By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets already have more than enough friends.
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse
‘ ariana venti (@hiitsmolly) August 24, 2017
Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite grocery store now.
‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 22, 2017
I have my father's eyes and my mother's inability to parallel park.
‘ Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 19, 2017
I know it sounds dumb, but Vanilla Ice originally wanted to call the song, “Frozen Water, Frozen Water, Infant.”
‘ John Wyatt Haskell (@johnwhaskell) August 25, 2017
Heart: I just want people to like me.
Brain: But you say weird things.
Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny.
‘ Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) June 11, 2017
Why do I drive on a parkway but cry in my driveway
‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) August 25, 2017
-Hi there! I'm Bill! Let me Uber you in my Subaru ha ha ha
-Pull over and let me out of this fucking car right fucking now
‘ ߡ|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) August 24, 2017
I've been on a diet for a month and just found myself thinking of stars as “the croutons of the night”.
‘ Sandra Newman (@sannewman) August 20, 2017
They say it's not good having skeletons in your closet, but people really freak out when they're all carefully arranged at the dinner table.
‘ independent H. (@CyborgHanky) August 22, 2017
Cookie Monster is adorable & terrific but if he was real we would have to kill him, there's no escaping it
‘ (@RYLANDDUNCAN) August 24, 2017
When approached by a bear make yourself look bigger by eating horribly and not exercising for 38 years. They will then leave out of pity.
‘ James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) July 27, 2017
i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 22, 2017
Warden: you ready for your last meal
Me: yes, I want Olive Garden
Warden: Ok are y-
Me: *holding finger up* more breadsticks please
‘ RollmanInOz (@Rollmaninoz) August 24, 2017
girl at the bar: did you just wink at me?
me: yeah i was flarting
girl: do you mean flirting?
me: yeah, but something else happened too
‘ ??????? (@egg_dog) August 24, 2017
HOLMES: I can tell by the roughness of the victims hands that he worked down at the docks
WATSON: I was Hermione in the Harry Potter movies
‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 23, 2017
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) July 19, 2017
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
‘ Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 23, 2017
[first day in jail]
INMATE: what're ya in for?
ME: a serious lecture if my mom finds out about this
‘ The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) July 26, 2017
first date, it's going well, I try to take my shirt off real sexy but it gets stuck on my head and I walk straight into the mcflurry machine
‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 21, 2017
I wish the twin I absorbed in the womb would stop texting me pictures of the inside of my body
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) August 9, 2017
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
‘ Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis ‘ Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 23, 2017
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
‘ duumb (@duumb) August 25, 2017
Before you marry someone, you should see how they sleep on a plane first
‘ Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) August 17, 2017
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
‘ Beatriz Paxwest2018 (@wittwitbarista) August 22, 2017
I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth
‘ ?o ‘ “Haute Topic ‘ ?uinn (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
‘ Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 23, 2017
Good impression of a human: ooh look at me I'm going to get angry at the news & give a dog a name & die eventually. I have music preferences
‘ Eli Goldstone (@eligoldstone) August 24, 2017
After seeing photos of unintimidating troublemakers, Natasha Leggero, Sarah Tiana and Jeff Ross guess what lackluster crimes they may have committed. Watch full episodes of @midnight now: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T
GIFs are a great way express how you ‘re feeling online, but what happens when a feeling is so specific, there are no good GIFs out there to express it? That ‘s where the GIF scientists at TFW Labs come in.
Ryan M. was sent home from ‘The Bachelorette’ last night and he’d like to apologize for his inappropriate behavior.
SLEEPOVER SPECIAL! A Funny or Die University Series Starring: Cecily Breaux Ashley Morton Mellie Nolen Carter Shults