By: Molly Schreiber

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  • New additions to list of tax deductible items include:Ford Mustangs, country club memberships, and Paul Ryan ‘s personal trainer.
  • People who own “Little pretty kittens ‘ are tax exempt. Also known as the “The Tiffany Trump Clause. ‘
  • “Brown people ‘ get taxed at a rate of 67% because “who knows if they ‘re even legal. Oh she ‘s just tan? You sure she ‘s not Mexican? Ok, she gets pass. ‘
  • Diane Feinstein is only allowed to speak on the senate floor for a maximum of 3 minutes per month otherwise she gets a “Hush Up, Diane Tax. ‘
  • The senate recesses starting November 21 to save tax money and returns on January 2 to “a big shindig with a clambake ‘.
  • Women are now Handmaids and therefore don ‘t make money and “Now they don ‘t pay taxes. So see, we did that for you, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, WOMEN?. ‘
  • The American Dollar has been replaced with the “TrumpCoin. ‘
  • President Trump will “pay lots of taxes just like everyone else except he will pay no taxes like always. ‘
  • “Heritage Testing ‘ will be instituted in 2020 as a mandatory part of filing taxes and if you do not pass a minimum of 52% “Pure Blood ‘ you will be deemed “sub-American ‘ and immediately sent to work at Mar-A-Lago.
  • If, under circumstances deemed untenable, owing to the decision of both House and Senate, shall decry that on this day, the day of Our Lord, Congress shall, without further delay, upon determining the gross abuse of power, position, and the English language, shall, finally and totally, oust and deseat the current sitting ruler from his current place of authority because he has, oh we ‘re past 280 characters, great, he ‘s stopped reading, finally, we put this at the end and made it really wordy so he ‘d get bored and start watching Fox & Friends, and anyway, we ‘re staging a coup and we ‘re throwing Trump out of the White House.

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