27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #108

jude: for fuck's sake WHAT

‘ Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) November 7, 2017

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Not everybody was Kung Fu fighting. I was getting beaten up.

‘ duumb (@duumb) April 4, 2017

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We would have caught that waterfall too if not for you meddling R&B trios

‘ Bread Savage (@papasuncle) September 18, 2017

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{concert}
lead singer: ok, lemme introduce the band. on drums we have the incredible Tom..
me: (from the back) NICE TO FINALLY MEET U, TOM

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) November 2, 2017

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Me: I make my sims kiss eachother even though they're brother and sister

Waterslide lifeguard: I said you could go down like 5 minutes ago

‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) November 6, 2017

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the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.

‘ mcc (@MattMcC1) March 20, 2017

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Son said he really wants to see “murder on the polar express, ‘ and shit now so do I.

‘ John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) November 6, 2017

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My neighbors who drive a Highlander just bought another Highlander so they're gonna hate my jokes about that within 24 hours.

‘ OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 7, 2017

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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don't have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) October 26, 2017

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On Sundays, tweet random things like “that ‘s not a touchdown ‘ and “ref you suck ‘ to confuse football fans about which game you ‘re watching.

‘ ????????? (@BrownDogBlanket) October 7, 2017

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People call me “dramatic ‘ but I prefer the term “immersive theatre experience. ‘

‘ Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) November 6, 2017

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her: we should break up
me: but you love that I call spaghetti paskettis
her: (tearing up) that ‘s what makes this so difficult

‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) October 30, 2017

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As the demogorgon climbs through the wall, I sit frozen in terror on my couch.

“Are you happy with your cable service provider,” it hisses.

‘ independent H. (@CyborgHanky) October 30, 2017

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something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I would enjoy it if you gave me over two thousand dollars

‘ karate horse (@Karate_Horse) November 6, 2017

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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.

‘ Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 15, 2017

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13: When will I know I'm an adult?

Me: When you have a favorite spatula.

‘ Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 30, 2017

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World's tallest mermaid pic.twitter.com/TxSPq2AqhE

‘ Graceless Hippo (@Jo_Forty) November 6, 2017

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That's great that you do crossfit, I run out of breath singing with the radio

‘ Traci (@debon7) October 26, 2017

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If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke… a stroke of luck that is. It ‘s toast time.

‘ Troutman (@robotrowboat) November 7, 2017

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Every time I look at something it bursts into flames I think I went to the wrong Laser Eye Center

‘ B ‘b J ‘nke (@Bob_Janke) November 6, 2017

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[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) September 17, 2017

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there’s a lot of misconceptions about bisexuals. for instance, ‘bisexual’ can mean having sex twice a week but also every two weeks

‘ merritt k (@merrittk) November 6, 2017

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Bruno Mars is like if Prince was born and raised in a Target.

‘ Janine Brito (@janinebrito) November 7, 2017