27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #99

U made an app? U have a YouTube channel? Ur an Instagram model? When I was a kid if u wanted to get famous u had to fall down a fuckin well.

‘ Angie B (@Angibangie) August 3, 2017

very excited for the female 'lord of the flies' reboot where piggy loses her glasses and gets super fuckin hot.

‘ Halcyon Person (@halcyonperson) August 31, 2017

In my movie club this Friday, we once again discuss the movie Commando and how difficult it would be to throw a pipe through someone

‘ Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) September 7, 2017

Robber: put the money in the bag!
Cashier: k but it's 70 cents for a bag
Robber: the fuck it is *slides over reusable tote*

‘ schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 4, 2017

I've no idea why I was fired as a math teacher. I always gave 110%

‘ Deeks (@Adyaces) August 5, 2017

Me: I need a doctor's appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don't need that many

‘ Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 1, 2017

balloons are just slow motion basketballs

‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2017

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don't bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) April 27, 2017

[Interview]
Boss: Tell me about a time you overcame an obstacle at work
Me: Today I woke up still so drunk I didn't think I could drive here

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) September 6, 2017

Every rock song from 1975-89 fit one of these
1. I wanna rock
2. I'll never stop rocking
3. Parents hate rock
4. I'm horny for a 14 year old

‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) September 7, 2017

You think I use a lot of lotion to keep my skin hydrated, but really I just want to be ready to slide though an air vent if I need to escape

‘ Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 22, 2017

Perfect skin is wasted on children. Where you going looking so dewy, Aidan? The sandbox? Fucking circle time? Gimme it.

‘ erin chack (@ErinChack) September 6, 2017

ME: The price tag said $3.69
CLERK: No
M: Can you check
C: No it's $4.79
M: OK thanks…[9 hours later, alone in my room] for being a bitch

‘ Mark Magark (@markedly) February 9, 2017

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

‘ spaghetti yeti (@suntzufuntzu) September 4, 2017

Owls are basically just night chickens.

‘ madds (@whatmaddness) September 2, 2017

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won't bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

‘ beth, an alien ‘ (@bourgeoisalien) September 7, 2017

Guy who invented horseback riding: this isn't so bad

Guy who invented dressage *licking coke off the floor*: now make em dance

‘ Max Haarhaus (@maxhaarhaus) September 6, 2017

My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I'm going to trap a new one pic.twitter.com/7j7At3lXM8

‘ Becky Isotobe (@BuckyIsotope) September 5, 2017

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 6, 2017

Didn ‘t see anyone I know today so that means tomorrow i get to wear the exact same clothes.

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 6, 2017

huh it's funny how the bacon flavored everything trend never drew as much ire as pumpkin spice wonder why that is hmm hard to say

‘ Boss Man 69 (@shaqpipelegs) September 4, 2017

monotheism is when you get sick after making out with god

‘ elon benes (@themiltron) September 3, 2017

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 11, 2017

*thinking about my age* how did this happen. how could I let it get this bad

‘ skepanie (@goodhairperson) September 5, 2017

Hey would somebody let me know when to take off my eclipse glasses

‘ Mave (@MavenofHonor) September 3, 2017