22 Delicious Tweets That Have Zero To Do With Politics

KID: Daddy, did the dinosaurs go to heaven
ME: *standing in doorway* Probably
THE KID'S DAD: Who the hell are you

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 19, 2017

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Bad news: I accidentally washed a nice wool shirt that I really loved and it shrunk a LOT

Good news: pic.twitter.com/bPN6uji4ws

‘ SLIME LANGUAGE OUT NOW (@alextumay) October 24, 2017

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This professor graded tests next to me the whole flight. If there ‘s a Taiwan Jones at Howard, boy you failed the fuck out ya midterm

‘ roy. (@Old_Orleans) October 19, 2017

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Tweeting this so I never have to look for it again pic.twitter.com/I8bk2EKHMM

‘ soulja jae (@Juhhriz) October 21, 2017

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spent so much time chasing others in their dreams I forgot to chase my own pic.twitter.com/R19gNkwU9j

‘ (@lordflaconegro) October 21, 2017

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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

‘ spaceghoul incognito (@iamspacegirl) October 19, 2017

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The balls on this guy. pic.twitter.com/KbuKmrIJWw

‘ Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) October 23, 2017

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my favorite nightly ritual is trying to find any movie under ninety minutes and then giving up to watch four hours of tv instead

‘ pilot! (@pilotbacon) October 24, 2017

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Me not wanting to ruin anyone's night, while having an unshakeable feeling that everything we're filling our time with is pointless pic.twitter.com/OrEOu2eR4f

‘ Daughter John Misty (@MightyMonika) October 23, 2017

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dreams? oh, you mean my sleep gifs?

‘ madds (@whatmaddness) October 20, 2017

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Bruh her shoe in a whole notha city pic.twitter.com/eyjPspyBsE

‘ BLACK GOKU (@BigNeechi) October 21, 2017

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“We didn’t think you’d wanna come”

First of all, you’re right
Second of all, I still want an invite every time

‘ Selena (@ygselena) October 22, 2017

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me forcing myself to get ready and go out after I've flaked all month pic.twitter.com/JdgPG1uGWC

‘ La Bronze James (@jackieaina) October 22, 2017

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‘i see a bear and play dead ‘
[BEAR] omg it happened again this is my curse

‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 12, 2015

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TONIGHT ON CBS! All new episodes of
-Fart Dad
-Sex Nerd
-Cop Family
-and OUR TROOPS

‘ Evil Dead 2 Magary (@drewmagary) October 22, 2017

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Saw some pigeon detectives down at the lake trying to solve a murder. pic.twitter.com/24yAYtVujK

‘ joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) July 4, 2017

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Chick-fil-o Chick-fil-amos
Chick-fil-as Chick-fil- ‘is
Chick-fil-a Chick-fil-an

‘ Kerra (@kerra_henke) October 20, 2017

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pic.twitter.com/EQ6UBlIAps

‘ ash (@spacebunzzz) October 19, 2017

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i just realised that tablecloths are like wigs for tables and it has made me so happy xox

‘ Chris (Simpsons artist) (@getbentsaggy) October 10, 2017

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!!!!!!!!! WHO DID THIS TO MY INNOCENT MOTHER !!!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/zneJIzKu6f

‘ Grace (@graceL721) October 19, 2017

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At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch ‘ into the grave

‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) October 20, 2017

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Must be a real bad week in this town for both of them to be there pic.twitter.com/fTLrreXh0c

‘ Tyler Shields (@tylershields) October 19, 2017

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DAMN RIGHT! THAT ‘S THE GOOD STUFF! HAVE A SPOOKTACULAR HALLOWEEN!