet, but people really freak out when they're all carefully arranged at the dinner table.

‘ independent H. (@CyborgHanky) August 22, 2017

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Cookie Monster is adorable & terrific but if he was real we would have to kill him, there's no escaping it

‘ (@RYLANDDUNCAN) August 24, 2017

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When approached by a bear make yourself look bigger by eating horribly and not exercising for 38 years. They will then leave out of pity.

‘ James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) July 27, 2017

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i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 22, 2017

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Warden: you ready for your last meal
Me: yes, I want Olive Garden
*3 days*
Warden: Ok are y-
Me: *holding finger up* more breadsticks please

‘ RollmanInOz (@Rollmaninoz) August 24, 2017

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girl at the bar: did you just wink at me?
me: yeah i was flarting
girl: do you mean flirting?
me: yeah, but something else happened too

‘ ??????? (@egg_dog) August 24, 2017

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HOLMES: I can tell by the roughness of the victims hands that he worked down at the docks

WATSON: I was Hermione in the Harry Potter movies

‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 23, 2017

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*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) July 19, 2017

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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

‘ Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 23, 2017

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[first day in jail]

INMATE: what're ya in for?

ME: a serious lecture if my mom finds out about this

‘ The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) July 26, 2017

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first date, it's going well, I try to take my shirt off real sexy but it gets stuck on my head and I walk straight into the mcflurry machine

‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 21, 2017

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I wish the twin I absorbed in the womb would stop texting me pictures of the inside of my body

‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) August 9, 2017

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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

‘ Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis ‘ Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 23, 2017

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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

‘ duumb (@duumb) August 25, 2017

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Before you marry someone, you should see how they sleep on a plane first

‘ Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) August 17, 2017

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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

‘ Beatriz Paxwest2018 (@wittwitbarista) August 22, 2017

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I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth

‘ ?o ‘ “Haute Topic ‘ ?uinn (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017

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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

‘ Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 23, 2017

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Good impression of a human: ooh look at me I'm going to get angry at the news & give a dog a name & die eventually. I have music preferences

‘ Eli Goldstone (@eligoldstone) August 24, 2017