By: Jason Flowers
My country ’tis of tweets.
actually, America was the name of the cartographer. the country is America's Monster
‘ Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva Aeva (@ladyaeva) November 16, 2017
ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it ‘s definitely four
‘ Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) November 5, 2017
My 8 year-old asked me if it was possible to get to zero degrees Kelvin and twenty minutes later as I'm describing Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation he said, “Maybe I'm too young for this,” and rolled over and went to sleep.
‘ John Noonien Singh (@johngary) November 14, 2017
I use a wheelchair. When I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I want to say “Curbs.”
‘ Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 13, 2017
It's very hard to be a doctor, mostly because you have to refrain from saying “balls deep in this coma” like, every day
‘ online printer (@hellohappy_time) August 20, 2017
Kids will eat their vegetables if you only feed them every other day. More parenting tips on my blog
‘ Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) November 14, 2017
I bought a pistachio-colored Mitsubishi and I can't open it.
‘ Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) April 22, 2017
gonorrhea would ‘ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
‘ pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) November 13, 2017
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
‘ liv. (@livlivme_do) October 7, 2017
Smokey Bear's greatest strength is probably delegation.
‘ regular person (@Merman_Melville) November 8, 2017
The ability to eloquently eat spaghetti on a date is called Spaghettiquette.
‘ …And Justin For All (@Staggfilms) November 16, 2017
I don’t like to get political on here, but bricks are just domesticated rocks.
‘ thom (@Barknado69) November 13, 2017
I just realized in Top Gun Goose basically dies from flying into a window and nobody even addresses the irony.
‘ MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) November 9, 2017
If you have my phone number it means I trust you enough to let the ringtone sound twice before hitting decline and then texting you.
‘ Big Butt Bermuda Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 14, 2017
I bet when Godzilla came out God said fuck that ‘s a way better name
‘ BTD (@Dbotronix) November 13, 2017
BREAKING: god steps down to address allegations of impregnating a teenage girl
‘ blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) November 12, 2017
Sometimes I worry that I'll never find a movie that has my three favorite things: planes, trains and John Candy's complete lack of any family whatsoever.
‘ Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) November 13, 2017
Alvin “AND ‘ The Chipmunks? Motherfucker, you ‘re a chipmunk too!
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) November 10, 2017
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) August 27, 2017
ME [mentally undressing my date]
DATE [looking at her watch] so you still have OCD?
ME [mentally folding her clothes away & putting them neatly in the wardrobe] give me a minute
‘ Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 9, 2017
Little Ava has a stomach bug, and with Pam out of state for work, I just don't think I'm going to make it to Fight Club tonight 🙁
Have a great evening, fellas! Really beat the fucking shit out of each other.
‘ Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) November 14, 2017
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts. ‘ Luckily, I am not Jim.
‘ The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) November 14, 2017
My biggest writing problem is that every time I think I have a great idea for a story I sit down to write it and realize it's actually the plot of the 2003 classic, Holes
‘ Leone (@only_leone) November 14, 2017
Me: I named you kids after places where I wanted to live
Austin: Thats awesome
Sydney: Way cool
Ninja Turtles Hideout: I have mixed feelings
‘ Abam (@AdamBroud) November 7, 2017
I can never go on Jeopardy bc I ‘d be like “ahh fuck ‘ every time I got something wrong
‘ Amanda Mull (@amandamull) November 14, 2017
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
‘ KELLY JOHNSON (@ohheyohhihello) November 13, 2017