By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets take a sad song and make it better.
jude: for fuck's sake WHAT
‘ Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) November 7, 2017
Not everybody was Kung Fu fighting. I was getting beaten up.
‘ duumb (@duumb) April 4, 2017
We would have caught that waterfall too if not for you meddling R&B trios
‘ Bread Savage (@papasuncle) September 18, 2017
lead singer: ok, lemme introduce the band. on drums we have the incredible Tom..
me: (from the back) NICE TO FINALLY MEET U, TOM
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) November 2, 2017
Me: I make my sims kiss eachother even though they're brother and sister
Waterslide lifeguard: I said you could go down like 5 minutes ago
‘ brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) November 6, 2017
the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.
‘ mcc (@MattMcC1) March 20, 2017
Son said he really wants to see “murder on the polar express, ‘ and shit now so do I.
‘ John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) November 6, 2017
My neighbors who drive a Highlander just bought another Highlander so they're gonna hate my jokes about that within 24 hours.
‘ OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 7, 2017
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don't have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) October 26, 2017
On Sundays, tweet random things like “that ‘s not a touchdown ‘ and “ref you suck ‘ to confuse football fans about which game you ‘re watching.
‘ ????????? (@BrownDogBlanket) October 7, 2017
People call me “dramatic ‘ but I prefer the term “immersive theatre experience. ‘
‘ Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) November 6, 2017
her: we should break up
me: but you love that I call spaghetti paskettis
her: (tearing up) that ‘s what makes this so difficult
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) October 30, 2017
As the demogorgon climbs through the wall, I sit frozen in terror on my couch.
“Are you happy with your cable service provider,” it hisses.
‘ independent H. (@CyborgHanky) October 30, 2017
something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I would enjoy it if you gave me over two thousand dollars
‘ karate horse (@Karate_Horse) November 6, 2017
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
‘ Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 15, 2017
13: When will I know I'm an adult?
Me: When you have a favorite spatula.
‘ Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 30, 2017
World's tallest mermaid pic.twitter.com/TxSPq2AqhE
‘ Graceless Hippo (@Jo_Forty) November 6, 2017
That's great that you do crossfit, I run out of breath singing with the radio
‘ Traci (@debon7) October 26, 2017
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke… a stroke of luck that is. It ‘s toast time.
‘ Troutman (@robotrowboat) November 7, 2017
Every time I look at something it bursts into flames I think I went to the wrong Laser Eye Center
‘ B ‘b J ‘nke (@Bob_Janke) November 6, 2017
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) September 17, 2017
there’s a lot of misconceptions about bisexuals. for instance, ‘bisexual’ can mean having sex twice a week but also every two weeks
‘ merritt k (@merrittk) November 6, 2017
Bruno Mars is like if Prince was born and raised in a Target.
‘ Janine Brito (@janinebrito) November 7, 2017
I ‘m at the Papa John ‘s. I ‘m at the Nazi rallly. I ‘m at the combination Papa John ‘s Nazi rally.
‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 4, 2017
My version of a trust fall is letting someone else take my photo.
‘ Maritza Lugo (@PolaRoid_Rage) July 8, 2017
Sleep is like rehearsing for death but continually getting the lines wrong.
‘ RM (@dorsalstream) November 6, 2017
dreams? oh, you mean my sleep gifs?
‘ madds (@whatmaddness) October 20, 2017
The cast of HBO’s Silicon Valley had a pretty strong reaction to Apple’s iPhone X launch leading us to wonder if this new phone is really all that.
And guys, let me tell you, it’s insanely sad but also makes you want to buy groceries for your grandpa.
Two become one. — Written, Directed, Edited, & Produced by Daniel Bracey facebook.com/porkchopexpressprod/ twitter.com/danbracey instagram.com/danieljbracey
Cecily Strong and Keegan-Michael Key make appearances at the 2015 White House Correspondents’ Dinner.