By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets take a sad song and make it better.
jude: for fuck's sake WHAT
‘ Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) November 7, 2017
Not everybody was Kung Fu fighting. I was getting beaten up.
‘ duumb (@duumb) April 4, 2017
We would have caught that waterfall too if not for you meddling R&B trios
‘ Bread Savage (@papasuncle) September 18, 2017
lead singer: ok, lemme introduce the band. on drums we have the incredible Tom..
me: (from the back) NICE TO FINALLY MEET U, TOM
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) November 2, 2017
Me: I make my sims kiss eachother even though they're brother and sister
Waterslide lifeguard: I said you could go down like 5 minutes ago
‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) November 6, 2017
the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.
‘ mcc (@MattMcC1) March 20, 2017
Son said he really wants to see “murder on the polar express, ‘ and shit now so do I.
‘ John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) November 6, 2017
My neighbors who drive a Highlander just bought another Highlander so they're gonna hate my jokes about that within 24 hours.
‘ OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 7, 2017
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don't have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) October 26, 2017
On Sundays, tweet random things like “that ‘s not a touchdown ‘ and “ref you suck ‘ to confuse football fans about which game you ‘re watching.
‘ ????????? (@BrownDogBlanket) October 7, 2017
People call me “dramatic ‘ but I prefer the term “immersive theatre experience. ‘
‘ Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) November 6, 2017
her: we should break up
me: but you love that I call spaghetti paskettis
her: (tearing up) that ‘s what makes this so difficult
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) October 30, 2017
As the demogorgon climbs through the wall, I sit frozen in terror on my couch.
“Are you happy with your cable service provider,” it hisses.
‘ independent H. (@CyborgHanky) October 30, 2017
something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I would enjoy it if you gave me over two thousand dollars
‘ karate horse (@Karate_Horse) November 6, 2017
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
‘ Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 15, 2017
13: When will I know I'm an adult?
Me: When you have a favorite spatula.
‘ Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 30, 2017
World's tallest mermaid pic.twitter.com/TxSPq2AqhE
‘ Graceless Hippo (@Jo_Forty) November 6, 2017
That's great that you do crossfit, I run out of breath singing with the radio
‘ Traci (@debon7) October 26, 2017
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke… a stroke of luck that is. It ‘s toast time.
‘ Troutman (@robotrowboat) November 7, 2017
Every time I look at something it bursts into flames I think I went to the wrong Laser Eye Center
‘ B ‘b J ‘nke (@Bob_Janke) November 6, 2017
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) September 17, 2017
there’s a lot of misconceptions about bisexuals. for instance, ‘bisexual’ can mean having sex twice a week but also every two weeks
‘ merritt k (@merrittk) November 6, 2017
Bruno Mars is like if Prince was born and raised in a Target.
‘ Janine Brito (@janinebrito) November 7, 2017
A History Channel-esque mockumentary about the world ‘s greatest meme, its modest creator, and how it changed the nation. #ffrumpie Created by Lucien Flores & Michela M. Smith who are two people that would love to work with Funny or Die Voice Over by Liam McNeill Opening Titles Edited by Kellan Reck http://loosesealproductions.com/ https://www.facebook.com/LooseSealProductions