27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #97
This week ‘s tweets already have more than enough friends.
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse
‘ ariana venti (@hiitsmolly) August 24, 2017
Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite grocery store now.
‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 22, 2017
I have my father's eyes and my mother's inability to parallel park.
‘ Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 19, 2017
I know it sounds dumb, but Vanilla Ice originally wanted to call the song, “Frozen Water, Frozen Water, Infant.”
‘ John Wyatt Haskell (@johnwhaskell) August 25, 2017
Heart: I just want people to like me.
Brain: But you say weird things.
Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny.
‘ Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) June 11, 2017
Why do I drive on a parkway but cry in my driveway
‘ no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) August 25, 2017
-Hi there! I'm Bill! Let me Uber you in my Subaru ha ha ha
-Pull over and let me out of this fucking car right fucking now‘ ߡ|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) August 24, 2017
I've been on a diet for a month and just found myself thinking of stars as “the croutons of the night”.
‘ Sandra Newman (@sannewman) August 20, 2017
They say it's not good having skeletons in your closet, but people really freak out when they're all carefully arranged at the dinner table.
‘ independent H. (@CyborgHanky) August 22, 2017
Cookie Monster is adorable & terrific but if he was real we would have to kill him, there's no escaping it
‘ (@RYLANDDUNCAN) August 24, 2017
When approached by a bear make yourself look bigger by eating horribly and not exercising for 38 years. They will then leave out of pity.
‘ James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) July 27, 2017
i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 22, 2017
Warden: you ready for your last meal
Me: yes, I want Olive Garden
*3 days*
Warden: Ok are y-
Me: *holding finger up* more breadsticks please‘ RollmanInOz (@Rollmaninoz) August 24, 2017
girl at the bar: did you just wink at me?
me: yeah i was flarting
girl: do you mean flirting?
me: yeah, but something else happened too‘ ??????? (@egg_dog) August 24, 2017
HOLMES: I can tell by the roughness of the victims hands that he worked down at the docks
WATSON: I was Hermione in the Harry Potter movies
‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 23, 2017
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) July 19, 2017
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
‘ Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 23, 2017
[first day in jail]
INMATE: what're ya in for?
ME: a serious lecture if my mom finds out about this
‘ The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) July 26, 2017
first date, it's going well, I try to take my shirt off real sexy but it gets stuck on my head and I walk straight into the mcflurry machine
‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 21, 2017
I wish the twin I absorbed in the womb would stop texting me pictures of the inside of my body
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) August 9, 2017
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
‘ Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis ‘ Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 23, 2017
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
‘ duumb (@duumb) August 25, 2017
Before you marry someone, you should see how they sleep on a plane first
‘ Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) August 17, 2017
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
‘ Beatriz Paxwest2018 (@wittwitbarista) August 22, 2017
I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth
‘ ?o ‘ “Haute Topic ‘ ?uinn (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017
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