By: Kit Lively
The movie Blade Runner 2049 premiers in theaters on Thursday October 6th. This futuristic sci-fi thriller gets a few things right about what we can all look forward to in the coming decades.
- Being a Blade Runner is awesome, so turns out your mother who told you that you shouldn ‘t run with scissors is a liar.
- In a future version of The Bachelor, attractive females vie for the attentions of a sentient stomach virus.
- Future-world police are allowed to shoot and kill robots with impunity, which causes robot athletes to stage a peaceful protest during sporting events.
- Robots are intimidatingly stronger than humans, but fortunately for us, twice as ticklish.
- Harrison Ford is grumpy, and would prefer to be left alone.
- Future Republicans are fine with humans marrying robots, as long as the robot in question is of the opposite sex.
- Not only is global warming wreaking havoc, but also global worming, due probably to the unrefrigerated meats served in those floating Asian food trucks.
- There are indeed flying cars in the future, which means that hitchhikers now have to wear jet-packs.
- In the future, human waste is transported via wormholes to the past. Unfortunately, a large collection of this waste gains sentience and manages to become President of the United States in 2016.
- Robot versions of cats exist in the future as well. They ‘re big assholes, though. Worse than regular cats, even.
- You can order your own robot from Amazon, but unless you ‘re a Prime member, it will probably have one leg shorter than the other, or really bad BO and a lazy eye, etc.
Spin The Bottle is still a favorite game at teenage parties, but rather than a bottle, is now played with a futuristic meth pipe.
- As predicted by John Lennon, in the future there is no religion, but for a rather large cult who worship the songs and writings of John Lennon.
- The off-world colonies are a virtual paradise, with Jack-In-The-Box locations serving the eggnog milk-shake year round, rather than just during the Christmas holidays.
Tinder is no longer necessary, as future iPhones contain two complete sets of functioning genitalia.