By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #99

This week ‘s tweets will have an entire nation glued to their television sets.
U made an app? U have a YouTube channel? Ur an Instagram model? When I was a kid if u wanted to get famous u had to fall down a fuckin well.
‘ Angie B (@Angibangie) August 3, 2017
very excited for the female 'lord of the flies' reboot where piggy loses her glasses and gets super fuckin hot.
‘ Halcyon Person (@halcyonperson) August 31, 2017
ME: run it again
WAITER: ma’am, it’s a Blockbuster card from 1994
ME *leans in close* I said run it again‘ hannahannahannah (@MUMSIEesq) August 16, 2017
In my movie club this Friday, we once again discuss the movie Commando and how difficult it would be to throw a pipe through someone
‘ Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) September 7, 2017
Robber: put the money in the bag!
Cashier: k but it's 70 cents for a bag
Robber: the fuck it is *slides over reusable tote*‘ schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 4, 2017
I've no idea why I was fired as a math teacher. I always gave 110%
‘ Deeks (@Adyaces) August 5, 2017
Me: I need a doctor's appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don't need that many
‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 1, 2017
balloons are just slow motion basketballs
‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2017
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don't bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) April 27, 2017
[Interview]
Boss: Tell me about a time you overcame an obstacle at work
Me: Today I woke up still so drunk I didn't think I could drive here‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) September 6, 2017
doing should be pronounced like boing
‘ spacegirlincognito (@iamspacegirl) September 5, 2017
Every rock song from 1975-89 fit one of these
1. I wanna rock
2. I'll never stop rocking
3. Parents hate rock
4. I'm horny for a 14 year old‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) September 7, 2017
You think I use a lot of lotion to keep my skin hydrated, but really I just want to be ready to slide though an air vent if I need to escape
‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 22, 2017
Perfect skin is wasted on children. Where you going looking so dewy, Aidan? The sandbox? Fucking circle time? Gimme it.
‘ erin chack (@ErinChack) September 6, 2017
ME: The price tag said $3.69
CLERK: No
M: Can you check
C: No it's $4.79
M: OK thanks…[9 hours later, alone in my room] for being a bitch‘ Mark Magark (@markedly) February 9, 2017
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame‘ spaghetti yeti (@suntzufuntzu) September 4, 2017
Owls are basically just night chickens.
‘ madds (@whatmaddness) September 2, 2017
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won't bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
‘ beth, an alien ‘ (@bourgeoisalien) September 7, 2017
Guy who invented horseback riding: this isn't so bad
Guy who invented dressage *licking coke off the floor*: now make em dance
‘ Max Haarhaus (@maxhaarhaus) September 6, 2017
My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I'm going to trap a new one pic.twitter.com/7j7At3lXM8
‘ Becky Isotobe (@BuckyIsotope) September 5, 2017
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 6, 2017
Didn ‘t see anyone I know today so that means tomorrow i get to wear the exact same clothes.
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 6, 2017
huh it's funny how the bacon flavored everything trend never drew as much ire as pumpkin spice wonder why that is hmm hard to say
‘ Boss Man 69 (@shaqpipelegs) September 4, 2017
monotheism is when you get sick after making out with god
‘ elon benes (@themiltron) September 3, 2017
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 11, 2017
*thinking about my age* how did this happen. how could I let it get this bad
‘ skepanie (@goodhairperson) September 5, 2017
Hey would somebody let me know when to take off my eclipse glasses
‘ Mave (@MavenofHonor) September 3, 2017