27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #104

ok so eminem paces back and forth rapping about iniquity and he ‘s a hero but when i do it i ‘m “disrupting the flow of this bridal shower ‘

‘ Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) October 11, 2017

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Next Sunday Mike & Karen Pence will spend $223 billion taxpayer dollars to fly to the moon for 15 minutes & yodel the N word at an apple pie

‘ rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 9, 2017

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I…do not understand how electricity works. pic.twitter.com/rA3zIc70ER

‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) October 9, 2017

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ME: i put so much pressure on myself to succeed

FRIEND: you're eating ice cream in bed

ME: *snoring*

‘ Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) October 6, 2017

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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

‘ alien skier (@ClichedOut) October 9, 2017

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I'd be better at jogging if I wasn't always spilling my nachos.

‘ Brother Sal (@delusions_of) October 8, 2017

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I don't go out very much because I'm broke, but oh boy, once I'm rich, I'm gonna have to come up with another excuse.

‘ Maria Wojciechowski (@RiaWojo) July 19, 2017

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It’s called the “mall” because instead of going to one store you’re going to “them all” pic.twitter.com/yMJLayKzlw

‘ The Don (@JackedYoTweets) October 8, 2017

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If you make sure your phone is off on a flight, you probably still write checks at the grocery store.

‘ Sara Scully (@SaraSScully) October 11, 2017

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I ‘m ready in 5 minutes but don ‘t look anything like my photos.

‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) October 7, 2017

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Gonna keep applying moisturizer until my body slides off the couch into an alternate universe.

‘ Gret ‘hen (@wokkax3) October 12, 2017

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I'm so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I'd be like “Haha yeah man that's my card good job.”

‘ Shayne Topp (@supershayne) July 20, 2017

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Not only does Trader Joe's have great prices, all of their merch fits into “Eleanor Rigby.” pic.twitter.com/TjoxbE1dAz

‘ Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) October 8, 2017

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Please, Mr. Brightside was my father's name, call me a cab while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag now they're going to bed and my

‘ michael lutz, skittish leaping gallant (@WarrenIsDead) September 8, 2017

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*Flicks cigarette* Buddy, think you know oppression? Imagine being a talking peanut forced to sell your dead relatives remains for eternity

‘ Boog (@BoogTweets) October 11, 2017

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I pronounce patio like ratio and cry myself to sleep most nights

‘ slaughthie (@slaughthie) October 4, 2017

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SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.

‘ Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 12, 2017

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The Earth is the world's largest globe.

‘ Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) October 6, 2017

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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa pic.twitter.com/lpHNuRGdJy

‘ Joe Saunders (@saundersjoe) October 5, 2017

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small brain – movies
big brain – film
glowing brain – cinema
cosmic brain – keanu reeves action movies

‘ chai goth? CHAI goth? chai GOTH? chai goth… (@Abid_ism) October 11, 2017

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My favorite activities are leaving, being done, and skipping stuff

‘ Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) October 6, 2017

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It's okay, little pumpkin. I get scary when I'm lit, too.

‘ Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) October 7, 2017

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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

‘ Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) October 4, 2017

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It's that time of year again where I remind you all that there's no evidence in the text that the Monster Mash takes place on Halloween. It's just a fun party for monsters that could be in April for all we know.

‘ Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) October 4, 2017

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When women sing
“They did the Mash”

And then the guy chimes in
“They did the *Monster* Mash”

That's called Wolfmansplaining.

‘ Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) October 11, 2017

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Shitting my pants in the middle of this Wendy ‘s until they give up their stockpile of promotional Titan A.E. honey mustard.

‘ Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) October 8, 2017

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Rick & Morty should do an episode about how Rick's second favorite sauce is Universal Healthcare

‘ Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) October 9, 2017