By: Jason Flowers
21 Tweets About Detectives We’re Gonna Need You To Read By The End Of The Day

These tweets are getting too old for this shit.
ROOKIE:The body is badly burned
DETECTIVE: I guess u could say he… *lowers eyeglasses* Oh I thought I had my shades on, wait give me a sec‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 9, 2017
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 1, 2017
{me as a detective}
Looks like the serial killer has killed more than one person to death. We should find him.‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) May 30, 2017
coroner office int. day
detective: cause of death?
coroner: well… let's just say some…BODY once told me–
detective: jesus christ bruce‘ Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 17, 2017
[detective inspecting my body at the bottom of the grand canyon] looks like the victim was tweeting “more like the bland canyon” and fell in
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 7, 2017
me, as a private detective: [hands wife Avatar dvd)
wife: how’s this relevant to my husbands affair
me: maam i think your husbands a avatar‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) August 29, 2017
Imagine being the forensic detective assigned to a Hamburglar case, like “hey there's some beef on this bookcase”
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 28, 2017
Detective: Something smells fishy here
Cop: the victim was stabbed at a wharf
D: I mean fishy as in suspicious.
C: Then say suspicious, dang‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) April 9, 2017
Detectives in crime docs are always like “I put a photo of her on my office wall and vowed to find her killer” Like we’re gonna go whoa neat
‘ Dan Harmon (@danharmon) August 22, 2017
Private browsing makes me feel like a sneaky hard boiled detective. But one who only masturbates and looks up flight prices.
‘ Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) May 16, 2017
I'm still waiting for an Urkel detective series called Did YOU Do That?
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 24, 2017
BEAUTIFUL DAME: fuck me, please!
DETECTIVE: the only “nut” i'm interested in busting, is the nut who kidnapped your son, ma'am. and i'm gay‘ derek (@eedrk) May 9, 2017
You: why do u make such big deal out of everything
Me [the tiny detective holding a magnifying glass emoji]: u knew who I was when u met me‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 23, 2017
if i were a detective, any time someone was murdered, the 1st person i would question is local coffin factory owners. they benefit the most
‘ Gov. Dick Pussington (@Karate_Horse) February 7, 2017
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) June 6, 2017
ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.
DETECTIVE: [sighs]
ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) April 27, 2017
DETECTIVE: CONFESS. WE KNOW YOU ROBBED THOSE BANKS
SUSPECT: [is a dog]
PARTNER: You sure we got the right guy? He seems like a good boy.
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) December 30, 2016
i love being a detective who is tired of the world and its horrors, but get this, also ridiculously attractive and always having sex
‘ Lana Del Raytheon (@LanaDelRaytheon) September 12, 2017
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT ‘I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) April 26, 2017
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave‘ FROVO (@fro_vo) March 21, 2017
The Great Mouse Detective: I know exactly where the stolen diamonds are! Quickly, to the cheese factory!
Human Cop: Five times in a row?!‘ madds (@whatmaddness) May 15, 2017
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