21 Tweets About Detectives We’re Gonna Need You To Read By The End Of The Day

ROOKIE:The body is badly burned
DETECTIVE: I guess u could say he… *lowers eyeglasses* Oh I thought I had my shades on, wait give me a sec

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 9, 2017

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[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 1, 2017

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{me as a detective}
Looks like the serial killer has killed more than one person to death. We should find him.

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) May 30, 2017

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coroner office int. day
detective: cause of death?
coroner: well… let's just say some…BODY once told me–
detective: jesus christ bruce

‘ Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 17, 2017

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[detective inspecting my body at the bottom of the grand canyon] looks like the victim was tweeting “more like the bland canyon” and fell in

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 7, 2017

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me, as a private detective: [hands wife Avatar dvd)
wife: how’s this relevant to my husbands affair
me: maam i think your husbands a avatar

‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) August 29, 2017

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Imagine being the forensic detective assigned to a Hamburglar case, like “hey there's some beef on this bookcase”

‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 28, 2017

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Detective: Something smells fishy here
Cop: the victim was stabbed at a wharf
D: I mean fishy as in suspicious.
C: Then say suspicious, dang

‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) April 9, 2017

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Detectives in crime docs are always like “I put a photo of her on my office wall and vowed to find her killer” Like we’re gonna go whoa neat

‘ Dan Harmon (@danharmon) August 22, 2017

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Private browsing makes me feel like a sneaky hard boiled detective. But one who only masturbates and looks up flight prices.

‘ Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) May 16, 2017

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I'm still waiting for an Urkel detective series called Did YOU Do That?

‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 24, 2017

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BEAUTIFUL DAME: fuck me, please!
DETECTIVE: the only “nut” i'm interested in busting, is the nut who kidnapped your son, ma'am. and i'm gay

‘ derek (@eedrk) May 9, 2017

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You: why do u make such big deal out of everything
Me [the tiny detective holding a magnifying glass emoji]: u knew who I was when u met me

‘ Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 23, 2017

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if i were a detective, any time someone was murdered, the 1st person i would question is local coffin factory owners. they benefit the most

‘ Gov. Dick Pussington (@Karate_Horse) February 7, 2017

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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) June 6, 2017

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ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) April 27, 2017

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DETECTIVE: CONFESS. WE KNOW YOU ROBBED THOSE BANKS

SUSPECT: [is a dog]

PARTNER: You sure we got the right guy? He seems like a good boy.

‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) December 30, 2016

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i love being a detective who is tired of the world and its horrors, but get this, also ridiculously attractive and always having sex

‘ Lana Del Raytheon (@LanaDelRaytheon) September 12, 2017

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[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT ‘I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) April 26, 2017